A List of Other Things you Should Be Talking About Other than Snow

So, EVEN IF we get 475 inches of freaking snow tonight, I don’t want to hear about it anymore because it doesn’t matter if you tell me about it or if the television does because I only have to hear about it ONE TIME to change my schedule from “going into work” to “going into work more slowly.”

SERIOUSLY, I can understand if you live in the freaking boondocks and cannot, absolutely just cannot, get the hell out of your house. Fine, then you make that clear and use a sick day and all is fine with the world.

Do you know how long that takes you? Exactly two minutes from the time you pick up the phone until you put it down. Thus, you do not have to speak about it all freaking day long while at work. We get it, you won’t be coming in tomorrow because the snow is going to be so bad that there is no way you’re driving…

That being said, let’s just not talk about it. Let’s realize that we’re lucky to even see snow. Have you ever seen a person who has never seen snow before finally see snow? It’s like they are hypnotized by god for awhile and are in awe of the true beauty of what nature can really.. but NOoOOOooOO we just have to complain about it…

Below is a list of other things you SHOULD be talking about today besides the freaking weather in no particular order.

1. The Winter Olympics: Because they only come around once every four years and for some reason I’m jonesing to start up a pick up shuffleboard league this summer.
2. Brian Westbrook: If you’re not into sports than skip this one, but his recent release from the Eagles is kinda a big deal, especially since he played his collegiate football at Villanova and is a beloved player. :(
3. American Idol and the Kid from Nazareth: I don’t really watch this show much, but c’mon the kid is from FREAKING Nazareth and he’s in the top whatever. Imagine if this kid wins, everyone is going to be like “I totally made out with him in sixth grade.”
4. Flippingoffanimals.com: Following in the wakes of Look at That Fucking Hipster and People of Wal-Mart Flippingoffanimals.com just makes you feel good for getting back at nature.
5. Lehigh Valley with Love Open Mic: Because it only happens two times a month and rumor is Lady GaGa is going to be there on March 3rd.
6. The Bookstore Speakeasy is now on Twitter.
7. Wegmans is now on Twitter?
8. 46 People died in an Indonesian Mudslide: I bet they don’t have to call in sick tomorrow.
9. It’s less than six months to Musikfest: And there is still time for them to announce a good band.
10. You’re all still alive, relatively healthy, one can presume, have families and aren’t planning on robbing banks today.

So, no more about snow, talk about some of that shit.. thanks….

The HORSE Started the Fight, Judge.

Wow, so after talking with Owasso, Oklahoma city council members for the last freaking two hours via e-mail regarding their upcoming litigation against the city of Allentown I was FINALLY able to get to this post. Thank god.

So, I had this girlfriend in high school who rode horses all the time and I was like “Gay, a horse is just a unicorn without a horn…” Anyway, I always wondered why she was so fucking into riding her horse all the damn time and would go to the stupid smelly stable all the damn time when I wanted to hang out and watch movies with Jennifer Lopez in them and whatever.

Then one day I was watching her ride the horse around in some indoor horse arena or whatever you call it and I figured it out.

And I was like, “WHAT. THE. FUCK?”

Anyway…

Remember the guys who fought a horse at Musikfest? Well, they are saying the horse started it first.

A Bethlehem Township man whose push of a police horse at Musikfesttouched off a melee that ended with police hitting his brother with a stun gun, said he’s got an explanation.

He says the horse started it.

Attorneys for Andrew Mutchler, 22, of Hecktown Road, said Mutchler meant no harm to the police horse named “Flash” while Bethlehem police tried to clear Musikfest Aug. 1, but the massive animal stepped on his foot, so he had to push him.

Mutchler’s push of the horse, as police cleared Main Street, touched off a melee in which his brother, Matthew, jumped into the fracas and got hit with the stun gun when he resisted arrest.

Andrew Mutchler’s attorney, Matthew Trapani, filed a motion today asking Northampton County Judge Edward Smith to dismiss charges of taunting a police animal.

“The horse started the whole thing,” Trapani said outside Smith’s courtroom. “When a 1,500-pound animal steps on your foot, you have no choice but to push him. He meant no harm.”

Trapani said he has medical records of Mutchler’s injured foot, but assistant district attorney Patricia Mulqueen isn’t buying it.

