Note To Parents: Keep the Guns and Video Games Separate

Remember when they used to be like “OMG, Grand Theft Auto is going to turn all the kids into thugs!!!” ? Well, it didn’t. I mean, it’s a pretty healthy and cathartic way to get out energy, I think. I mean, if you can kill someone in pretend life, you probably wouldn’t be so apt to do it in real life, right? Just my thought.

Anyway, remember when they also said not to keep loaded weapons next to video games because kids could be looking for the video games and instead find a gun and kill themselves?

No? Well, that’s because it’s SO FUCKING OBVIOUS NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO SAY IT!

Jose Alvarado put a loaded handgun in a backpack that held his 8-year-old son’s video games, authorities say.

The next day, little Jose Alvarado found the gun and shot himself in the chest in the bathroom of his family’s Allentown home, the authorities say. He died within the hour.

On Wednesday, Jose’s father was charged with involuntary manslaughter and related crimes in the Jan. 8 accident that Lehigh County’s top prosecutor called ”preventable.”

”As a father, Mr. Alvarado violated a duty of care and placed his young son in harm’s way,” District Attorney James B. Martin said. ”Leaving a loaded gun in a child’s backpack that contains the child’s games is inviting trouble. The father may as well have left it in the child’s toy chest.”

Alvarado, 26, was arraigned by District Judge Patricia Engler and sent to Lehigh County Prison under $2 million bail.

According to an arrest affidavit:

Allentown police were dispatched to a 911 call at 8:08 a.m. Jan. 8 for a shooting at 1124 Allen St., the Alvarados’ home. The boy’s two brothers, ages 2 and 5, and his parents had heard the gun go off and found him in the second-floor bathroom.

Jose was pronounced dead at 8:58 a.m. at Lehigh Valley Hospital-Cedar Crest. The Lehigh County coroner’s office ruled his death an accident.

Police found a small backpack in a pool of blood where the boy had been. The pack, which was open, contained five video games and movies. Police searched the home and found another loaded magazine for the 9 mm semiautomatic handgun and a plastic soda bottle that contained a hidden compartment for cocaine. Source

The police failed to mention that the bag also contained Alvarado’s “Father of the Year” award.

Seriously dude? Fuck you. This guy should feel lucky this is all he is getting charged with. Sadly, I bet him living the rest of his life with this shit on his shoulders won’t weigh too heavily on his mind,  you know, in between getting new guns and doing cocaine.

Chucky Cullen Serial Killer’s Ugly Mug Brought Back Up.

So, you’re familiar with Charles Cullen, AKA The Angel of Death? Probably the only other serial killer who operated in this area besides Harvey Robinson.

Ok, so Cullen killed tons of people (nearly 30 or so) by injecting them with shit when he worked as a nurse. For more reading on Cullen, hit up here.

I don’t know why I’ve always been fascinated with serial killers. I mean, I don’t think it makes me a weird dude, I just find the whole … business of being a serial killer totally just… alien and weird. I mean, these people are living normal lives, getting up, going to work, killing some people, heading home and cooking dinner and going to bed.

There are some people who may have witnessed someone get hit by a car when they were like 4 and they still can’t sleep at night due to bad dreams by the time they reach adulthood, and there are those who can dismember people and go to work the next day as if nothing happened.

Just truly amazing in my book…

Anyway, even though Cullen is serving life in New Jersey for his crimes, Allentown is going to try and give him more time. Now, I understand that he should be held responsible and all that, but he’s already in for life, is this just a waste of taxpayer’s money? This is a civil trial, so maybe I don’t understand the law that great… blah blah blah blah blah

The Lehigh County trial of Charles Cullen will start Tuesday morning in Allentown after the jury was selected today.

Six men, six women and two alternates were selected before lunch. Court adjourned for the day and testimony will begin at 9:30 a.m.

Witnesses are expected to include David Fowler, a forensic pathologist and victims’ family members.

Cullen was not in the courtroom, nor is he expected to attend the trial; Judge Edward Reibman said Cullen opted not to participate in the civil trial brought against him by eight families.

