Easton Grandma Beats Kids!!!

My grandma never beat me up. In fact, I don’t think she ever hit me. I think my punishment was more or less her making fun of me, which, in hindsight, worked pretty well. Like, if i was crying or something, she’d be like “You look like a fool and your face is going to stick like that and it is going to be hilarious.” Or if I was bored she’d be like “Only stupid people get bored.”

Awesome. She was the best.

I mean, grandmas are SUPPOSED to be nice. They are who you go to when your parents won’t tell you yes. They aren’t supposed to beat you!!! WTF?

An Easton woman admitted today to assaulting four of her grandchildren.

Charmaine Renee Mount, 60, of the 600 block of Northampton Street, pleaded guilty to one count each of simple assault and recklessly endangering another person.

Northampton County Judge Edward G. Smith sentenced Mount to three years of probation.

Mount also must attend anger management and parenting classes, comply with the recommendations of her psychological evaluation and have limited contact with the children, Smith ordered.

Wilson Borough police said Mount beat the children July 4 in the 2000 block of Washington Street. The children, all younger than 12, fled and contacted their parents, who contacted police. Source

Figures she lives in Easton. Stupid Easton grandmothers beating the crap out of everyone.

Haha, her last name is Mount. I love it.

SOME GUY FROM EASTON WON AN OSCAR!? (lies)

I promise you I’m not a day late on this I just really had problems writing about it since it is such a load of shit.

Besides that, I was really excited to get home last night because Double Jeopardy with Ashely Judd was going to be on TV and if ever where was a film that DESERVED an Oscar and did not receive one, then Double Jeopardy was that film, followed closely by Kiss The Girls….

Anyyyyway, a man, named Roger Ross Willilams, won an Oscar for his documentary film entitled Music by Prudence, which is apparently about a girl in a wheelchair from some other country who makes music with her mind and eyeballs.

For more about the movie, go here. Then he was interrupted by some gutter bitch middle aged woman with a head full of copper penny colored hair. To read more about her, go here.

UGH, anyway it was a big deal because she was a bitch BUT ALSO BECAUSE WILLIAMS (Facebook Profile Here) APPARENTLY GRADUATED FROM EASTON HIGH SCHOOL LIKE A YEAR AGO!!.

Oh, 1981…

Now, does this take anything away from  his great film? No. Is it still news that he was interrupted? Yes. Are local Easton based newspaper basically saying “SEE WE KNEW HE WAS FROM EASTON so now we can kinda almost report about the Oscars!!!” Yes. Yes they are.

Easton native Roger Ross Williams, who won an Academy Award for the best short documentary Sunday night for his film “Music by Prudence,”was finally able to give his acceptance speech uninterrupted Monday on “Larry King Live”.

The 1981 Easton Area High Schoolgraduate had started to give his Oscar thanks during the awards ceremony Sunday and honor the film’s subject, Prudence Mabhena, when producer Elinor Burkett stole his thunder while proclaiming “Isn’t it always the way that the man doesn’t let the woman talk?”

Williams was as seemingly unfazed the next day as he explained the bizarre circumstances that surrounded his whirlwind night.

“Who knew that would be the biggest story of the Oscars?”Williams said. “I could have won an Oscar for short documentary and everyone would have forgotten about it the next day. But now, this is even better for the film and even more people will see it.”

The freelance director hopes his 15 minutes of fame continue as he plans a biopic of Rwandan President Paul Kagame and perhaps, eventually, the opportunity to work on feature-length films. Source

My only problem is that I can’t, for the LIFE of me, find a story that was written PRIOR to him winning the Oscar. I mean, if everyone knew he was so fucking great, why wasn’t there a huge article in the paper before the Oscars? Why? Because fuck them that’s why….I get it though, makes sense, papers need to be sold and this is the best way to do it.

What I am MORE upset about, however, is that if this guy is so great, why has no one put him on the list of famous people from Easton’s Wiki page yet?

Freaking Mulgrew Miller - jazz pianist, is on there!!!!