“There was no evidence at the preliminary hearing that the horse stepped on his foot and no witnesses to that,” Mulqueen said, noting that this is the first she’s heard this defense. Source

So Judge Mulqueen has heard the “The horse started it” defense before? Is this some sort of defense that you are taught before you pass the Bar? How many times could she have POSSIBLY heard from a defendant that the-horse-started-the-fist-fight-at-a-music-festival-that-resulted-in-my-being-tased defense???? Seriously?

In other news, if I was stepped on by a horse, I think my first reaction would not be to punch it, but rather run the hell away from it. And, if that wasn’t the case, I think I’d tell the officer, kindly, that his fucking horse stepped on me and then I’d curl up in a ball in pain.

It was because she was getting off on the saddle ok? JESUS.

FREEE BIRRRRD! Lynyrd Skynyrd is Playing Musikfest (Commence Red Neck Jokes)

This is sure to get SOME people fired up, especially that asshole who goes to any acoustic show and yells “FREEEE BIRRRRD” whenever there is a moment of silence. Shit, this even happens at karaoke… weird.

Anyway, I guess this band is pretty good. I wasn’t ever INTO them as much as I knew a lot of their songs and knew that they didn’t like Neil Young. Now, I like Neil Young, so I decided that I wouldn’t like Lynyrd Skynyrd that much because they were red neck people who didn’t like Neil Young.

Also, some of them died in a plane crash.

The veteran rock band, known for such hits as “Sweet Home Alabama,”“Free Bird” and “Simple Man,” will perform Aug. 9 at Musikfest, according to a listing on the concert Web site pollstar.com.

A spokesperson for ArtsQuest would not confirm the listing. An official announcement is expected to be made Friday.

Lynyrd Skynyrd is touring behind their 2009 studio album, “Gods and Guns.” Source

Hey, Musikfest gets good acts in. It just sucks that they were GREAT acts like 20 years ago. I saw Yes this past summer at Musikfest and they surely did rock the house, especially from the front row, however, I don’t understand why they can’t get like one HUGE band, just one, even if it’s something mainstream.

However, if Nickleback ever plays Musikfest I will punch a horse cop in the face.

Bethlehem Police Need a MUCH Better Police Sketch Artist

I love Law & Order. I love it to the point that I think that if it had it’s own channel, it would be the best channel on television besides when Teen Nick has marathons of Degrassi: The Next Generation.

And one thing I learned from Law & Order is that when you the police sketch artist comes in and draws a sketch of a suspect from a witness’ memory, it should be fucking pretty good. Why? BECAUSE that is their JOB (or at least part time job.)

Is Bethlehem getting their police sketch artist from the caricature stands at Musikfest? WTF?

Bethlehem police are hoping to identify a man they said broke into a home Thursday afternoon.

The man was knocking on doors of homes on Laurel Street, asking if residents needed yard work done, police said.

If someone is asking about yard work when there’s snow on the ground, that suspicious behavior should be reported to police, said police Lt. Mark DiLuzio.

He said just before 2 p.m., the man forced his way through a bathroom window of a home at 38 W. Laurel St. It’s unknown at this point what the man stole, police said.

The suspect is white, in his early 40s, about 5 feet 10 inches tall and and has brown hair with blond streaks. He wore a puffy blue coat, a cap and white sneakers. Source

WTF?

WHAT THE FUCK?

I’ll say it again. WHAT THE FUCK? First of all, do they NEED to use charcoal? Can’t they actually maybe color the blond streaks in there?

Did they do this in MS Paint?

Why not just throw a baseball cap on the dude too? Fucking Mister Potato Head. Whatever… I have no idea why this pisses me off so much, but it does.

Happy New Year! (Butts?)

Thanks to everyone who pops in here and reads a little bit each week about the true people of the Lehigh Valley and what crazy shit they do every day. Honestly, this writing this stuff couldn’t be easier. In fact, I can do this while drunk. I do this while I’m playing Chess. Seriously, it takes no talent.

That being said. I’m looking forward to three things in 2010.

1. Charlie Dent and John Callahan killing each other over a congressional seat.
2. Musikfest imploding on its own weight.
3. Me retiring and living the good life.

Until then, check out the picture I WANTED to use (Maybe NSFW, but no nipples or anything like that) to celebrate New Year’s, but then decided that I want to end the year with a post that Grandmas can read. I will get back to the boobies on Monday!

Be safe. Drive safe. Sex Safe.

