Abe’s Cold Beer Robbed by Man in Fake Beard

As far as criminal disguises go, the fake beard would have to be a pretty safe bet.

It covers your face enough (depending on the fake beard style) that you can really throw off a potential witness’ description of you.

Add any sort of eyeglasses and you’re immediately unrecognizable, however, you may stick out just a bit when fleeing from the place you just robbed.

Usually, I’d think this was a bit funny, but some guy robbed Abe’s Cold Beer in Bethlehem!!!! I’m there like… twice seven times a week!

Bethlehem police said a lone gunman wearing a fake beard Monday night held up Abe’s Cold Beer, a West Bethlehem six- and 12-pack beer seller.

Police said a black man in his late 20s to early 30s, about 5 feet 10 inches tall with a heavy build and wearing a dark blue jacket, jeans, hat and phony beard, followed a clerk into the store’s freezer at 9:52 p.m., racked the slide on a silver pistol and pointed it at the clerk.

The man ordered the clerk to return to the cash register and give him the money, police said. The man ran away with an undisclosed amount of cash. No one was injured and no beer was stolen, police said.

The store is at 1301 W. Broad St.

Police are working to retrieve video images of the alleged robber. Source

What? The 7-11 up the street wasn’t good enough for you? They have all the free money you can shake a shotgun at.

Leave Abe’s alone! That place has like 2,342 types of beer and all anyone ever buys are 12 packs of Miller High Life.

They sell Four Lokos there like HOT CAKES.

Man, I’m thirsty.

But, seriously, Abe’s was open on LABOR DAY. He’s open all the time. You have to respect a place that you KNOW is going to be open pretty much no matter the time you need your fix of Bud Light Lime. Cause, when you need a Bud Light Lime, it’s like no other fix.

Lehigh and Moravian Students Robbed at the Point of Gun

I have a friend who was once robbed for his six pack after strolling out of the Tally Ho one weekend evening. 

South Bethlehem can be a shady, shady place. What sucks about that the most is South Side has been undergoing at least SOME sort of Renaissance what with the First Friday events and other local gatherings such as the Chili Cook Off thing that was totally awesome.

But, those events mostly take place during the day. 

If you’re out after midnight… 

Four college students were robbed at gunpoint around 1 a.m. Sunday near Thomas and Buchanan streets in south Bethlehem,Lehigh University police Chief Ed Shupp said in an e-mail to students and staff.

The victims, a male Lehigh student and three female Moravian College students, were robbed while waiting for a cab about three blocks east of Lehigh’s campus. No one was injured and the only item taken was an iPod, Shupp’s e-mail states.

One robber was described as a 6-foot-2-inch-tall Hispanic man in his mid-20s with a medium build and a chin-strap beard who was wearing jeans and a white T-shirt. The other robber was a 6-foot-2-inch-tall black male in his mid-20s with bushy hair who was wearing jeans and a blue-and-white shirt.

University and city police are investigating. Source

Those are some tall robbers.

Oh, and thank goodness the Lehigh University police are involved, wouldn’t want the Bethlehem Police to have to do all the work themselves. 

Happy post Labor Day!

Summer be over!

Bethlehem Man Escapes City Police, Jumps In River.

But he got caught. Just sayin.

So… this guy was chilling in a bar (would pay to know which one) when parole officers found him and blah blah blah.

Then, on the way back in the police car, he escapes! Keystone Cops ensues! 

A Bethlehem man wanted on state parole charges slipped out of his handcuffs and briefly escaped officers Friday morning by jumping into the Lehigh River, police said.

Shortly before 1 a.m., Jeremy Johnson, 31, was arrested at a Bethlehem bar by state parole and city police officers. When first approached by officers, police said Johnson gave a false name, but was identified by a tattoo on his neck.

Johnson had crack cocaine and marijuana in his pockets, police said, and was handcuffed and put into a cruiser. By the time police arrived at the station, Johnson had somehow slipped out of his cuffs, according to police. When officers opened the cruiser doors, Johnson fled and ran across the Fahy Bridge and down the steps to Sand Island, police said.

