Kids are Back on Campus, Commence Drinking! (Facebook Profile)

This is just the calm before the storm, so I wanted to do a test article to make sure I still had what it took to properly write about drunk college students.

Phew, here it goes.

SO there was this DRUNK Lehigh Student (stop me if you’ve heard this one before)..

….

That was a figure of speech, I didn’t mean actually stop me…

A 20-year-old college student was taken to St. Luke’s Hospital in Fountain Hill early Monday morning after she was found unconscious in a Bethlehem student apartment, according to city police.

Bethlehem police say Emily Flanagan (Facebook Profile), 20, of Chatham, N.J., was found unconscious and intoxicated at 1:13 a.m. Monday in an apartment in the 300 block of East Fifth Street, near Lehigh University. The apartment is part of student housing owned by Fasnacht Property Management, police said.Police did not specify where Flanagan goes to school. (LVwithLOVE Note: She Goes to Lehigh, Class of 2012)

St. Luke’s Hospital did not have a record of Flanagan this morning, a nursing supervisor said. City police charged her with purchasing, consuming or possessing alcohol while being underage. Source

Well, she sobered up and left Dodge.

SUCKS when you get so drunk you pass out THEN they charge you with shit.

I mean the hangover is bad enough.

Well, welcome to campus 2010! So many more to come I cannot wait! Man, without you college kids, I’d have nothing to write about all fall except this stupid Congressional race between Tweedle Kennedy and Tweedle ManCougar.

How’d I do?

Musikfest is Over. Resume Sad Life.

Musikfest is over and I feel like crap. It’s part postpartum depression and part “I’m REALLY hung over.”

So, in an effort to encapsulate all the fun that went down this past week, here are some things you may have missed…

• 77 people were arrested during the 10-day festival, the most coming on Friday the 13th when 15 people were cited.

None of them was named Jason Vorhees.

• 48 of the arrests were of people under age 21, most of those for underage drinking. Police arrested 60 adults and 17 juveniles.

• Bethlehem residents accounted for 29 of the 77 alleged lawbreakers, and nine people from outside of the area were cited. Wrongdoers came from New Jersey (five), Pennsylvania (70), California (one) and New York (one).

Freaking Californians.

• 68 percent of arrests involved over-consumption of alcohol.

Is there such a thing as “over consumption?” Cmon.

• One arrest involved a man carrying an accordion.

• No horses or other police officers were assaulted.

Hmmm, I wonder why?

• One person was cited for having marijuana at Riverplatz.

Couldn’t have been during the Sublime concert, could it?

• “Puberty Platz,” better known the rest of the year as Main Street, remained the hub of arrest activity: 60 arrests, or 78 percent, were made on Main Street or at an intersection with Main Street. Source

Another lesson for the kids… don’t get drunk, illegally no less, in the place where there are the most police. 

I’m just sayin.

Ok, off to ring out my liver.

Musikfest Arrest Round Up! (DRUNKS AND MOONS)

This doesn’t need much introduction. Here are your winners SO FAR for “most stupid faced stupidness” at Musikfest!

I included the picture of this woman because I saw her do this last year and I was amazed that 1. she did it and 2. she makes a living eats by doing this. Just makes me happy about the world.

A boy dropped his pants and mooned a crowd of people at 11:30 p.m. Wednesday while on the Main Street ramp. It’s the same Main Street ramp where Bethlehem police park their SWAT team’s armored vehicle and the police department’s command center along with an array of video cameras. He was cited with disorderly conduct.

Mooning is an artform and thus, this arrest is invalid.

A 21-year-old New Jersey man was found Tuesday night passed out at the corner of West Lehigh and Main streets. David Pascale was taken to a local hospital and charged with public drunkenness. 

Yawn, fucking boring. Who gets arrested for JUST being drunk? Break something or at least piss on the street. I’m taking back your “cool” card.

Police found a 15-year-old boy drunk at 12:26 a.m. Wednesday as he wandered in the first block of Center Street.

THAT is more like it!

A 22-year-old Walnutport man was charged with public drunkenness while being carried to his car early Wednesday on the Broad Street bridge. Benjamin T. Reichenbach (FACEBOOK PROFILE) had a preliminary blood-alcohol content of 0.262, more than three times the legal limit to drive.