Seriously, if you’re going to talk about how he was on Larry King Live and he’s going to sell your papers or get people to come to your website, then at least have a reporter jump in there and write a sentence about him…

Anyway, congratulations to you, Roger Ross Williams, no matter where you went to high school.

Chucky Cullen Serial Killer’s Ugly Mug Brought Back Up.

So, you’re familiar with Charles Cullen, AKA The Angel of Death? Probably the only other serial killer who operated in this area besides Harvey Robinson.

Ok, so Cullen killed tons of people (nearly 30 or so) by injecting them with shit when he worked as a nurse. For more reading on Cullen, hit up here.

I don’t know why I’ve always been fascinated with serial killers. I mean, I don’t think it makes me a weird dude, I just find the whole … business of being a serial killer totally just… alien and weird. I mean, these people are living normal lives, getting up, going to work, killing some people, heading home and cooking dinner and going to bed.

There are some people who may have witnessed someone get hit by a car when they were like 4 and they still can’t sleep at night due to bad dreams by the time they reach adulthood, and there are those who can dismember people and go to work the next day as if nothing happened.

Just truly amazing in my book…

Anyway, even though Cullen is serving life in New Jersey for his crimes, Allentown is going to try and give him more time. Now, I understand that he should be held responsible and all that, but he’s already in for life, is this just a waste of taxpayer’s money? This is a civil trial, so maybe I don’t understand the law that great… blah blah blah blah blah

The Lehigh County trial of Charles Cullen will start Tuesday morning in Allentown after the jury was selected today.

Six men, six women and two alternates were selected before lunch. Court adjourned for the day and testimony will begin at 9:30 a.m.

Witnesses are expected to include David Fowler, a forensic pathologist and victims’ family members.

Cullen was not in the courtroom, nor is he expected to attend the trial; Judge Edward Reibman said Cullen opted not to participate in the civil trial brought against him by eight families.

Cullen, a former nurse who spent 16 years working at hospitals in the Lehigh Valley and northern New Jersey, confessed to killing 29 patients and trying to kill six more. He is serving life sentences in New Jersey for those crimes.

Cullen gave critically ill hospital patients lethal doses of medicinal cocktails.

Two potential jurors said they had direct connections to Cullen. A man said he worked at St. Luke’s and Easton hospitals and knew Cullen. A woman, a nurse, said she worked at one of the same facilities as Cullen.

The potential jurors were asked if they read or saw media coverage of Cullen’s cases and if they knew people involved in the case.

The group of 48 people was also asked if they agreed with artificial caps on civil case damages. The jury will determine what amount, if any, Cullen owes to the families suing him.

The suits heading to trial were filed by: Robert Bohning, Clarence Fish, Joseph Gostony, Jacqueline Mock, Victor Muschlitz, Steven Shachter, Sharon DeAngelis and Joaquim Vicoso. 

Most of the plaintiffs are family members of patients who died at St. Luke’s Hospital; most also have ties to the Lehigh Valley. Source

I guess you kinda have to put yourself in the shoes of the families, however. I mean, fuck this guy, I’d want his family to have to pay me a ton of money, too. SO fucked up. I tell ya, you can’t trust anyone. One time I had to get a cardiogram at my doctor’s office and the nurse was like “take off your top” and I was like, “you first.”

My Last Post about Snow EVER

Ok, so it’s snowing. It’s going to snow all night. Oh, and if you want a really good local guy’s take on the weather, and one that’s more accurate than most of the weathermen in the area, then hit up my buddy Josh’s Weather Facebook page entitled “And Now, Back to you, Josh, With Today’s Weather”, it’s worth your time, actually.

ANYYYWAY, apparently the snow can’t stop the mailman, but it can stop the court from going forward.

Now, Northampton County had already gone ahead yesterday and cancelled all sorts of proceedings for today, but considering the fact that many of those proceedings were for people who live in Easton and thus do not have access to electricity, the radio or are more or less illiterate, the cancellations fell on deaf ears.