Best and Worst Bethlehem Bars of 2009 (LVwithLOVE Awards!)

Contrary to popular belief, I have not been to every bar in Bethlehem, Pa so far this year, so, I asked around to some people who are better alcoholics than I and have come up with a pretty decent list of the best alcohol selling establishments of 2009.

I figured it was only fair to group them based on what they actually were. See, you can’t really compare a place like The Firehouse with Loopers…. you know what I’m sayinnnn?

So, feel free to fight me or try and sue me, but i’m ready to begin…

Best Dive Bar in the Bethlehem 2009:

Joe’s Tavern: Fight me on this one all you want kids, but Joe’s Tavern just really has it all by not changing at all. They have cheap drinks (most draft beers are $2) and decent food.

Highlights: Again, cheap food. No one really fucks around with each other. Girls are usually really hammered if they are hanging out here, which makes taking them home a bit easier.

Lowlights: If you go here, you end up smelling like absolute shit (smoke/smoke and cigar smoke.) Most of the regulars are pretty hardcore in their drinking.

Best times to go: Weekends, probably Friday and Saturday nights either before you’re hitting up another bar or after you’ve had dinner. Cause you’re getting drunk when you come in here.

Honorable Mention: Old Brewery Tavern: Losing a lot of revenue to Roosevelt’s 21st, but still a college favorite.

Worst Dive Bar in the Bethlehem  2009

Lehigh Pub: As we profiled this year, any bar that is going to send you to fucking jail for not paying a mandated gratuity when the waitress is too busy outside smoking is going to not make many friends. In fact, I’m surprised the place is even still pulling in business. If not for the McGrady and Tally Ho run off on Bethlehem’s Fourth Street, I don’t see this place selling more than two beers a night.

Honorable Mention: The Funhouse. Who the fuck even GOES there anymore?

Best New Bar in the Bethlehem  2009

The Bookstore: The Bookstore is by FAR the best new bar (if not the best bar) in the Lehigh Valley for 2009. From the awesome entrance, where you think you’ve just walked into a middle school library only to find that the velvet curtains in the back lead to a 1920s like speakeasy, to the menus that are in old books, the Bookstore has a tangible quality that is lost in so many slick and old hat bars.

The Bookstore makes you FEEL cool. That’s saying something. Visit its site here and check out the coolness.

Honorable Mention: Any of the casino bars. Yes, they are super expensive, but still, they have something completely alien, upscale and new about them.

Worst New Bar in the Bethlehem  2009

The Firehouse: From top to bottom the Firehouse is just getting all the bad vibes that a place can get: Fights break out. The ceiling leaks. It’s a meat market. It’s full of assholes. The doormen are assholes. It’s just bullshit.

What pains me about this place is that the property itself is fucking spectacular. It’s a freaking firehouse. However, the ownership chose to go the route that financially made the most sense: cater to college kids who are going to just keep on coming back to every block rocking beat you have going on Saturday nights.

So, I think the place is going to stay open and the kids who just turn 21 each year are going to keep it in business. It just sucks that it won’t ever be what it could have been: a nice hip bar that had its share of entertainment, but also didn’t run down the fire pole of douchebaggery in order to get a buck and a few cheap peeks at some 23 year old tits.

Honorable Mention: Roosevelt’s 21: The Firehouse with class… not saying too much.

Best Old Standard Bethlehem Bar 2009

Machs Gute: Ever since Machs Gute went under renovation a few years ago and reopened with a vengeance, it split its identity between regulars who came for dinner and college kids who came to get drunk.

Over the course of the last year, with the infusion of trivia and some bands, the Gute has become something of a catch all for people 21-45… You don’t really feel out of place there no matter the night and, well, it’s still pretty cheap.

Honorable Mention: Hmm tough one here… But, we could go with McGrady’s. It’s not what it used to be, but it still packs in some sort of fun.

Worst Old Standard Bethlehem Bar 2009

Ripper’s Pub: Oh, Ripper’s, where did you go wrong? It’s not even that the place where everyone knows your name necessarily really had an off year, it’s just that the place has become so cliquey to some that they are uneasy even going there. You may not need everyone to know your name, but you don’t want them to wonder why you just walked in, either. I mean, read some of the reviews by clicking that link up there.

It’s still a good bar, but it suffers from getting all of its money during the Musikfest rush only to really  not give a fuck for the rest of the year. Beer prices there have gone up over the course of the last year and not really anything else has changed.