SUHWEEEET. Awesome. I hope they weren’t carrying him back to drive? Just sayin.

A 28-year-old Allentown woman passed out at 12:47 a.m. Wednesday in the 400 block of Main Street. Amy Mussel was found on the ground and charged with public drunkenness.

Amy, call me. You left your dignity on my nightstand.

An 18-year-old city man on Wednesday night tossed a bottle from the Main Street bridge onto Fetzplatz. The Main Street bridge is where the police headquarters for the festival are located. Christopher Vargas, of Fiot Avenue, was nabbed by mounted officers and charged with disorderly conduct.

Once again, our horse buddies come up strong!

A 31-year-old man passed out, with his pants open, in the first block of East Church Street, the same block that hosts City Hall and police headquarters. Christopher D. Bemelmans, of Oakland Road in Bethlehem Township, Pa., was charged with public drunkenness. Source

WITH his pants open. THAT is how you do it, kids. 

I hope you were all taking notes. If you find these awesome people’s Facebook Profiles, post em in the comments section below.

Underage Drinkers at Musikfest Are Stoopid (FACEBOOK PROFILES)

It’s SOOO easy to underage drink and not get caught. 

DON’T DO IT IN PUBLIC.

LSDKFJ:LSDKJFSDKLFJ

Seriously, if you’re a teenager, the underage drinking itself is enough. You don’t have to compound the whole exciting act by also going out in public. Why? Because, since you aren’t a seasoned drunk like most of the people at Musikfest, you don’t know quiet what’s going to happen to you when you get drunk no matter how many times you “drank two 40s in 20 min.”

Seriously, go find a field, someone’s bedroom or John Callahan’s backyard if you’re over 18 and cute. (Eh, even if you’re under 18, just wear eye makeup.)

Six teenagers were charged with underage drinking after a late Monday night disturbance at a Musikfest bus pickup point in Lower Saucon Township, police said.

Twenty to 30 youths were involved in the 11:25 p.m. fracas, which occurred after they had spent the evening at the musical activities in Bethlehem, according to township police.

When police arrived at the Musikfest pickup point, which is the Giant Food parking lot at 1880 Leithsville Road, they separated the youths involved in the commotion and found six who had been drinking, police said.

Charged with underage drinking were Francis Pagliante III, 19, of Silverdale; Nicole Knoblauch (FACEBOOK PROFILE), 18, of Ottsville; Chelsea Hunt, 18, ofCoopersburg; Brittany Snyder, (FACEBOOK PROFILE) 19, of Ottsville; Tyler Kraemer, 19, of Springtown; and an unnamed 17-year-old girl. Source

Nicole Knoblauch Musikfesttttttt later tonightttt♥

How’d that work out for you Nicole?

Ugh, seriously kids, do it like I used to do it: Pick up truck, keg of beer, copy of Cosmo.

15 Year Old “Covers Entire Criminal Code Section”

We take a break from your previously scheduled Musikfest fun reporting to bring you a juvenile who committed more crimes before he was of legal smoking age than you probably will in your entire life!

A 15-year-old Bethlehem boy was arrested and charged with multiple counts of rape, involuntary deviant sexual intercourse and related charges, police spokesman Mark DiLuzio said today.

The girl, who was 12 when the alleged attacks began, reported them to the staff of St. Luke’s Hospital in Fountain Hill, who called police, DiLuzio said.

“He basically covered the entire criminal code section,” relating to sexual assault DiLuzio said.

The boy is in Northampton County Prison pending court action, DiLuzio said.  Source

EEEk “deviant” means “sick shit” just so you’re aware. Don’t feel like getting into it.

Enjoy getting drunk this week!

The LCB Tries to Screw Up Musikfest Because They are D#$ks

So, as anyone and everyone knows, if you carry a Musikfest mug on the streets of Bethlehem (well, the streets where Musikfest is officially being held) and it’s filled with alcohol and you’re not falling over drunk, you’re ok.

Why? Because the Bethlehem PD (and their twittering horse counterparts) understands that waiving the open container law during this time period allows Musikfest to flourish.