Which, OMG made the lawyers and the court workers sOOOO mad and stuff.

A group of defendants apparently didn’t get the message that Northampton County Court officials canceled the arraignments scheduled for today.

About 50 people showed up this morning to the courthouse despite the snow, ready to be arraigned.

Rather than send the crowd home, court officials scrambled to take care of the walk-ins.

Outside the windows of historic Courtroom 1, snowflakes were falling like so much confetti.

Inside the courtroom there were a handful of defense attorneys and prosecutors, Judge Leonard N. Zito running the call of the list and officials looking for a probation officer to handle any guilty pleas.

Some attorneys were dressed for the weather, not for court, and were running around in jeans and winter boots.

One attorney said he wore a sweater to the office, but thankfully had a spare coat and tie. 

Defense attorney Scott Wilhelm was dressed and ready for court because he didn’t check for the court cancellation notice Wednesday and missed the listing on WFMZ.
Some inmates said they wanted to go to trial while others just want to get rid of their cases.

“(I’m) Jamarcus Fennel and I’m guilty,” Fennel said to the judge. Source

Jarmarcus, the only thing you are guilty of is having a last name that reminds me of a tasty vegetable.

Ok, so can we now officially stop with this shit? For the record, it’s going to snow all night and it’s probably going to snow next week according to the Farmer’s Almanac, however, according to the Rapper’s Alamanac, next week is going to be full of hot ladies and block rocking beats at Club 40 Below. BRING ITTTTTT

Teens CHARGED in Easton Bubble Bombing!!!!!

File this under TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!

Remember when Easton’s Center, oh excuse me CENTRE Square Fountain was bubble bombed back in September? If not read about it here.

As far as pranks go, this was a good one. It was harmless, unless you consider floating blobs of soap hitting your windshield to be somewhat of a driving hazard, and it was easily cleanable, considering it was done WITH SOAP.

Well it turns out the girls (yes all girls) who planned and carried out the prank are totally being charged. How did they get caught? How else? They posted it on Youtube….

Four New Jersey residents face charges after they allegedly participated in a prank that left the fountain in Easton’s Centre Square filled with soapy bubbles, police say.

Police were able to identify the people involved after a video of the prank was posted on YouTube. Charged were Carly Marie Ceccato, 20 (FACEBOOK PROFILE); Kelsey Rockware, 19 (FACEBOOK PROFILE); and Allison Tharp, 20, all of Phillipsburg, and Stephanie Raymond, 19, (FACEBOOK PROFILE) of Glen Gardner, according to a news release.

The women were all charged Tuesday with criminal mischief, records say.

The prank happened about 11:30 p.m. Sept. 7. Rockware spoke to The Express-Times as she watched the bubbles.

“We walked up and it got bigger while we were sitting here,”Rockware said at the time. “It got huge while we were watching.”

Police said the clean-up costs were $1,103. That figure included labor, chemicals and water to refill the fountain. Source

Turns out the girls were actually INTERVIEWED in the original article. THEY STUCK AROUND AND WERE INTERVIEWED by the FUCKING NEWSPAPER!!!

These girls do NOT deserve to be fined, they deserve to have glory rained down upon them like the true awesome people that they are. Seriously, this couldn’t have gone better than that time I tried to blow up my college’s quad.

Honestly though, Easton, I know you HAVE to fine them just because you have to make sure that more kids don’t try and pull this shit in the future, but can you think of something ELSE besides “clean-up costs” to justify it? I mean, they probably made the city about 5 percent cleaner while the bubbles floated about downtown Easton and gave some homeless people a bit of Zest Fully Clean for awhile.

LOVE. THESE. GIRLS. FOREVER.

OH and that’s Setphanie Raymond up there.

If you find the youtube video, send it to me por favor. Thanks!

Snow Plow + Car = Not Good

One time in high school me and a few friends were driving up a long and windy two lane road into the back country. It was a nice, sunny day and we were speeding along until we came up behind a car going, oh, I don’t know, probably the speed limit. So, my friends were shouting for me to pass the car on the left (which was legal at this point since there was a yellow dotted line) but I would have done so right before the crest of a hill and couldn’t see THAT far in front of me (even though no cars had come in the opposite direction for a good five miles.)