Honorable Mention: The Funhouse. Who the fuck even GOES there anymore?

Best Bethlehem Bar 2009

Bethlehem Brew Works: Surprised? You shouldn’t be. The thing about the Brew Works that makes it great is the variety. Over the course of the year this place, (which really isn’t THAT big when you think about it) has hosted bands, comedy shows, trivia, karaoke, pool, tweet up events, etc. It also has a standard bar upstairs and a lounge downstairs that keeps getting cooler.

There isn’t much more to say other than the fact that in order to knock off a bar like The Brew Works, you’re just going to have to offer a place where everyone can have a good time on a given day no matter their preference.

Honorable Mention: The Bookstore.

Worst Bethlehem Bar 2009

40 Below: Do you like your weekends with a side of metal detector and a helping of stabbings? Then go to this shit show. I don’t even comprehend what the fuck keeps this place in business other than the fact that there seem to be a healthy and heavy amount of assholes who travel into the “historic” city of Bethlehem to basically piss all over its face by dressing as absolute gutter trash and pretending to be in a New York City club that is nothing more than a basement beneath a former Magic shop.

Fuck yourself 40 Below.

Honorable Mention: Lehigh Pub

Bethlehem Starts Spending Dirty Casino Money! YEAH!

We all knew that the Casino would bring in some money for Bethlehem, that was the whole idea. The idea was that they would give Bethlehem money and the city could spend it on all sorts of stuff, like more Fests and police patrols and cats that glow in the dark and Lisa Boscola’s bar tab.

So, depending on your stance, the fact that the Bethlehem budget increased by a few million dollars, but there will be no tax increase is 1. a good thing or 2. direct evidence that the city is now controlled by the seedy underworld.

Express-Times File PhotoJohn Callahan speaks in May 2008. Bethlehem won’t raise taxes next year despite increasing the budget by more than $6 million, Mayor John Callahan said this morning.

The city is expecting an almost $5.8 million increase in casino host fees and also is expecting its real estate assessments, earned income taxes and business privilege taxes to increase modestly, Callahan said at the Greater Lehigh Valley Chamber of Commerce’s annual business breakfast.

Callahan proposed keeping the city’s tax rate at 14.1 mills, with a possible decrease in 2012.

“We will work very hard to deliver a no-tax increase budget,” he said.

His overall proposed 2010 budget is $71.6 million compared to this year’s $65.5 million budget. The city’s two greatest expenditure increases next year will be salaries ($1.9 million) and health benefits ($1.6 million), Callahan said. Source

They better put some of this money toward a monorail, because, once a city has a monorail, it officially has “made it.”

Also, they should look into possibly bringing in more bars and tattoo shops, and if they could swing in some more hookah bars, that would be great.

Hey, maybe they could also bring in Musikfest Part II, set exactly at the halfway point between when Musikfest ends and begins. It’ll be cold, but, fuck, let’s theme it that way, only bring in bands that play in Canada and Iceland. I can see it now.

10 Reasons Why Celtic Fest is Better than Musikfest

Celtic Fest takes the proverbial “Fest Championship” amongs all the others that pop up around the Lehigh Valley each year.

WHY? Thanks for asking.

1. There are less people, which means there are less crowds for food, drink, porta potties, etc.

2. High school kids tend to stay away and don’t congregate on street corners as they do during Musikfest. Teenagers also have high shrill voices that scare people. And, they are always so freaking excited to see each other, it’s like, DUDE you were just in my homeroom like 7 hours ago.

3. The true purpose of Celtic Fest is to drink and eat. While many people do that at Musikfest, it’s not the main reason to go. Celtic Fest, on the other hand, makes you feel as though you are missing out if you’re not drinking out of a yardglass or slugging some warm whiskey or eating Haggis. MMMMM Haggis.

4. Girls dressed up in period costumes. Not THAT kind of period, like renessaince style clothing you sick person you.

5. Haggis eating contest. Haggis has sheep’s pluck in it, which is heart, liver and lungs. They add some minced onions, oatmeal, suet, spices and salt (this is all from wikipedia) then you boil it in the animal’s stomach for three hours. Instant YUMMY!

6. It’s only three days long. Which is better for those who work during the week (since they can actually park somewhere) and it’s better because you know you want to see everything when you go there rather than saying, “Eh, I’ll see it on Wednesday when there’s less people.”