Cullen, a former nurse who spent 16 years working at hospitals in the Lehigh Valley and northern New Jersey, confessed to killing 29 patients and trying to kill six more. He is serving life sentences in New Jersey for those crimes.

Cullen gave critically ill hospital patients lethal doses of medicinal cocktails.

Two potential jurors said they had direct connections to Cullen. A man said he worked at St. Luke’s and Easton hospitals and knew Cullen. A woman, a nurse, said she worked at one of the same facilities as Cullen.

The potential jurors were asked if they read or saw media coverage of Cullen’s cases and if they knew people involved in the case.

The group of 48 people was also asked if they agreed with artificial caps on civil case damages. The jury will determine what amount, if any, Cullen owes to the families suing him.

The suits heading to trial were filed by: Robert Bohning, Clarence Fish, Joseph Gostony, Jacqueline Mock, Victor Muschlitz, Steven Shachter, Sharon DeAngelis and Joaquim Vicoso. 

Most of the plaintiffs are family members of patients who died at St. Luke’s Hospital; most also have ties to the Lehigh Valley. Source

I guess you kinda have to put yourself in the shoes of the families, however. I mean, fuck this guy, I’d want his family to have to pay me a ton of money, too. SO fucked up. I tell ya, you can’t trust anyone. One time I had to get a cardiogram at my doctor’s office and the nurse was like “take off your top” and I was like, “you first.”

Remember Zach and Adriana? F*#% Them! They Totally Broke up!

So, do you remember Zach Heffelfinger and Adriana Nikles? Remember??? The high school couple from Emmaus last year that was going to BE IN LOVE forevers?!??!!

RECAP:

As students streamed out of Allentown’s Central Catholic High School at dismissal today, girls shrieked and giggled when they spotted Emmaus High School junior Zach Heffelfinger. He was holding a dozen roses in each hand.

In between was a huge, hand-made sign: “Adriana Nikles, will you go to the prom with me?”

By the time the object of his affection stepped out of the door, a contingent of grinning students were milling around 17-year-old Zach.

One look at the sign, and all sophomore Adriana could do was throw her arms around Zach’s neck and say “Yes, I will.” Zach’s romantic surprise began earlier in the day when he got Adriana’s friends to plant puzzle pieces around the school fit to form the word “PROM?” Source

Awww! They are going to be in LOVE FOREVER.

No, it didn’t even last another fucking year.

Just so you know. Here is Zach’s current Facebook page where is apparently now into dudes.

And here is Adriana’s.

They aren’t on each other’s friends’ lists kids.

What have we learned here? Don’t waste money on women unless they are pregnant with your kid.

Thank you, move on.

If you have any information on what went down and why Zach is now hugging guys, please e-mail me at lehighvalleywithlove@gmail.com

Thanks to my buddy Greg for bringing this to my attention.

Allentown Bans Cell Phone Use While On Skateboards, Bikes and In-Line Skates…. (um?)

So, Allentown banned the use of cell phones while driving… Wow, wait, is this a “progressive” Allentown City Council measure? I’m golf clapping. (Is golf clapping still funny? Let’s pretend it is, just one more time.)

I’m kinda astounded. This is a great move, it’s the right move and I hope that they enforce it starting 10 days from now when it goes into effect.

Holy crap, Allentown did something great and .. wait a fucking minute, you can’t use your cell phone when you’re on the halfpipe….? what?

Allentown council members have voted unanimously to ban people from using hand-held cell phones and similar devices to phone, text or browse while driving, the Associated Press says, based on reporting by the Morning Call.

The measure, approved 7-0, would go into effect 10 days after a signature by Mayor Ed Pawlowski, who supports the bill. Offenders could be fined $150 to $300, and a violation would be a primary traffic offense, meaning police could use it as a reason to pull over a motorist.

Skateboards, inline skaters and bicyclists would also be barred from using cell phones while riding.

Exceptions would be made in cases of emergency, and hands-free devices would be exempt.

Philadelphia, Erie and Harrisburg have passed similar bans. Source

Soooo…you can’t use your cell phone and ride your bicycle? Ok, ok, I can get how this could be a dangerous thing, but.. do you see this often?