I pulled to the left and started to go, then settled back behind the car, deciding not to tempt any sort of fate waiting for me…

Just then a school bus full of kids comes over the crest of the hill right when I would have been completing the pass.

Phew…

For me, I mean, I could care less about the kids.

A 24-year-old Asbury man suffered a major injury early Saturday morning in a crash with a PennDOT snow plow on Rout 329 in Allen Township.

Pennsylvania State Police at Bethlehem say Lee D. Pyle was driving east on Nor-Bath Boulevard (Route 329) at 1:40 a.m. when he lost control of his 2000 Prizm on the snow-covered road. The car went down a hill and into the opposite lane, where it hit the plow on the front of a PennDOT truck driven by Walter A. Rabenold, 25, of Easton.

Pyle suffered a major injury and was taken to St. Luke’s Hospital in Fountain Hill, where he was listed in fair condition this morning, according to a nursing supervisor. Police say he showed signs of intoxication, and a blood sample was collected to determine his blood-alcohol content.

Rabenold suffered a minor injury and was treated at Lehigh Valley Hospital-Muhlenberg.

Two passengers in Pyle’s car — Devin L. Engle, 21, and Mitch Brown, 23, both of Bethlehem, escaped injury. Source

These guys surely have Facebook profiles, but seeing that they are the innocent victims here, wouldn’t be fair to post, you can find on your own. Let’s hope everyone turns out OK here…

You know what I’m worried about though??? I wonder where that Bangor Teacher’s Aide has been hiding. She won’t go on a date with me:(

“Mutual Flashing” in Easton!

I  never really understood strip clubs. I mean, I GET IT, I get the point of wanting to see boobs or whatever. But, it never made sense to me. Why are you going there to pay these women to take their clothing off?

Do I go to the Hard Wok Buffet to smell the food and leave? No! I eat it all.

Wow, that was a really horrible analogy.

Anyway, I guess for some people seeing is… believing.. especially when you’re stuck in Easton.

An Easton man who exposed himself to a 15-year-old girl must serve 22 months of probation and complete 30 hours of community service, a Northampton County judge ordered Friday.

Terrel N. Sutton, 21, received the sentence from Judge Leonard Zito after earlier pleading guilty to indecent exposure and corrupting a minor, both misdemeanors.

Sutton, who was charged by Easton police in October 2008, had originally faced more serious allegations of sexual contact with the girl. But he denied that and took a lie detector test that confirmed no touching had occurred, said defense attorney Christopher Shipman.

Assistant District Attorney Patricia Broscius said the girl later retracted those claims. 

Sutton characterized what happened as a ”mutual flashing,” said Zito, who also ordered Sutton to have random drug testing and to get a job within 30 days. Source

Mutual flashing, eh? I guess that’s much better than unwanted flashing… but, whatever. Now, I’m not saying that any of this is OK, it’s totally not. 15 year old girls, no matter how much makeup they wear, are still 15 year old girls and it’s gross. However, nearly a year in jail? Wowsers, Easton does NOT like their child flashers…. good for them though, right?

Illegal Immigrants in the Lehigh Valley? Say it ain’t so…

Are there still people who ride up to the Home Depot and pick up the Mexican guys, pay them to do some landscaping, then drop them back off later that night?

I think I witnessed this once. I mean, fuck, it’s the American way. And while no one wants the problems that come along with illegal immigrants, namely the fact that they are harder to trace to crimes and such since they have no history here (oh and the whole taking your dad’s job thing) if you were in their situation I’d you bet you a Toaster Strudel that you’d do the same thing they would do.

Everything is relative.

Except relativity.

Right?

Twelve alleged illegal immigrants were detained in Lehigh County Prison after a three-vehicle crash Friday evening on Route 22 in South Whitehall Township.