Why? Because by waiving the law for a week, they allow people to get drunk outside and make rash decisions in terms of buying crap. See, if they were inside getting drunk the whole time, they wouldn’t be drunk by some of the vendors and wouldn’t be whipping out their credit cards to buy crappy sunglasses or sterling silver rings for their new girlfriends. Just saying.

Besides, would you really buy all those speedies from Hogar Crea if you were sober? No, you wouldn’t

ok ok read on…

As Musikfest grows near, the folks at Bethlehem Brew Works work like indentured servants to brew up enough of the cold sudsy stuff to satisfy the thirsty crowds that flock to the Christmas City to see the likes of Heart and Lynard Skynard.

They and other downtown taverns happily fill festival-goers’ Musikfest mugs and offer frosty ales in plastic pint cups, to go.

That was until Friday, said Brew Works co-owner Rich Fegley. State Liquor Control Enforcement officers warned bar owners that the rules had changed and they would no longer be able to sell beer in take-out cups at any time during the festival, he said.

“For 12 years the enforcement has allowed patrons to take beer they purchased onto the streets,” Fegley said.

Distressed Bethlehem restaurant and tavern owners complied with the change, but hastily convened a summit at the Hotel Bethlehem Saturday afternoon with Liquor Control Enforcement and city, Fegley said. There’s big money at stake for the downtown bars and restaurants.

Liquor control officials explained the law, and the upshot was that for now, the bars plan to continue filling the mugs and plastic cups until at least Monday, Fegley said, when top Liquor Control Enforcement officials are back in the office and can clarify the rules.

Bethlehem Police Commissioner Stuart Bedics said State Liquor Control Enforcement officers’ warnings relate to a ruling in a 1994 case involving Rippers Pub that he admits is less than clear. City police had nothing to do with the warnings, he said, and customarily waive the city’s standard prohibition on carrying open alcoholic beverages during Musikfest.

Fegley said his downtown eatery has rung up as much as $15,000 in beer purchases on a peak Musikfest day, and about half of that probably consists of “to-go” sales. It’s a very important period for the business, he said. Source

Why did this happen? I guarantee you some LCB big shot just decided to wake up and be an asshole and go “hmm, how can I get my sad rocks off today? Oh, I’ll just fuck with one million people’s beers.” That’s a good way to get your house TP’ed just saying.

The cops aren’t going to arrest anyone. I can tell you that. And I don’t see the LCB enforcing this law when there are literally thousands of people who are either just not going to be aware of it or are going to ignore it because… well… in a group of about 500 people, you can ignore it.

Great job though, LCB, and… it was a nice shot. Go back to continuing to make Pennsylvania the most screwed state up when it comes to alcohol sales. You make all our friends from other states laugh at us every time we go to a 7-11. Just saying.

The Top Ten Musikfest 2010 Challenge (Are You Festive Enough?)

Well, Musikfest is officially here and we have a game for you! This is the honor system, so don’t cheat like those jerks who play trivia at the Brew Works and get the answers from their iPhones, like REALLLLLY?

This is simple… each item on the list has a point value. Track your checklist throughout the week. Most points wins. Tiebreakers will be determined by the most crazy picture submitted after all scores are tallied. 

Winner gets immortalized.

Oh and say hi to the Bethlehem Horse Police Cops, who are tweeting throughout the entire event!

Now, we went over what Platzes you should go to. You can also read our Muisikfest’s Best Food Bets from last year that is still applicable.

Since all of that is out of the way, lets get to the good stuff… here are 10 Things you NEED TO DO, no matter who you are, this year at Musikfest.

1. Get a Blinky Mug. It’s stupid, they are expensive, there is no reason to do it. But, I want one. You want one. The horses want one. Just get a freaking blinky mug so you at least have something to light your way home with. You know those purple bug zapper things? The blinky mugs are likes those, just the insects are drunk people. Do it and conform, OK?

Points: 2

BONUS: 1 Point if you try and hypnotize a police horse with your mug.

2.  See that Bell Ringing Dude. Cast in Bronze (so gay) is the real name. Any dude that travels with a custom made church bell piano is invited to my bar mitzvah any day of the week (but, not Sunday, right god?)

Points: 4

BONUS: 2 Points if you yell “FREE BIRD” while he is playing.