Johnson then ran down an embankment and into the river, police said, and officers were able to catch Johnson a short time later. No one was injured during the incident.

Johnson is charged with possession of drugs, resisting arrest, reckless endangerment, false identification to police, possession with the intent to deliver and escape. Police said Johnson is in Northampton County Prison, but his bail was not immediately available. Source

No, really what bar!?!?!??! I wanna know!!!!

Wait, they took him across the Fahy to the station, so that means he was on the South Side, at least we narrowed it down that much.

In any event, as I said, they caught him, which is good because Sand Island already has enough weirdos hanging out down there at night without Houdini playing magic tricks on people.

Off to Labor Day. Peace!

Kids are Back on Campus, Commence Drinking! (Facebook Profile)

This is just the calm before the storm, so I wanted to do a test article to make sure I still had what it took to properly write about drunk college students.

Phew, here it goes.

SO there was this DRUNK Lehigh Student (stop me if you’ve heard this one before)..

….

That was a figure of speech, I didn’t mean actually stop me…

A 20-year-old college student was taken to St. Luke’s Hospital in Fountain Hill early Monday morning after she was found unconscious in a Bethlehem student apartment, according to city police.

Bethlehem police say Emily Flanagan (Facebook Profile), 20, of Chatham, N.J., was found unconscious and intoxicated at 1:13 a.m. Monday in an apartment in the 300 block of East Fifth Street, near Lehigh University. The apartment is part of student housing owned by Fasnacht Property Management, police said.Police did not specify where Flanagan goes to school. (LVwithLOVE Note: She Goes to Lehigh, Class of 2012)

St. Luke’s Hospital did not have a record of Flanagan this morning, a nursing supervisor said. City police charged her with purchasing, consuming or possessing alcohol while being underage. Source

Well, she sobered up and left Dodge.

SUCKS when you get so drunk you pass out THEN they charge you with shit.

I mean the hangover is bad enough.

Well, welcome to campus 2010! So many more to come I cannot wait! Man, without you college kids, I’d have nothing to write about all fall except this stupid Congressional race between Tweedle Kennedy and Tweedle ManCougar.

How’d I do?

Man Beats Another Man With Wiffle Ball Bat Because He Was Underdressed

Um.

Yeah. So, in college, we used to play a lot of wiffle ball, but we’d “cork” the bat with rocks and duct tape and we’d take the wiffle balls and cover them in duct tape, too, so that they would travel really far.

We used the “pitcher’s poison” rule and, I have to admit, looking back on it, I miss it.

I never got severely beat with a wiffle ball bat, however, not that I probably didn’t deserve it?

A Bethlehem man is charged with assault after police said he severely beat another man with a wiffle bat in an argument over underwear.

Hector Morales Jr., 19, was charged Aug. 23 with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment and simple assault in a beating police said happened Aug. 17. Morales’ bail was set at $35,000 and police said he’s in Berks County Prison on unrelated charges.

Police said the victim, Donald Fehr, them he was beaten when he was sitting on his porch in his underwear and Morales told him to put some clothes on.

Seems like a reasonable enough request.

Fehr was beaten so severely, police said, the plastic wiffle bat broke and Fehr suffered a broken jaw, fractured skull and lost several teeth.

Was this Robocop’s wiffle ball bat? Wtf?

According to police:

The assault happened around 4:30 a.m. in the 2100 block of Florence Avenue.

Fehr, whose age was not provided, told police he was sitting on the porch of his home when he was approached by three men.

Police said one of the men, identified as Morales, told Fehr his girlfriend was coming over. Morales said Fehr was “being disrespectful” by sitting on his porch in his underwear and told him to put some clothes on, according to court records.

When Morales told Fehr to get dressed, Fehr refused and said “there was going to be trouble.” Police said when the plastic bat broke during the assault, Morales continued to punch Fehr until he collapsed in a puddle of blood. Source

Who the hell needs Manny Ramirez when you can sign Hector Morales?