Pennsylvania State Police at Bethlehem say Edward D. Hersch, 46, of Coplay, was driving east about 5 p.m. in an area of heavy traffic. He was unable to stop his vehicle before crashing into a van driven by Jose R. Crespo-Gradio, 25. John P. O’Donnell, 51, of Easton, then rear-ended Hersch’s vehicle.

Police say Crespo-Gradio and 11 of his passengers were in the country illegally from Mexico. Police called Immigration and Customs Enforcement to detain the men. Source

They listed the names of the immigrants…. however, since the servers for LibroDeLaCara.com are down I couldn’t find any of their profiles.

Ahh, such is life.

Oh, I also recently decided I’m not drinking for a month in an effort to see what the world is really like on Thursday through Sunday. Please wish me well in this effort.

Woman Drives Into Easton Square One Market (Literally)

Ugh. Monday.

So, I didn’t win a car at the Sands Casino this weekend and that really pissed me off. I have to say that I have never, ever, ever seen it that packed, not that I go often, but it took nearly 15 minutes to get from halfway across the Mini Trail Bridge to a parked location.

Speaking of parking, some lady in Easton needs a few tips, or less crack.

A woman drove her Nissan Sentra into an convenience store about 9:30 this morning on South Third Street in Easton.

The woman crashed through a front window of the Square One Market,knocking over a display stand. A witness, who declined to give her name, said she was inside at the time of the crash and no one was injured. The witness said the woman walked away from the crash and said a baby who was in a car seat appeared to be uninjured.

Police closed the store while they investigated and cleaned up from the wreck. Firefighters were poking out glass shards still hanging from the window pane. Source

Ahh,  yes, when driving with my baby in the car I find it difficult to have to get OUT of the car to buy shit. I would instead just like the option of driving directly into the store and only have to reach out of my car to acquire the items I need and then maybe pay for them.

Oh, btw, there is a super awesome open mic you need to come to on Wednesday. If you haven’t already, then check it out and RSVP and then go and either play your kazoo or  just watch local artists play their kazoos.

The Most Famous People Who Live in the Lehigh Valley

So, the Lehigh Valley is a nice place. If you don’t live in the middle of Easton or Allentown, it’s a good place to raise a family and send them to school. It’s a nice place to go to college. You can even make some money here depending on what you do.

There isn’t much of an entertaining nightlife unless you REALLY enjoy just getting wasted or going to strip clubs that are stocked with heroin addicts.

HOWEVER, regardless of any pitfalls, the Lehigh Valley still is home to some famous people.. and by home I mean, they live here currently and not in L.A. or NYC or Tulsa.

See, Johnathan Taylor Thomas (or JAY T T as I call him) over there was BORN here, but he doesn’t live here anymore.

Fame Factor will be counted in hearts with four hearts meaning that they are super duper famous in the Lehigh Valley and everywhere else and one meaning that they are only famous in the Lehigh Valley.

So, I guess this is in no particular order let’s start with….

Tom Ring

Relatively new on the “I know THAT GUY” fame, Ring does something at Brown Daub Kia. What he’s famous for, however, is being a general oddball who pops up on your radio station every FIFTEEN seconds saying “Everybody Drives.”

This guy is just freakin’ EVERYWHERE. He has absolutely no shame (good thing.) And, to be honest, I think he’s great. Heprobably sells a boatload of cars and gets to act like a moron while doing it.

He also gets to go to work and be like “So, I was thinking of a new ad campaign. If you can’t get a car here I’m going to tell people I’ll kiss their mother-in-law!!! Get it?!?!? NO ONE LIKES THEIR MOTHER-IN-LAW HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!

He also gets to scream and yell a ton.

Fame Factor: 1 Heart. Yeah, he’s everywhere, but it’s only in the valley.

Ed Hanna

WFMZ Channel 69’s (really? 69? ugh) perennial happy dude who makes you actually enjoy watching the weather. I don’t know if it’s because he resembles a really large teddy bear or that he just doesn’t seem to have a malicious bone in his body, but he just seems like someone you’d want to be around.