7. They have dudes throwing telephone poles and dogs herding sheep.

8. They music is great. Sure, Musikfest easily beats Celtic in this area, but some of the Celtic Fest music is stuff you really don’t get to hear all the time. Definitely worth the effort to get there and check it out.

9. They have YARD glasses that you fill with beer and HANG AROUND YOUR NECK.

10. It’s not as hot. (What you thought I’d have some big finish?) It’s just better weather for being outside for an extended period of time. Sure, it’s rained a few years, but, fuck it, you’re supposed to be a Celtic and shit, so tough it up.

Your Entertainment Guide to The "Meh" Allentown Fair

Forgive me for not being overly excited about The “Great” Allentown Fair. Believe it or not, I have gone to the fair the past two years. I think one time because I had to for work and the other time because there was nothing to do and I heard they sold pig ears.

All in all, it’s not AWFUL, but it’s certainly not fucking “Great.” Maybe, “Acceptable.” Possibly, “Mundane.” Most Likely, “Meh.”

It is what it is, at least they aren’t trying to blow smoke up your ass. Some pigs. Check. Some carny games. Check. Some stupid promotional trucks that make you walk through a bunch of shit then sign up for a free camcorder. Check. Funnel Cake. Check. Deplorable rides. Check. The slight smell of garbage wafting through the indoor food market. Fuck yeah.

What’s good about the Allentown Fair is that you can officially tell summer it’s over and start getting ready for Celtic Fest and Halloween, the next two occassions that you are allowed to drink more than you should and dress like a Leprachaun Riding a Unicorn.

Honestly, the food is OK, considering many of the same vendors that make the festival rounds wind up on the midway, getting rid of whatever you didn’t eat during Musikfest. (I see you Aw Shucks.) SO, the ONLY thing that could possibly save the Allentown Fair is its entertainment.

Let’s take a look at this year’s star studded line-up:

Jeff Dunham: Tuesday, September 1
$49.00; $39.00

Who the heck is this? $49??? No THANK you, good sir. (Update: I found out who he was.)

Earth, Wind & Fire and Chicago: Wednesday, September 2 $55.00; $49.00

When the fuck did Chicago join this bucket of regurgitated crap? Again, $55??????? Who the HELL do you think you are? I could buy a box set of show tunes for that much money.

Kelly Clarkson with special guest Eric Hutchinson and Krista: Thursday, September 3 $49.00; $39.00

Ah. HERE we go! I can stand Kelly Clarkson because at least she enjoys being a bit tubby, which is also known as FUCKING NORMAL and not injected or pureed in some way. HOW ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH is it less to see her than Earth, Wind, Fire and Seattle? I don’t get it.

 Tim MCGraw with special guest Chris Young: Friday, September 4 
$69.00; $55.00

Wait a minute. Is this The Great Palmerton Fair? This is takes place in Allentown, correct? Yes? Ok. Just Checking.

Brad Paisley with special guests Dierks Bentley and Jimmy Wayne
Saturday, September 5 $55.00; $49.00

Um. I seem to be missing something. Do they not let 80 % of Allentown into this thing? Do minorities not get some sort of vote on who they bring into this fair?

Jeff Dunham Sunday, September 6

Again, who the fuck is this guy, and why is he sticking around Allentown for a fucking week to perform twice? Yeah, so he’s some popular comic. I get it. I get it. Does he do redneck jokes? Is that the type of stuff I’m in for with him? I’m so youtubing him later.

J & J Demolition Derby - featuring the Pick-Up Derby Heat Monday, September 7 $15.00; Children under 12 $10.00 Source

Ok. I give up.

Bethlehem to Get More Parking Spots for Tourists. Not You. You Suck.

You have to admit that searching for a parking spot when you’re headed to Musikfest is enough to make you just not want to fucking go.

And then, all the neighbors, like some form of legalized mafia, start charging you to pay in parking lots that are never used throughout the year, or are normall free and now are getting pimped out.

OH, and the Bethlehem Parking Authority will make sure you’re FUCKED for coming to their nice festival if you happen to park for two hours and fifteen minutes in a 2 hour zone.

“Thanks for coming to Musikfest and getting raped by beer prices, here’s your ticket, fuck off and come again!”

Well, it looks like there are going to be more spots soon, well not soon soon, but soon.