OK OK, I see that he also PUNCHED him. I genuinely think a wiffle ball bat would totally collapse after a few well placed swings to someone’s noggin.

I used to hate the kids in the neighborhood who figured out exactly how to throw the wiffle ball curve and you could NEVER hit that freaking thing. HATED that crap.

Bethlehem Police Trying To Sneak Up On You With New Car Paint Scheme

I definitely have a guilty conscience. Every time, EVERY TIME, I see a police car while driving my heart skips a beat.

Sure, there are very obvious reasons for this that we don’t have to go into here, but, cmon, those vehicles are all intimidating and the cops know it.

They are like, “See me? I could send you to jail after pretending that you have a taillight out.”

And, JUST after I got used to the old Bethlehem cop cars, here we go with new ones.

Bethlehem residents can be on the lookout for changes coming to the city’s police cruiser fleet.

Starting today, the police force will start the process of rolling out cars painted in a black-and-white scheme, as opposed to the current white and blue ones.

Deputy Police Commissioner Jason Schiffer said the project will not cost the city any extra money. He said as new cars come into the patrol fleet, they will be readied with the new design. The new scheme, complete with updated decals, costs slightly less than the current design, Schiffer said.

Schiffer said patrol vehicles are replaced every year and the process of completely swapping out the fleet will take two or three years. He said two of the city’s eight replacement cars are nearly finished and one could be out on patrol by tonight.

Schiffer said the police administration mulled the idea of changing the paint scheme and ultimately gave the go-ahead after receiving positive feedback from the force.

The biggest advantage, Schiffer said, is that the black-and-white scheme is recognized throughout the country as a police car and is “an icon in American culture.”

The city’s police cars last received a different design about five years ago. Source

I also heard that municipalities will change the pitch or sound of their ambulance and fire trucks (and maybe cop cars) because the residents get used to them after a period of time and they don’t notice them as much.

Totally true story that I can’t validate.

Wait….. no, can’t find anything on it right now.

Oh, I just got a tattoo over at Outrageous Unlimited Tattoos up in Nazareth with RCN in tow. I’m all dizzy. I need a cookie.

Watch Out For Fake Painters!

I don’t believe that people can STILL get scammed by someone coming to their front door.

I mean, I can see it happening in the past, sure, it was a different world, people sometimes NEEDED to go door to door to sell stuff.

But, now? Screw that, all Granny needs is a credit card and she’s got enough Oxy Clean, Shark Vaccuums and Mighty Putty to last until she’s dead.

Colonial Regional police are warning residents between Bethlehem and Bath to watch for door-to-door hucksters offering to paint their houses. In two cases this week, police said, itinerant painters did substandard work.

“My main concern is to warn senior citizens that if someone comes to your door and you didn’t call them, be very suspicious of them,” Detective Gary Hammer said Thursday. “They may claim to be a local company, but odds are they are not.”

Detective GARY HAMMER? He doesn’t have a reality show, why? 

On Monday, a Hanover Township, Northampton County, resident hired two men in a pickup truck who offered to apply a sealant to the house roof. They worked on the roof, but when it rained Monday afternoon, the “sealant” washed away, Hammer said.

On Thursday, another two-man team in a truck promised to paint a Westgate Park area woman’s house for an agreed-upon price, and they spray-painted the home, he said. Some of the paint spattered on the windows.

REALLY? Some guys come in a pick up truck and say “Hey, do you need your house SPRAY PAINTED and you say “Surely, can you do it in that East Coast Graffiti style?”

“If it doesn’t wash off, she’s going to have to pay for it,” Hammer said.

In both cases this week, police caught up quickly with the house painters, and neither team was paid, so no charges were filed, he said, noting that three of the four men were from Arizona.

Thanks for passing that immigration law, Arizona.