He’s probably a mean drunk, though… I’m just guessing. No one can be THAT happy and perky all the time and not have some sort of inner demon.

Hope your arm heals up, Ed!

Fame Factor: 1  I’m sure that he’s known in the meteorology “circles” outside of the area, but if he stepped foot in Lancaster no one would look at him twice. However, if I saw him at Wegman’s I’d totally flip out!

John Callahan

Bethlehem’s Mayor and congressional hopeful (against Charlie Dent who, arguably is more “famous” than Callahan, but he’s a bit more boring so i didn’t list him), Callahan has brought Bethlehem back! Well, his predecessor Don Cunningham did his share too, but Callahan had his hands in the Casino and tons of money coming into the city, which is good for property owners.

His boyish good looks and frequent rumors about his womanizing make him an awesome mayor because you can either love this guy or love to hate him because he made out with your girlfriend in the bathroom at the Apollo Grille.

He’s also well-known as Johnny Casino!

I like Johnny Casino much more than boring John Callahan, don’t you?

I’m not saying, I’m jussayin.

Fame Factor: 2 Hearts.  Definitely known outside of the area, but more in the political realm. Not many people in Gettysburg, Pa. even know where Bethlehem, Pa. is, but man, he’s just sooooooo gooood looooking.

I love seeing him out and about, too. Makes me feel like I’m helping out my city or something.. I dunno.

Chuck Bednarik

Old crotchety Bednarik lives in Coopersburg and kinda hates the Philadelphia Eagles even though he’s the most famous Eagle if (you’re over the age of 65) that ever lived.

I’m sure that Chuck spends his time just basically being a dick. I mean, I would. He’s from that generation. You’re SUPPOSED to drink a lot of whiskey and watch as your wife makes you ham sandwhiches and hit your kids. I’m not saying he does any of these things, but  he should. Also, I bet he was a kick ass / awful dad. Like, you know he had to be hard on his kids being that he was basically a gladiator and played with broken bones and shit all the time…. but then he probably would beat the hell out of your for anything “pussy like” you did like not beat up everyone in school or something…

Fame Factor: 3 Hearts.  Unless you know football, you don’t know Bednarik. But, if you do know football, then you know Bednarik. You do the math.

Mario / Michael / The Young one Andretti

O heeerrre we go. Now we’re talking about the big boys. I’ve already written about the day that Mario Andretti tried to kill me, so I won’t go over it, but yeah, I kinda hold a grudge against this dude. He seems so fucking smug. So what, you can drive a fucking car! CAN YOU RIDE A POGO STICK? Didn’t think so Mario, didn’t think so. Go save the princess…

Anyway, the Andrettis, including the young dude who currently drives who I couldn’t care less about until he wins The Indy 500, are world known and MAYBE deserving of being the most famous people currently living in the Valley (albeit probably not full time.)

What a life this guy has. Think about it. He gets to drive fast cars, wins shit, gets tons of money, probably gets a banging hot girl, has some kids, retires and now gets to ride around on four wheelers all day.

What would he have done if Ford didn’t create the T-Model? Hmmmm???? Then what Mario? WHAT WOULD YOU BE NOW?

Fame Factor:4 Hearts. I would say they probably peaked in the 1980s with EVERYONE knowing the name “Andretti,” but I would hasten to say that their fame has waned in recent years, most people probably still know the name, but I wonder if they could put it to a face?

Larry Holmes

Ohhhhh Larry Holmes. Now this guy. This guy? He’s just the guy. Fights for the World Heavyweight Championship of the world and trains in EASTON, PA!!! Stays in Easton, Pa after making bazillions of dollars!!! He fought Muhammad Ali, no, he BEAT MUHAMMAD ALI, and he decided to STAY IN EASTON, PA.

That’s like Derek Jeter living in Fort Indiantown Gap and traveling to NYC just to play games. I mean…

Easton? You have to get skill points just for living there. Holmes was immediately better than every opponent just because his body was so used to drinking Easton water and breathing Easton air. As soon as he was somewhere non-toxic, like Africa, he would be like Superman under Earth’s bright yellow sun!!!!