3. Chug a beer you smuggled in in a porta potty: Yep, shut up. Do it. Musikfest is the one time of year that MOST “adults” get the chance to enjoy summer, kick back and have an excuse to come into work hung over. So, this is almost like a rite of passage.

Points: 10

BONUS: 5 Points if you shotgun a PBR.

4. Stand for Five Minutes at the Emo Corner: If you’re not familar, all the goth kids hang out by the Moravian Church near the corner of Main Street and Church Street. They are weird, don’t shower and as much as they want to all be “different” they all dress the same. Go figure. You will NOT fit in here. So if you can stand within two feet of a gaggle of goth kids for five minutes, you get…

Points: 3

BONUS: 10 Points if you start a conversation with one of the kids about how good Nickleback is.

5. Eat a Take a Taco with just your hands. Why? Because I always wanted to do this. Their tacos are freaking great but something is lacking when you have to eat them with a fork. The thing with these tacos is that they are basically open faced and take up your whole plate. So, put down those utensils and chomp away.

Points: 2

BONUS: 3 Points if you don’t use a napkin.

6. Ride a Go Kart at Banana Island. I did this once. If you’re nice and probably not TOO fucked up, they will allow you to do this. Keep in mind that these little kids are growing up playing much more realistic video games than you… they will hurt you.

Points: 7

BONUS: 5 Points if you run a kid into the wall. 

7. Eat a Pickle on a Stick I’m not telling you where to find them, but, um search my blog and it’s not hard to figure out. These are the best and cheapest things you can buy at Musikfest with tickets.

Points: 2

BONUS: 10 Points if you cover it in some sort of topping. (Chocolate, funnel cake powered sugar?)

8. Pet a Police Horse I DID NOT SAY HIT. Pet. Be nice. I’m amazed that these horses even put up with all the crap that is going on around them during a normal Musikfest “work day”

Points: 3

BONUS: 4 Points if you ask the police officers riding the horses about their twitter account.

9. Get a Hula Hoop Chick to let you Hula Hoop with her You’ll be seeing more of them this year than you did last year if that stupid Hula Hoop ban is lifted!!!REMEMBER THAT CRAP??? These girls are kinda awesome, kinda weird, kinda cool. So, if one of them lets you hoop you collect…

Points: 6

BONUS: 10 Points if you kiss one on the cheek.

10. Get a Beer in Ripper’s Pub in Under 4 Minutes after 11 p.m. Good Fucking luck.

Points: 15

BONUS: 3 Points if you chug it immediately after getting it.

Ok, report back with your totals as you go!

Which Musikfest Platz is Right For You? Part 2

So, Part 1 was getting way too long to read and my attention span is akin to that of a dwarf on ritalin SO, here is Part 2 of “Which Musikfest Platz is Right for You?

Again, . For a list of ALL venues and schedules, go here.

You can download the map of the whole musikfest party thing event here.

1. Festplatz (AKA Polkaplatz)

Located: Beneath the 378 spur Bridge or whatever it’s called.

Who plays there: I don’t know why this isn’t just called “Polkaplatz.” Whenever anyone tells me to meet them at “Festplatz” I’m like, “Where is that?” Then they say “The Polka Tent” and I’m like “OH SNAP!”

Whoever says that they don’t enjoy or won’t listen to polka, shutyamouths. This is the one time of the year I will listen to and dance to such music and that is just how it’s going to be. Besides, it’s Musikfest, let your hair down, shake off the dust, get out there and cut a rug with granny. They do have more music than just Polka, but your best bet is The Fabulous Greaseband on Thursday, Aug. 12.

Who goes there: EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE! (old people)

Pros: Oh c’mon, have some fun and go to Polkaplatz Festplatz no one is going to judge you. Besides, they have places to sit and eat your yummy foods and no one is going to tell on your for enjoying it.

Cons: Old people move VERY SLOWLY. So, just be ready for that. 

2. Plaza Tropical 

Located: In the grassy area where the Celtic guys throw telephone poles at Celtic Fest.

Who plays there: ”World” music bands, which is the American way of saying “Ethnic music.” It’s a lot of fun bands that represent the diversity of the area. So, if you’re down for some of that music that you hear blasting from the cars on the south side all the time, this is your bet. (I have to admit I always wanna dance when one of those tinted cars goes by with those infections Caribbean beats.)