Hammer advised that anyone who is approached by unfamiliar contractors ask to see their local permit to solicit, and if they have no permit, tell them goodbye.

Anyone who has information on suspicious contractors can contact Hammer by calling 610-330-2200 or 610-861-4820. Source

Here’s a prime example, a tip from me: If two guys drive up in a pick up truck, EVEN if they aren’t Mexican, don’t expect Bob Villa inspired work. Seriously.

Speaking of Villa, whatever happened to him?

*Googles*

Apparently not too much.

Mom Who Didn’t Feed Baby Didn’t Show up to Court

Remember Jennifer Bahn, the mom who was like “Oh, babies need to EAT? Shit, I thought you just had to water them.”?

Well, looks like she was supposed to come to court because the state kinda agrees with mother nature that feeding your baby should be a required responsibility of a parent. 

Except, she TOTALLY forgot about that, too.

And her dad is a douche.

A woman charged with assault for the malnutrition of her infant was arrested by deputy sheriffs Wednesday while hiding in her father’s Bethlehem home more than a month after she failed to show in court for the case, according to court records.

Jennifer A. Bahn, 32, was wanted on a bench warrant for failing to appear July 20 on charges related to the “extreme malnutrition” of her infant daughter. A doctor testified that the baby’s condition and poor diet could have led to life-threatening problems.

A county sheriff found Bahn around 1:30 p.m. Wednesday in a locked bedroom in her father’s home at 69 W. Garrison St., according to court records. Bahn’s father, Daniel Lau, is charged with hindering apprehension and obstruction of justice.

According to court records:

Lau told Northampton County Deputy Sheriff George Volpe that he hadn’t seen or spoken to Bahn in three days and repeatedly said she wasn’t inside. As they spoke, Lau stepped out onto the porch and quickly shut the door behind him.

Lau allowed Volpe to search his home, but said he couldn’t open a locked bedroom door at the rear of the home. Lau said the room belonged to Bahn.

After the door was opened, Bahn was found hiding at the end of a bed.

Lau, 59, is free on $30,000 bail. Bahn was sent to Northampton County Prison.

After Bahn didn’t attend the July hearing, charges of aggravated assault, simple assault, reckless endangerment and endangering the welfare of children were sent to Northampton County Court. Police said the infant is in the custody of the Northampton County Children and Youth Division. Source

Hmm, someone seems to think that she doesn’t have to pay for her crimes.

And, wow, I wonder if her dad’s parenting had anything to do with that because I sure as hell know that if my daughter did this I’d be like, OK, time to freakin’ pay for your crimes. I mean, YOU DIDN’T FEED YOUR KID. What other PRESSING items did you have your “To Do” list that day that didn’t include “Keep Baby Alive.”? 

Five Guns Stolen From Bethlehem Home. Oh and a Chair…

I grew up kinda in the sticks. People used guns to kill deer. Then they ate the deer. Kids made deer jerky and sold it at school. Seriously. Guns meant something.

Now, people just get em to get em. I’m totally not a gun person, but understand the idea of personal protection. It just doesn’t seem like guns are ever USED that way, however. More likely than not, this shit happens.

A 61-year-old Bethlehem man returned home from a five-week stay in a hospital to find his side door broken and his five guns stolen, city police said.

Gilson Lebo, who lives in the 1900 block of Kemmerer Street, on Wednesday reported stolen three automatic pistols, one revolver and one hunting rifle. The five guns, all legally registered to Lebo, were kept in his bedroom, police said.

The glass in Lebo’s side door had been punched out, police said. The burglary could have occurred any time in the five weeks Lebo was in the hospital, police said.

Lebo also initially reported an overstuffed chair was stolen from his home, but later told police his daughter had taken it. Source

OH THANK god that we cleared up the overstuffed chair was just taken by his daughter who probably also didn’t steal all the guns…

I’m not sure when a 61 year old man needs THREE automatic pistols… but, hell, what the hell do I know?