Holmes has a nice house in Palmer, I think that’s where it is, I’ve seen it. It’s like a compound. But, to his credit, he’s given tons of money to the city and has donated to youths and blah blah blah. I just want him to have a George Foreman Grill or something.

The Larry Holmes Easton, Pa Bullet-Proof Vest.

Fame Factor:4 Hearts.  I don’t care if 14 year old girls don’t know who Larry Holmes is. If you can still wear purple suits in public and no one 1. makes fun of you or 2. tells you that maybe you shouldn’t do that, then you are awesome in my book.

Anyone I missed? Feel free to comment. Remember, they have to LIVE here NOW.

***UPDATE Darryl Dawkins!!!

So, this was up for like 10 seconds before I started getting ripped for not putting Darryl Dawkins on the list. Well, I just wasn’t sure if he still lived here or if he moved or whatever.

Apparently, “Chocolate Thunder” is now the coach of the esteemed LCCC Basketball Team, which is probably the best coaching job a former NBA star could ever hope to want.

Besides that, this is a giant man and I met him once, actually. No, that is not me in the picture, it’s my buddy who went there to take photos and Dawkins almost mistook him for an M&M and ate him…

Anyway, I was covering an event at an elementary school where he came in and played the entire school of kids in a game of basketball. Was pretty glorious!

DARRYL! If you read this, totally e-mail me cause I WOULD LOVE to go out on the town with you one night. PLEASE? I’ll donate money to charity!

Woman busts into WRONG Courtroom!

Whenever I’m at a wedding I’m secretly hoping that someone busts through the doors like they do in the movies and goes “NOOOO I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS MARRIAGE!!! I’m totally in love with you (Insert stupid bride’s name)”

And the bride is like “WTF?”

And the groom is like “You’re a whore.”

And then they guy who made the protest gets rebuffed, heads outside and collects like $400 in “I totally dare you to fuck up these people’s lives forever” dare money.

Life is just so, boring, you know? Let’s spice it up a little bit.

A woman rushed into a Northampton County courtroom Wednesday to urge a jury to spare convicted killer Ali Elijah Davis’ life.

Later that day, Davis was ordered to spend the rest of his life in prison, but the woman’s outburst had nothing to do with his sentence.

The woman, Christine Herman, made her plea in the wrong courtroom.She interrupted a nonjury civil trial before Senior Judge Lawrence Brenner, according to Court Administrator Jim Onembo.

Also, officials said, she was late. By the time Herman arrived, jurors had already left the correct courtroom — Courtroom 10 — to begin deliberating.

Herman told all present that God opposes the death penalty, so Davis’ life should be spared. He was convicted Monday of shooting Aleah Hamlin, Chanel Armour and Alphe Rene on Nov. 29, 2007, in what has been called an Easton gang slaying.

“I stormed into Courtroom 2 and started yelling what I believe,” Herman said after the incident.

The woman’s wish came true in a roundabout way — the jury deadlocked on Davis’ sentence and Judge Stephen Baratta had no choice but to sentence the 22-year-old to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Source

See? This is the type of bad planning that gets people killed. I have stayed away from this story on purpose because it’s freaking awful and it’s things like this that are the most telling.

If I’m going away for murder and my friends can’t even figure what fucking courtroom I’m in where I’m going to be sentenced (possibly to death) then, really? REALLY?

Ugh. So, it snowed today.

Easton’s Such a Friendly Place (TO GET CARJACKED!)

So, just after I get some heat for saying that “CENTRE” Square in Easton sucks this nice little heartwarming story comes across the wire.

An Easton man faces charges after he allegedly pulled a man from a car last week and beat him.

According to records:

William Strahle was driving west on Jan. 16 in the 800 block of Northampton Street. He saw Derrick Stacey Smith, (FACEBOOK PROFILE) 18, of the 700 block of Northampton Street, standing in the middle of the road.