Skateboards, in-line skates? Wtf. What is exempt from this? What about unicycles. Can I use my cell phone while riding my unicycle? Big Wheel? POGO STICK? I need to know this shit because I never know how I’m going to be riding dirty when I get into this city….

Allentown Wants To Ban Talking on Cell Phone While Driving

Remember when Bethlehem was going to ban texting and driving, but then everyone forgot about it? Well, now Allentown wants to band talking on your hand held phone and driving.

Good idea? Great fucking idea, actually. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve seen people doing something stupid in their car, like running a red light, or taking a turn to wide, or not signaling and then I pass them and flip them off and spit on their car and lo and behold they are talking on their cell phones…

I can’t say I have never done this. I generally like to listen to AM radio and would much rather text at a stop light than take a call. I can understand how you might HAVE to take a call if you’re going somewhere long distance, but, for the most part, fucking pull over or something.

As great as this sounds, I don’t see it happening because, as the people go on to say, it’s nearly impossible to enforce.

Allentown leaders are set to join the legally murky debate over whether cities should bar drivers from using cell phones.

Councilman Mike Schlossberg and Mayor Ed Pawlowskischeduled a press conference for this morning to announce their proposal for a ban. They’re expected to be joined by Jacy Good, aMuhlenberg College alumna who’s become a high-profile proponent of outlawing the use of hand-held cell phones by drivers.

Good was critically injured and her parents were killed when their station wagon was involved in a three-vehicle wreck caused by another driver using a cell phone. That driver was cited for failing to obey a traffic signal but faced no major criminal charges. The 2008 crash in Berks County happened hours after Good graduated from the Allentown college.

It was unclear Tuesday exactly how sweeping a measure Schlossberg and Pawlowski will propose today and whether they think their proposal could survive possible legal challenges. While other cities have passed such laws, an upper Bucks County township saw its ban overturned by a judge.

Schlossberg did not return a message Tuesday, and city spokesman Mike Moore said neither the mayor nor the councilman wanted to discuss the proposed law until today.

Questions about how safe it is to use a cell phone while driving have been around for years. The state Department of Transportation reported that the use of hand-held cell phones contributed to 1,049 accidents statewide in 2008, including eight fatalities. Hands-free cell phone use contributed to 50 crashes and no deaths. Source

I just don’t see how enforcement can really be accomplished. Sure, if a cop sees you on your phone, you’re PHUCKED (get it? hahahah) but, no one will really listen to it until something huge happens, like some other person getting really hurt and by that time we’re all going to have the Jupiter Jack in our fucking cars anyway so this article is pointless.

Wow No News is Good News? Also, Lingerie Party!

So, there isn’t much going on this week besides the Snowpocalypse and while that’s a good thing, it’s also not much fun.

In other news, I got a comment from a guy at curtwthomas23@yahoo.com telling me that I was not funny and I agree with him. Therefore, I will never make a joke again. Starting now.

The chair thing bother me as well; however, that’s not the reason I’m commenting.

I get the sense in reading all the posts on this blog that the author thinks he is really funny.  Hysterically funny.  And I’m sure that he looks in the mirror and chuckles thinking about his latest zingers.  But the reality is that he really isn’t.  This site isn’t funny at all.

If you could provide a lengthy rant on people who think they’re funny but aren’t, that’d be a watershed moment for this site.

Man, that guy knows what’s up! I mean, he’s got all that knowledge and knows where to put it. Good for you curt! I’m proud!

So, instead of talking about anything going on, since nothing really is, I will just give you a tip on what to do this weekend if you’re having cabin fever.

You should totally go to this:

Diamond Girls and Silk Lounge Present
The Lehigh Valley’s Premiere Valentine Event
“Feeling NAUGHTY Flirt Fest” an Upscale Lingerie Mixer - 9pm-2am

Featuring…
The Diamond Girls and Supermodel & Actress Anne Reiss

Party with Valley’s sexiest women – The Diamond Girls – in Silk Lounge at the Allentown Brew Works.

Ladies – $150.00 CASH PRIZE for the “naughtiest” lingerie! Guys – Win a date with the Diamond Girl of your choice!

COME DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY TO THE BEATS OF DJ LEXUS ! GOGO Dancers!