THEY DO have other acts too, a lot of fun surfy type music. This is the platz to go to if you want to soak up the sun. I recommend Davey and the Waverunners on Aug. 12.

Who goes there: Drunk people who are like “how did we just wander into this?” Ha, more people go here at night than during the day because it has a better “outdoor concert feel” than some of the other platzes because it’s on an elevated stage and you feel like you should be dancing.

Pros: As I just said, it’s got more of a real outdoor concert feel to it. Definitely unique.

Cons: For being out in the open it’s kinda hard to remember it’s there since vendors block the view somewhat from the street and there isn’t one “main” entrance to it.

2. Banana Island

Located: Not on an island as the name would lead you to believe, but in a parking lot across from Plaza Tropical.

Who plays there: THIS is the place to find some interesting music. Two summers ago a group of friends and I stumbled down there only to find some stunningly impressive pianist. I forget her name (stupid) but, she was incredible and there was no way that I ever would have found here unless we just happened to be there. So, I recommend checking this gem out (the stage is at the end of the “island”).

I recommend Bill Warfield Octet on Friday, Aug. 13

Who goes there: People who wandered through the rest of Musikfest and wanted to see what was across the street.

Pros: They have kids games there, including go karts. I convinced the worker there the other year to let me ride and he was like “Don’t be mean to the kids.” So, I wasn’t, but then, after I was about to smoke all those 7 year olds some kid totally runs me into the tires and almost wrecks me Kyle Busch style and I was like WTF MATE?

Cons: A bit off the beaten path? I dunno, it’s fun and there is food there and a beer tent that doesn’t usually get super mobbed.

3. Americaplatz

Located: Where Johnny Casino works, at the plaza at City Hall and the Library.

Who plays there: Rock bands yo! I actually think this is most underrated section of Musikfest. Some people don’t even know it’s there. C’mon peeps.

I recommend The Dirty Guv’nahs on Saturday, Aug. 7

Who goes there: People who are smart enough to know that Americaplatz is there. They have some great food as well. Walk up the Church Street, idiots.

Pros: Great music with a full stage and plenty of seating. Great food. Usually not a ton of long lines.

Cons: Where is it? Ha. It is a bit of a hike, but you’re already drunk, what the fuck do you care?

4. Main Street

Located: Main Street in Bethlehem. I’m not even linking to this. Don’t be an idiot.

Who plays there: Different types of bands who play in tiny sections along the street between vendors AND the PAN FLUTERS WHO WILL STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS!!!!

Who goes there: Everyone who comes to Musikfest.

Pros: You kinda can’t miss it.

Cons: Ugh. So many kids who are getting ready for their late summer pregnancy scares. They should just get a paddock for these weirdos.

There you have it. Now, you know where to go. You don’t even need a map. Just memorize all of this.

AND DON’T FORGET TO COME TO LVWITHLOVE PLATZ ON FRIDAY, AUG. 6 at 7 p.m. FOR A SUPER AWESOME SHOW!

Which Musikfest Platz is Right For You? Part 1

If you’re unfamiliar, Musikfest likes to use the suffix “platz” after all the different stages/locations of the festival because 1. it’s pennsylvania dutchy? and 2. because it sounds cooler than saying “I’m going down to Polka Stage.”

I mean, you can honestly tell your emo friend, “Hey let’s go to Festplatz” and they will be like, “Hey that’s great.” And they won’t make fun of you even though you’re going down to listen to and dance to polka music!

What a racket!

Not every platz is for everyone, however. But, most all platzes can be enjoyed by everyone. Ugh, before I start confusing you, I’m just going to get started here…

In no particular order other than the one I came up with. For a list of ALL venues and schedules, go here.

You can download the map of the whole shebang here.

1. Liederplatz:

Located: In the Sun Inn Courtyard. Behind Ripper’s Pub.

Who plays there: More mainstream bands. That is to say, more bands that are appealing to the masses, lots of good classic rock, some folky stuffs. My favorite this year is Dina Hall and the Backbeats on Aug 6.

Who goes there: Kinda everybody. Not so much teenagers. Lots of people with kids since there is some room for them to run around. Mostly parents or families or people hitting up their first, or last, platz of the day.