The Bethlehem Parking Authority has made a $1.6 million deal to buy the Main Street Commons parking deck, behind the former Orr’s building, to develop more parking near the historic downtown, a city official told City Council on Tuesday.

The agreement with the Main Street Commons owners would allow the authority to move ahead with providing more parking as laid out in a study last year, said Tony Hanna, city director of community and economic development.

In response to questions from council, Hanna said the authority is expecting to borrow money to undertake improvements of the first phase of the project. The state has already committed $3 million toward the project, he said.

The authority on Aug. 12 authorized its director, Hector Nemes, to sign an agreement of sale, according to the authority’s resolution.

Councilwoman Jean Belinski, liaison to the parking authority, said she hopes the deal goes through. ”Downtown Bethlehem lacks parking and the [parking deck] is sorely needed,” Belinski said.

A $50,000 study funded by several entities including the city and parking authority, found that locating parking spots downtown is challenging in part because of what entices visitors to Bethlehem.

Restored historic structures, some dating to the city’s 18th century founding by the Moravians, dot the streets, and quaint shops are housed in Victorian buildings that emerged around the Moravian settlement, making few spots available for a parking garage.

Mayor John Callahan last year unveiled two options that came out of the study.

One option would reconfigure the Main Street Commons deck and extend it to the Hotel Bethlehem deck. That would add 168 spots for a total of 283 and cost $6.5 million.

The other solution would cost $12.7 million and require demolition of the Main Street Commons deck. A new five-story structure would be built and would hook into the hotel deck, which would add 291 spots for a total of 406.

Other parts of the plan include angled parking along Main Street and some parking space across the Broad Street bridge, Hanna said. Source

They are going to have to cut down some trees if they plan to extend the deck from the back of Brew Works to the Hotel Bethlehem deck. And, I’m sure, they will be metered spots.

My question is, thorughout most of the year there are no problems parking. It’s a rare time that you head to Brew Works and there isn’t ONE spot. And, worst case, you just park a block away and walk your fat/slutty/lazy ass down to the club.

So, this is basically to make sure there are more spots for Musikfest and, somewhat, for Celtic Fest.

Interesting. It’s a bit too early in the a.m. to expound more on this, so you can do that in comments section. I haven’t even had coffee yet.

Musikfest Arrest Numbers are In. (And High)

This will surprise absolutely no one. Musikfest arrest rates were up 20 percent this year! Well, that’s what happens when a casino is nestled on the south side of your pretty city and you have the largest Saturday attendence in Fest History.

But, we did have people getting punched in the face, some people getting robbed by a gang of hoodlums. Yeah, catch up on that stuff here.

Hopefully this isn’t a sign of things to come because god damnit, I don’t mind the drunk people being drunk, but I do fucking mind having to worry about getting mugged in downtown Bethlehem by the Jets from West Side Story when I’m just trying to go home and drink more.

That pisses me off.

Arrests at Musikfest increased more than 20 percent this year, according to police officials, and most of the people charged with offenses ranging from public drunkenness to fighting are from the Lehigh Valley.

Bethlehem police Commissioner Randy Miller this morning released arrest totals from the 10-day festival that ended Sunday.

There were 64 arrests — 25 disorderly conduct, 15 public drunkenness, 13 underage drinking and 11 other arrests, which include assaults, driving under the influence and illegal drugs.

Nineteen juveniles were arrested this year, two more than last year.

Miller said most of the arrests happened in the Main Street area where young people typically gather.

After the first night of the festival, Miller said the department realized Main Street was especially busy this year and decided to deploy two extra officers and a mobile camera to monitor the crowds there.

Source

“Where young people generally gather.” Meaning what? Young people are the scurge of society? Young people commit more drunken… OK, you’re right, I guess that was appropriate.

Um, I didn’t see a fucking mobile camera? WTF? Did anyone see a mobile police camera? Was it strapped to some dude’s back like a google maps camera?

I think I’m almost upset about this. I was doing arrestable things down there when I didn’t see cops.

Oh, and on a side note. Does anyone know what the horse cops do in the offseason? I’m too lazy to look it up and I kinda don’t want to know because I like to envision them training like ninjas, preparing for next year and getting equipped with lazer faces and learning how to jump rope.

And hula hoop, of course.

There Was a Fight at Tally Ho? Say it Ain't So

As I stated previously today, there was no way I could even function yesterday, there were, however, tons of people out and about for the end of Musikfest, which culminated in some fireworks.