Hawthorne House Arson Ruled an Arson

So, remember like a YEAR ago when I said that the owner of the Hawthorne House set fire to his own bar to collect the insurance money?

Well, I’m not going to toot my own horn but.

TOOOOOOOT.

Actually, I’d like it better if I was able to buzz my own vuvuzela. 

So, BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

The owner of the Hawthorne House Bar and Grill in Bethlehem, which was damaged badly in a fire last year, was charged Tuesday with setting the fire himself.

John Margetis, (FACEBOOK PROFILE) 31, of 1912 Hart St., Bethlehem, was arraigned before District Judge Roy Manwaring on two arson charges, both felonies, in the 3 a.m. July 25, 2009, blaze.

In charging Margetis, police investigators said he set the fire in order to avoid mounting financial problems related to the 702 Hawthorne Road tavern, for which he paid $400,000 in 2008.

Days after the fire, which started in a second-floor office, city Fire Marshal Robert Novatnack ruled it an arson. He estimated the damage at $250,000.

wo people lived in second-floor apartments, but no one was injured.

Margetis was released on $100,000 bail. Source

TOOOOT.

Whatever, debt sucks and I can understand that this guy probably just wanted to cut his losses… which isn’t an excuse as much as a reason. But, fuck man, people LIVED in there? That’s not cool. I seem to remember it being said that he made sure they were out or something, but still. This was a pretty obvious arson from the get go.

The thing that sucks is that Hawthorne was a nice Bethlehem gem, away from the main drag of bars and restaurants but just close enough that it was a downtown alternative.

Hopefully, someone has enough financial wiggle room to get this place up and running again.

Hookah Hot Heads Fly Off the Handle

*CORRECTION: THE INITIAL REPORT LISTED THE HOOKAH LOUNGE AS “ESSENCE HOOKAH LOUNGE” BUT, IT WAS NOT. THIS ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE AT SULTAN HOOKAH LOUNGE. SORRY TO ESSENCE, CHECK THEM OUT ON FACEBOOK. DON’T SMOKE THE MESSENGER.

Oh, Hookah Lounges, how quickly you have become a part of our communities. But, see, there are different types of these smokey dives. You have the seriously laid back Hookah Turka on the north side of Bethlehem, and you have the not so laid back Essence Hookah Lounge on the south side.

I tried hookah for awhile and totally dug it, but, maybe not enough to keep going week in and week out. However, it’s always still an option on a late weekend night depending on the situation and.. such.

However, as much as I want to mix my hookah smoking with NYC inspired night club bullshit, I am not going to be walking into Essence anytime soon. 

Exhibit A…

Bethlehem police said a dispute over a bill for bowls of tobacco at the South Side’s hookah lounge led to a tussle with a clerk, who was punched in the face.

The clerk, Simon Sidhom, 20, was not seriously injured in the dispute that happened around 3:48 a.m. at Essence Hookah Lounge, 3 E. Third St., police said. SULTAN HOOKAH LOUNGE.

While police said three men were involved in the alleged assault, Sidhom was not able to provide many details. Police are still investigating.

According to police:

Sidhom said the group of three men and two women disputed a $23 bill, claiming they had only smoked one bowl of tobacco, not two.

As the men argued with Sidhom, a hookah pipe was knocked off the table and damaged.

Police said one of the men punched Sidhom in the face and then left the shop. The two women paid the $23 bill before leaving.

Police could provide no details about Sidhom’s injuries or a damage estimate for the broken pipe. Source

PUNCH the employee? Leave it to your women friends to pick up the tab?

SULTAN LOUNGE? Johnny come lately….

Hookah is on a slippery edge…. but it’s still a somewhat positive cultural influence. Let’s see how the next few months progress.

Also, I like popsicles in the shape of handguns. Just sayin.

Old Man Strikes Old Flagman in Bethlehem Township

I love when someone is so impatient that they NEED to get JUST in front of YOU so that they can be ONE car length ahead of you in traffic.

That .5 seconds is really going to matter to them when they get home and they have that much more time to get fatter.