Pros: Open, easy access from Main street or Broad Street (that’s what SHE SAID), quality mainstreamy music. 

Cons: Lots of kids running around. Kids are crappy sometimes and eat too much and smell. Also, can get SUPER crowded at times.

2. Volksplatz:

Located: Beneath the Broad Street Bridge. If you enter Musikfest by OBT on Union Blvd, this is the first Platz you will hit.

Who plays there: CELTIC STUFFS! This is probably the best platz behind Riverplace, which is… a place, I guess and not even a platz so my argument is invalid. Volksplatz has the best shows, hands down, that are free. Brother USED to play here each summer and while they won’t this year (sad face) there are other bands who will pick up the slack. I recommend checking out Scythian on Tuesday, Aug. 10.

Who goes there: Again, everyone obviously goes here. Lots of families, again, because there is grassy area to relax in and a tree or two to tie your kid to. Again, not a lot of teens, more or less adults unless there is a Jam Band playing one night then you get all the college kids in.

Pros: Places to lie down if you want in the grass, super comfortable. Best bands play here. Food right next to the tent.

Cons: I want to say none, but, if I had to pick one it would be that seating inside can be limited sometimes and seeing the band can sometimes be tough if it’s a huge show. But, seriously, who cares?

3. Handwerkplatz:

Located: In my pants…… ( I KIDDD I KIDDD) Ok, so maybe the best named platz, but definitely the most boring unless you’re into all the cool stuff they have there :P It’s directly behind the Hotel Bethlehem (on the bottom level) behind the large building that used to be a tannery. Whatever, go here, they have a list of the people crafting there too.

Who plays there: No one. I mean, maybe a passing minstrel. Handwerkplatz is a place for local artists and craftsmen (and women!) come to share their wares! Also that Salsa Dude is there. Also, last year there were banzai trees!

Who goes there: HIPPIES!

Pros: They always have fun and interesting stuff to look at. I think I bought a digeridoo there one year. I just watched Brother play and I was drunk and it seemed like a great idea. Then I got evicted for playing it outside all the time.

Cons: Eh, they do have a lot of the same stuff each year, but I haven’t seen this year. And, this is subjective, but I’m not totally into all the candles and stuff, EVERYTHING is super cool, so if you’re into crafts, go there. I will definitely walk through but I can’t afford those awesome paintings they have. SAD FACE.

4. Lyrikplatz

Located: Here. Down the gravel path from Handjobplatz along the creek.

Who plays there: Fairies and minstrels and fat girls in long flowy dresses with big boobs. They don’t usually have a ton of music here, it’s mainly some different types of wares and quirky items that you can buy. I’m pretty sure they have a few interesting artists here and there.

Who goes there: People walking through. I don’t know if anyone GOES there.

Pros: It’s on the way to a beer tent.

Cons: I still don’t get what it is really.

Ok, more to come, including FOLKSPLATZ beeatch. Oh, and other platzes. PLATZOLA. Don’t forget LVWITHLOVE Platz is having a concert TOMORROW NIGHT WHAT?!?!?!??!?!

Stupid Parents Suck S&^T

Ready?

If you don’t want a kid then use a condom or don’t have sex. If you get a kid and you’d rather fucking party and get drunk and use drugs then give the child up for adoption so that maybe it won’t end up living a rerun of your fucked up sad and egocentric life.

Your life is fine.  You can do with it what you want. Stab your fucking eye out with a fork. Go fuck a penguin. I don’t really care. But, when you bring a child into the world you’re already responsible for its death. And that should mean something to you.

You should at least do the least to make sure that your child is allowed to experience life not at the wrong end of the barrel of a gun loaded with neglect, bullshit and disinterest.

See that picture up there? TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKING CHILD DON’T POST PHOTOS OF HIM ON THE INTERNET IF YOU DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM!

A Hellertown woman who “needed a night out” left her 2-year-old son with his father, who passed out drunk and let the child wander into the street alone in the middle of the night, police say.

At 3:48 a.m. July 3, officers were dispatched for a report of a 2-year-old boy found in the 300 block of Main Street, according to a news release Hellertown police issued this morning. Police discovered the child lived at an apartment in the 200 block of Main Street. When they went there, they allegedly found Aaron Schaible, 30, (SCUMBAG’S FACEBOOK PROFILE) who had gotten drunk and passed out when he was supposed to be caring for his son.