I have to say that watching the fireworks as they pop over top of some of the beautiful downtown Bethlehem buildings has got to be one of the cooler sights in the area each year (well twice counting July 4.)

The party didn’t end for some, including those at the Tally Ho on Bethlehem’s South Side, who apparently like to fight and stuff.

A bouncer and patron at a Bethlehem bar both face charges after a dispute early Monday during which the patron was punched in the mouth and lost two teeth, police said.

Police said the assault happened around 12:30 a.m. at Tally Ho Tavern, 205 W. Fourth St. According to police:

Christopher Stauffer, 30, of Bethlehem, was told to leave the bar, but refused.

A bouncer, William Sears, 23, of Fountain Hill, fought with Stauffer and punched him in the face. Stauffer had a cut lip and two of his teeth were knocked out.

Sears is charged with simple assault and Stauffer was charged with defiant trespass. Source

Hmm. They are both cited so they are both at fault. Guess this is one of those “call em as you seem cases.” I wouldn’t be surprised if Stauffer was totally in the wrong here and Sears is just shit balled because he was doing his job and got a bit out of hand.

HOWEVER, you can’t punch people in the face and knock out their teeth unless they are threatening your life, right?

Gotta love the defiant trespass law too. Because, at some point Stauffer was drinking there and wasn’t trespassing, but then when he becomes a dick he then is trespassing.

Man, it’s hot out.

OH, I also heard that the safe at Tally Ho was stolen on Friday night. Like, the whole fucking safe. I have some inside sources. When I get more information, I’ll let you know.

The Lehigh Valley is Really Hot Today. Don't Do Anything Outside.

So, with Musikfest (Read All Musikfest articles here) over, I have to admit I’m shot. Like, shot in the way you’re shot when you get hit by a truck and go drinking with Mayor John Callahan for a night and then wake up at Lisa Boscola’s house for Kegs and Eggs kinda shot.

I feel awful.

So, thankfully today’s weather has decided to resemble Mumbai on a bad pollution day and effectively make everyone lose 10 lbs of water weight just by being in existence.

HOWEVER, these are days when you’re supposed to do NOTHING because the surgeon general said so!

Thank god for central air.

With heat indexes expected to reach close to 100 degrees, it could turn out to be the hottest day of the summer.

The National Weather Service issued an excessive heat advisory from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. for Berks, Lehigh and Northampton counties, which also are under air quality alerts issued by the state Department of Environmental Protection.

The DEP says air quality within the region may approach or exceed unhealthy standards because of excess ground-level ozone. The air quality alert is effective 9 a.m. to 10 p.m.

According to the National Weather Service, hot, humid air will build up today from the southwest, pushing temperatures into the lower 90s and heat indexes close to 100 degrees. Some relief may come with scattered showers and thunderstorms this afternoon into tonight, and tomorrow is not expected to be as hot with temperatures in the mid-80s expected. Source

Basically, if you have any senior citizens you know of, could be a good day to check on them after work considering they die all the time in heat like this. Well, them and small dogs, right?

Fuck, I am not looking forward to that point in my life where there are days I’m statistically more apt to DIE.

Rita’s Water Ice should have senior citizen discounts on a day like this.

Side note: When I got my first apartment out of college, we had a few fans, definitely didn’t have the money to even get an air conditioner at that point. So, we used to take really big buckets and fill them with ice water. Sounds a bit stupid? WORKS like a charm. One of the most refreshing things I’ve ever done.

Top Ten Things to Do During Musikfest's Final Weekend

Sadly, Musikfest will be drawing to a close on Sunday and I’m going to cry. I hope that those who found this site during the Musikfest season will continue to come back once it’s over for all the good stuff that continues to go on in the Valley even when Musikfest is not going on. (Um, like Celtic Fest in September and people who beat their wives?)

So, what do you do during the last weekend of Musikfest? Here’s your list of 10 things that must be seen/done if you haven’t already.

1. See At Least ONE Of These Free Shows: The Red Elvises, Friday, 9-11 at Volksplatz. If you haven’t seen these guys, um, it’s surf rock with guys from Eastern Europe as Elvises (Elvi?) Seriously. Go. Witches in Bikinis, Saturday, 7-8:30 at Volksplatz. LITERALLY Witches in Fucking Bikinis.