Seriously, unless you or your wife is giving birth or you cut your penis off and you have it on ice, RELAX.

I understand, we get emotional when we drive. It’s anonymous, pretty much. I mean, what’s worse than cutting off a car whose driver you can’t see only to get stuck at the next red light with them; embarrassed because you can now see their face?

A man, who Tuesday morning tried to drive his white van through a Bethlehem Township, Pa., construction site,  struck a flagman on a road crew painting lines on the highway, police said. 

The driver attempted to flee from the wreck in front of the new First Commonwealth Federal Credit Union at William Penn Highway and Bethman Road, according to police and a witness who said she and two others jumped in front of the van to stop it.

Township police Chief Dan Pancoast said the driver, Thomas Catanzaro, 66, of the 400 block of First Avenue in Bethlehem, became frustrated at the wait and asked the flagman to move orange traffic cones so he could leave. 

“The flagman told him to be patient,” Pancoast said, “but he tried to leave, striking the flagman and knocking him to the ground, then he tried to flee.”

Pancoast identified the victim as 62-year-old Randolph Pfaff, of Allentown. He was taken to St. Luke’s Hospital in Fountain Hill.

The chief said Catanzaro will be charged with leaving the scene of an accident involving an injury. Reached by phone Tuesday afternoon, Catanzaro declined to comment on the incident. Source

Yeah, that’s the real picture up there.

SERIOUSLY, where is a 66 year old man in a hurry to get to? His funeral? Chill out. 

I mean, sure, there is no guarantee that the sun is going to rise tomorrow, or that your BINGO game is going to start early, but at least realize that nothing is important as a life…

Old people…. can’t live with em, they can’t live without Ensure.

Musikfest is Over. Resume Sad Life.

Musikfest is over and I feel like crap. It’s part postpartum depression and part “I’m REALLY hung over.”

So, in an effort to encapsulate all the fun that went down this past week, here are some things you may have missed…

• 77 people were arrested during the 10-day festival, the most coming on Friday the 13th when 15 people were cited.

None of them was named Jason Vorhees.

• 48 of the arrests were of people under age 21, most of those for underage drinking. Police arrested 60 adults and 17 juveniles.

• Bethlehem residents accounted for 29 of the 77 alleged lawbreakers, and nine people from outside of the area were cited. Wrongdoers came from New Jersey (five), Pennsylvania (70), California (one) and New York (one).

Freaking Californians.

• 68 percent of arrests involved over-consumption of alcohol.

Is there such a thing as “over consumption?” Cmon.

• One arrest involved a man carrying an accordion.

• No horses or other police officers were assaulted.

Hmmm, I wonder why?

• One person was cited for having marijuana at Riverplatz.

Couldn’t have been during the Sublime concert, could it?

• “Puberty Platz,” better known the rest of the year as Main Street, remained the hub of arrest activity: 60 arrests, or 78 percent, were made on Main Street or at an intersection with Main Street. Source

Another lesson for the kids… don’t get drunk, illegally no less, in the place where there are the most police. 

I’m just sayin.

Ok, off to ring out my liver.

What to do During Musikfest 2010’s Final Weekend

So, we’re almost at the end of Musikfest 2010. If you’re a college student, you’re getting ready to go back to getting fat and rushing crappy frats. If you’re a high schooler, you’re getting ready to go back and form a new clique based on your awful fashion sense. If you’re an adult, you’re probably unemployed, so who cares?

That being said, even if you’ve fested all week, there are still some fun things left to do. Oh, and you still have time to complete the LVwithLOVE Challenge. One nice girl is in the lead with 99 points. (Which is seriously ridiculous).

Check out all the Platzes and which one is best for you here.

You can download the map of the whole musikfest party thing event here.

Let me tell you about them.

1. LVwithLOVE Show at Musikfest!: Well, obviously, I have to plug the LVwithLOVE concert that is going on tonight!

When: 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. Friday Aug. 13 at Rock N Joe Coffee Lounge and Eats at 1 W. Broad Street. (Bank of America Building across from Joe’s Tavern.)