Police say Brittany Pomeroy, 25, (SELFISH BITCH’S FACEBOOK PROFILE) had asked Schaible to watch their son, even though she had an active protection-from-abuse order against him that forbid him to have unsupervised visitation with their child. Source

Oh, Brittany, when you have a kid, YOUR FUCKING NIGHTS OUT ARE OVER. YOU MADE A LIFE DECISION THAT REQUIRES YOU TO BE THE CARETAKER FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. YOU DON’T FUCKING GET DAYS OR NIGHTS OFF YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.

Do. NOT. Fuck with me today.

On a brighter side, today would probably be the day to send me shit to write about. Just saying.

Aaron Schaible can you change your profile to in a relationship. it just makes me feel a lil more secure. thats all baby ! i love youbabygirl

Vanilla Extract Will F*(K Your S#^T UP!

You know, it wasn’t until my mid-20s that I realized that some people are truly insane. I mean, I always kind of had an inkling or at least KNEW that some severe type of insanity existed, however, it wasn’t until one evening that I heard about recovering alcoholic drinking hairspray that I realized, “HOLY CRAP” or something like that.

I mean, if you wanna get high, you’re gonna get high one way or another. Or, well, drunk on Rachael Ray type ingredients.

A 57-year-old New Jersey woman beat Wednesday’s near triple-digit heat browsing the aisles at Ahart’s Market, then she allegedly took vanilla extract into the bathroom, police said, drank it and tried to steal some more.

According to police, Susan Finnigan, of Flemington, tried to bolt from the store without paying for 26 bottles of extract, worth $54, and she drank an unknown amount of the high-alcohol-content baking ingredient. 

According to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration pure vanilla extract must contain at least 35 percent alcohol — Jack Daniel’s whiskey contains 40 percent alcohol — so the concoction packs a punch.

Finnigan isn’t the first to try drinking alcohol in the store bathroom. Susan Montgomery, 54, allegedly quaffed two bottles of cooking wine while in the bathroom the morning of April 28. Source

See how he mentioned that last time? Yeah, ANOTHER lady, in her 50s, totally did the same thing, but it was with cooking wine, not this awesome vanilla extract stuff…. (of course we covered it).

I commend these women! Drink up!

July Fourth Drunken Weekend Round Up

I kinda did nothing great this weekend. Which, in a way is a testament to how borin… oh oh wait, I forgot that last night I went to a friend’s house in Allentown and drank all this Sangria and then ended up singing Robert Palmer on Wii karaoke followed by some sort of Charlie Manson powwow reenactment in the backyard with me and four grown women.

Yeah, I guess it was cool…

A 55-year-old Allentown man wanted on a warrant in New Jersey was found drunk at Westgate Mall on Friday morning. John Randall Guinta, when asked if he had been drinking, told police, “three years ago.” He was charged with public drunkenness and being a fugitive.

SOOO the best “have you been drinking?” comeback I have ever read. Filing this one away.

A 14-year-old boy was charged with harassing a 15-year-old girl via Facebook. The boy allegedly sent the girl lewd messages about sex and drugs. He was referred to Northampton County Juvenile Detention.

Waiiiit a minute. You can go to jail for that? Crap. *deletes all internet history*

A 15-year-old boy had a bottle of Jack Daniel’s whiskey in his backpack Saturday night at the Northwest Little League field in the 1600 block of Valley Road. The boy was cited for underage possession of alcohol.

Idiot. You don’t bring the BOTTLE. You put the alcohol into another container and THEN drink it at the little league game. Stupid.

A 23-year-old man was kicking doors and propane tanks in the 100 block of Union Station Plaza on Saturday night. Ronald Reider had a 0.36 blood alcohol level — more than four times the legal limit to drive — and told police that he would “knock them out” for calling his parents. He was charged with public drunkenness and defiant trespass.

“What are you doing, son?”

“Oh, just kicking doors and propane tanks.”

“Ok, don’t wanna get knocked out, so carry on.”