 2. Eat from Take a Taco, get Scrapple on a Stick or Get a Pickle on a Stick: No. Seriously. I was WRONG in my previous post saying that a Pickle on a Stick from the Pickle’s Restaurant Tent (by Aw Shucks) was three tickets. It’s actually fucking TWO TICKETS.

 3. Ride the Go Karts on Banana Island: They won’t tell you this, but if you’re not fucking huge you can ride those go karts on Banana Island for 12 tickets. It’s fun and last year some kid cut me off when I was winning and ran me into the fucking fence. Asshole kid.

 4. Get Your Caricature Done: I know, I know, you can do this wherever and don’t need Musikfest for it, however, the ones at Musikfest say fucking “Musikfest” on them. If they said “Fucking Musikfest,” however, I would already have one.

5. Smuggle in Some Alcohol: OH I KNOW you’re aren’t supposed to do it and you can’t blame me if you get caught since you’re an adult and should have better judgement, but there is something so satisfying about buying a cheap six pack and filling it in the porta potty. Gross, yes. Ladies, go here for the “Wine Rack” you can hide beer on your boobies!

 6. Watch the Fireworks: Again, this is an easy one, HOWEVER, if you go to the top of the parking garage that is by the Sun Inn Courtyard, you can get a great view. There are usually tons of people up there, too.

 7. Be Nice To a Horse Cop: They have been fucked with all week and are probably pretty sad and tired by the end of Musikfest, so go up to one and tell them how thankful you are for them being there ready to squash some teenagers if needed.

 8. Get Your Mug Filled at Rosanna’s: It’s only like $2.50 (could be $2.75) to get your mug filled at this Italian Restaurant at the corner of Broad and New streets.

 9. Take a Break: I know it sounds stupid, but if you head down to the Platz that is located toward the back of Musikfest (the one closest to Union Blvd.) There are big patches of grass to just chill out on, soak in some sun, and listen to music.

 10. Lehigh Valley with Love Stickers: We will be at the Big Ice Cream Cone by Aw Shucks from 8:30 to 8:45 p.m. Friday, Aug. 7. GET TWO STICKERS, then take an awesome photo of them stuck on something or someone and post the photos to the Lehigh Valley with Love Facebook Fan Page Fan Photos Section and the best photo of the night gets a free Tshirt mailed to them in an ACTUAL FUCKING ENVELOPE! Seriously… get on this shit.

Ok, there you have it. This is probably my last Musikfest post since I won’t be able to type straight for a good 48 hours. So Enjoy yourself, I will not bail you out of jail, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Be there for stickers!

Have a blast.

Dear Easton, Where Have You Been? Dear LVwithLOVE, Doing Crack. Oh, Ok.

So, I’ve forgotten all about Easton, AKA “Little Newark,” with all this Musikfest Hooplah going on. However, it never disappoints me. I’m glad that they are at least consistent in continuing to make Pennsylvania consider just giving the city to New Jersey, a state that doesn’t care about things like drugs, prostitution and smelling bad.

An investigation of a noise disturbance early this morning led to drug and alcohol charges against an Easton man.

Bruce Wright Jr., 19, of the 900 block of Ferry Street, was holding an open can of beer when police responded to the first block of South Locust Street shortly after midnight for a noise complaint.

Police attempted to detain Wright, but he ran. He was nabbed at Locust and Pine streets and found to have nine rocks of crack, according to a police news release.

Wright was arraigned before District Judge Gay Elwell on charges of possession and possession with intent to deliver cocaine, escape, resisting arrest, possession of drug paraphernalia, underage drinking and drinking in public places. He was committed to Northampton County Prison in lieu of $100,000 bail. Source

I wonder what Bill Wright Sr. think about all of this.

You know, in this guy’s defense, I would have ran too if I had NINE ROCKS OF CRACK IN MY FUCKING POCKET.

Now, explain something to me quickly. If you’re walking around with an OPEN CAN OF BEER in downtown Easton what are some things that you should not ALSO do?

1. Be Really loud and attract attention to yourself.
2. Try to solicite a hooker.
3. Go to WaWa
4. HAVE NINE ROCKS OF CRACK IN YOUR FUCKING POCKET.

Did he think the Musikfest rules stretched to his fair city of Shitston?

Good god. However, if Easton didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be able to wake up every day and go, “Well, it could definitely fucking be worse.”