Why you should go: Because I said so.

2. Igor & Red Elvises: One of the more interesting Musikfest bands, The Red Elvises blend Russian music with surf rock? Yep. They do. 

When and Where: 9 p.m. to 11 p.m. Friday Aug. 13 at Volksplatz

Why you should go: Because the owner of Blackforest Deli is going to be in attendance and she is Russian. Also, because it’s definitely a type of music that you don’t hear every day and it’s good to get out of your comfort zone once in awhile because, you’re “zone” probably has shitty music cluttering up the walls.

3. Start Making Sense: Talking Head Tribute Band: A Bethlehem-based tribute band covers the Talking Heads.

When and Where: 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.Saturday Aug. 14 at America Platz

Why you should go: Because the Talking Heads became almost a too quickly forgotten great “Artschool Band” from the 1980s and… BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE.

4. Zen for Primates: Another Bethlehem-based band that has been around for probably longer than I have.

When and Where: 9 p.m. to 11 p.m. at VolksPlatz

Why you should go: Because of their description: “It’s always a cabaret whenever they show up with their unique sound. With the mysterious T. Roth on vocals, stories, bells, whistles, and the contents of his fish fronting complex and tight musical weavings from Mike Krisukas on guitar, Jodi Beder on cello, Shelagh Maloney on (don’t call it a fiddle) violin, and “Saxman” Pete Fluck on reeds of all sorts, sometimes several at a time, and with frequent participation on the part of the audience, Zen for Primates is not just music, it is a Show.”

Did I miss some? Sure I did, and, honestly, even if you just wander around during the next few days you’re still going to have a good time. 

Just don’t walk under any ladders or anything tonight, it is Friday the 13th after all.

Bethlehem Horse Police Interview Selena Gomez

After all the hooplah surrounding the Bethlehem Horse Police starting their own twitter account (and horsing around on it and getting us in trouble and getting on the news), we figured it’d be good for them to maybe get more involved with the community. So we asked them what we could do and they said they wanted to interview Selena Gomez, who is playing Musikfest this Saturday.

If you don’t know who Selena Gomez is, don’t worry, no one cares.

Think Miley Cyrus if Miley Cyrus was spliced with JLo at age 14. Or something.

 HEY NEEEEEIGHHHBORS! It’s your friendly NEEEIGhborhood horse cop and I am here to clear the air. I’m a nice stallion, seriously. And, to prove this, I’m going to interview Selena… Gomez or whatever about…. stuff. So, HEY SELENA thanks for sitting down with me!

 Um. Sure. So… that’s one hell of a big keyboard you have there.

 Isn’t it? It took us like three months to get the proper sized keys that could…

 I was kidding. I actually don’t give a shit.

 Ok. Then. Um. So, it says here in my notes *fixes glasses* that you used to be on Barney and Friends and then were on some other Disney Show, how did that all work out for you?

 Obviously pretty fucking good. Have you not seen me like, EVERYWHERE? Seriously. I don’t even know who you are. I’m on TV all the time.

 Hey there little lady! Hold your horses. We were on the news this week and even assisted in an arrest after some guy threw a bottle of water over the bridge during Musikfest.

 *yawn* Well, color me impressed. I know Zack Effron. In fact, I may or may not have sent him naked pictures of myself.

 Oh, don’t even start. That wasn’t you. That was Vanessa Hudgens you 17 year old hack. HEY, wait a minute here, YOU’RE 18 YEARS OLD?

 What the fuck does it matter to you?

 Well, let’s see, you’re playing music for little kids and preteens and you’re acting like this awesomely childlike person when, in fact, you’re now an adult. You’re a fake. I think I’m going to stomp out your guts now and chew on your soul like it was a carrot.

 AHHHHHGadsfasdfsda sd *dead*

(Editors note: Oh shit.)