A 34-year-old city man fired a large aerial mortar firework Sunday night from the area behind Diamonz night club. Johnathan Rowe’s fireworks — a large number of mortars and other missiles — were seized and he was charged with possession of fireworks. Source

Another large set of “missiles” were seized INSIDE Diamonz night club, if you know what I’m sayin… right… righhhht?

NEWSFLASH!!! SOBRIETY CHECKS TO BE IN EFFECT

Just so EVERYONE is aware. This Fourth of July there will be POLICE PEOPLE OUT ON THE ROADS and they are going to BE CHECKING FOR PEOPLE DRIVING WHILE DRUNK.

Why they are choosing to do this this weekend, I have no clue, but I just figured I would pass along this information in case anyone was thinking of driving after having a hot toddy.

The following news item from “Really? NO SHIT News”.

Bethlehem State Police will conduct sobriety checks in Lehigh and Northampton counties from July 2 to 5.

State troopers will stop vehicles at selected points to watch drivers for signs of impaired driving, a news release says.

The goal is to reduce the number of drug- and alcohol-related crashes on Pennsylvania highways, and maintain a safe environment for all drivers on the road. Source

Wait? The goal is to reduce the number of drug and alcohol related crashes?

I just thought it was a way to wait to watch for the people who pulled out of line at a stop and then chase them down and beat them.

Also, ugh, if you don’t know that you REALLY shouldn’t be driving on July 4th, then I’m just gonna tell you. Don’t do it. Take it from Drunk Elmo:

Stumbling Bangor Bleeding Drunk Exposes Genitals to Medics

What do you do in Bangor in the summer when you’re not illegally jumping into quarries or… doing meth?

You wander aimlessly on the road, drunk, bleeding from your face and THEN you pull your penis out to wave it around and show the medics who have come to help you out.

Your mom is going to be so proud of you!

A Lower Mount Bethel Township man was arrested Friday after he was found allegedly drunk and stumbling in the 1300 block of Bangor Road in Plainfield Township, police said.

Police were dispatched to Bangor Road for a report of a fight. When they arrived they found Kyle Robbins, 21, wandering in the road. Robbins was allegedly highly intoxicated, covered in blood, had a cut under his eye and was missing a shoe.

When police tried to talk to Robbins, he allegedly became aggressive toward officers. Medical attention was sought for Robbins because of his conditions and he allegedly exposed his genitals to medics.

Robbins was charged with public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. Police said he would not speak to them about the men with whom he was fighting. Source

OH SOMEONE has got to have this guy’s Facebook Profile. Please post it in the comments below.

Now, in fairness to Kyle here, he’s only 21 and I’m sure he hasn’t been to use to the type of drinking that they do up in Bangor for too long. So, let this be a first lesson to you Kyle, if you drink in Bangor you’re going to end up raped, high on some sort of narcotic or the postmaster.

Woman Straddles Awesome Driver and They Get Pulled Over

Road head: fair enough. You can still kinda concentrate on the road. YOU aren’t really doing anything.

Road SEX: (we’re implying you’re driving here) definitely NOT the most prudent act.

In fact, I would have to say that if road head equates to like a .13 BAC then road sex would definitely have you at like .28 BAC.

There is no way you can drive a vehicle whilst having actual intercourse. It’s just impossible.

Have you tried to play a video game while doing it? Totally not getting a high score.

Jarred Scott Alcott (FACEBOOK PROFILE) wasn’t stopped by state troopers for talking on a cell phone while driving. He was stopped for having a girl straddling his lap and facing him while he drove.

Straddling while driving is not illegal under the PennsylvaniaVehicle Code. But it can be distracting and that is why state police at Fogelsville stopped Alcott, 23, Sunday at Main and Vera Cruz roads in Upper Milford. When troopers stopped Alcott’s car, state police said, they discovered Alcott “exhibited signs of impairment.”

Alcott, of the 4700 block of Vera Cruz Road in Upper Milford was charged with drunken driving. Source

Normally I would lambast someone in this situation, however, I bow to you Mr. Jarred Scott Alcott.

The only thing you did wrong here was get caught.

Oh, wait, I hope they were referring to you being drunk when they said “exhibited signs of impairment” because I would SOOOO much rather be in the paper for drunk driving while having sex than for erectile dysfunction. Just sayin’.