Strahle stopped his car to avoid hitting Smith, who then approached the car. Smith, who police said smelled of alcohol at the time, allegedly began punching and kicking the hood of the car. 

Then he allegedly pulled Strahle out and began assaulting him. Strahle’s glasses were broken in the assault and he was taken to an area hospital for treatment of injuries. Source

Yeah, you’re right, this is such a good place to raise a family. And to think I was forgetting about the Farmer’s Markets and the festivals and all the good things that….PEOPLE ARE GETTING PULLED OUT OF THEIR FUCKING CARS ON THE MAIN STREET OF THE CITY?!?!?!?!?!? JESUS

Easton’s CENTRE Square Totally Not Couth

I don’t spend a lot of time in Easton’s Centre Square, firstly because it’s spelled stupid and secondly because I value life.

Now, “Centre” is obviously the English spelling of this word (similar to “favourite” and “colour”) and has no place being used by the city of Easton.

If you’re not doing anything Renaissancey you should not be using Englishey words!!! WE CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR SPELLINGS!!! Just cause you spell it fancy like “Easton’s CENTRE Square,” while holding your pinky up and drinking a cup of tea doesn’t mean that there aren’t people with tire irons and guns down there beating the fuck out of each other.

Two men face charges after one of them allegedly fought and another allegedly threatened a man in Easton’s Centre Square early Sunday morning.

According to court records:

George A. Fischer (FACEBOOK PROFILE), 24, of the first block of North Warren Street in Easton, allegedly twice struck Jarvin Armelin in the head with a tire iron.

Damian Zamora, 23, of the 4400 block of William Penn Highway in Bethlehem Township, allegedly threatened to get a gun to kill Armelin.

Zamora and Fischer allegedly struggled with police officers trying to arrest them. The incident happened about 1:15 a.m.

Fischer was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Zamora was charged with two counts of making terroristic threats, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Both were committed to Northampton County Prison. Source

And you wonder why I don’t like going anywhere near CENTER square, huh? More like the CENTER of POOPVILLE if you ask me.

But, seriously, people, what the hell? This is probably the most visible part of the city and arguably the most famous and historical, if not popular. Shouldn’t it be a priority to have this place safe, no matter the time of day or night?

Whoever the F*&K Snookie is Will be In Easton Saturday

*slits wrists slowly with butterknife*

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, star of the hit MTV reality show “Jersey Shore,” will help raise money for Haiti Saturday at Star PontiacBuick GMC Car Pre-Owned Center in Easton.

Polizzi will sign autographs and pose for pictures with fans 2-4 p.m.

“The dealership will donate $100 per every car sold on Saturday to provide much needed supplies and relief to the people in Haiti,” says sales manager Eric Watson.

“But it’s not really about selling cars,” say Watson. “It’s about raising awareness with the dealership and helping a good cause Source

*Decides to never have children and bring them into this awful world.*

Most Informational News Article EVER POSTED

Ok, so, when I read a news story, or any story for that matter, I expect a modicum of information and effort. Like, if you do not have enough information or don’t have all the facts, then just fucking wait for a little bit. Is it more important to get something out there that really doesn’t mean shit just to get it out there or is it more important to get everything RIGHT then get it out there?

This has happened before, sadly, and with the “other” paper in the Valley that is someone still in business.

Apparently the MCall just wants you to know that they may know something. THIS IS THE WHOLE FUCKING ARTICLE:

LoJack signal guides police to alleged Easton chop shop full of cars and parts

An electronic signal coming from a car stolen in New York led Easton police to an alleged chop shop where investigators found piles of car parts and numerous stolen vehicles Sunday.

pamela.lehman@mcall.com

610-820-6790

THE HEADLINE is almost as long as the fucking article. Ok, sooo from this article I now know that 1. Lojack is some sort of device that would lead law enforcement to a stolen vehicle and investigators were SOMEWHERE in the great city of Easton finding said stolen cars.

Great, hopefully the upcoming weather reports from the MCall aren’t “There will be weather today, be prepared.”

Really Morning Call? Really?