Win a 4-night trip-for-two to Cancun, Mexico: Condo and Airfare paid for by the Diamond Girls!

Have your photos taken with our sexy Diamond Girls! (Photography by CONNOR PORTRAITS)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY 4QE !  FREE PHOTO SHOOT FOR ALL LADIES IN YOUR LINGERIE!

BIG SCREEN WITH NOTHING BUT THE HOTTEST LADIES!

SLUMBER PARTIES BY KATIE G !! Source

I’m not typically the type of person who would think one of these events would be entertaining, however, if you’re been cooped up all week by a wall of snow, I would assume that any sort of social interaction would be a good thing.

Lord Knows Curt could use it. Why all the hate?

The Most Famous People Who Live in the Lehigh Valley

So, the Lehigh Valley is a nice place. If you don’t live in the middle of Easton or Allentown, it’s a good place to raise a family and send them to school. It’s a nice place to go to college. You can even make some money here depending on what you do.

There isn’t much of an entertaining nightlife unless you REALLY enjoy just getting wasted or going to strip clubs that are stocked with heroin addicts.

HOWEVER, regardless of any pitfalls, the Lehigh Valley still is home to some famous people.. and by home I mean, they live here currently and not in L.A. or NYC or Tulsa.

See, Johnathan Taylor Thomas (or JAY T T as I call him) over there was BORN here, but he doesn’t live here anymore.

Fame Factor will be counted in hearts with four hearts meaning that they are super duper famous in the Lehigh Valley and everywhere else and one meaning that they are only famous in the Lehigh Valley.

So, I guess this is in no particular order let’s start with….

Tom Ring

Relatively new on the “I know THAT GUY” fame, Ring does something at Brown Daub Kia. What he’s famous for, however, is being a general oddball who pops up on your radio station every FIFTEEN seconds saying “Everybody Drives.”

This guy is just freakin’ EVERYWHERE. He has absolutely no shame (good thing.) And, to be honest, I think he’s great. Heprobably sells a boatload of cars and gets to act like a moron while doing it.

He also gets to go to work and be like “So, I was thinking of a new ad campaign. If you can’t get a car here I’m going to tell people I’ll kiss their mother-in-law!!! Get it?!?!? NO ONE LIKES THEIR MOTHER-IN-LAW HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!

He also gets to scream and yell a ton.

Fame Factor: 1 Heart. Yeah, he’s everywhere, but it’s only in the valley.

Ed Hanna

WFMZ Channel 69’s (really? 69? ugh) perennial happy dude who makes you actually enjoy watching the weather. I don’t know if it’s because he resembles a really large teddy bear or that he just doesn’t seem to have a malicious bone in his body, but he just seems like someone you’d want to be around.

He’s probably a mean drunk, though… I’m just guessing. No one can be THAT happy and perky all the time and not have some sort of inner demon.

Hope your arm heals up, Ed!

Fame Factor: 1  I’m sure that he’s known in the meteorology “circles” outside of the area, but if he stepped foot in Lancaster no one would look at him twice. However, if I saw him at Wegman’s I’d totally flip out!

John Callahan

Bethlehem’s Mayor and congressional hopeful (against Charlie Dent who, arguably is more “famous” than Callahan, but he’s a bit more boring so i didn’t list him), Callahan has brought Bethlehem back! Well, his predecessor Don Cunningham did his share too, but Callahan had his hands in the Casino and tons of money coming into the city, which is good for property owners.

His boyish good looks and frequent rumors about his womanizing make him an awesome mayor because you can either love this guy or love to hate him because he made out with your girlfriend in the bathroom at the Apollo Grille.

He’s also well-known as Johnny Casino!

I like Johnny Casino much more than boring John Callahan, don’t you?

I’m not saying, I’m jussayin.

Fame Factor: 2 Hearts.  Definitely known outside of the area, but more in the political realm. Not many people in Gettysburg, Pa. even know where Bethlehem, Pa. is, but man, he’s just sooooooo gooood looooking.

I love seeing him out and about, too. Makes me feel like I’m helping out my city or something.. I dunno.

Chuck Bednarik

Old crotchety Bednarik lives in Coopersburg and kinda hates the Philadelphia Eagles even though he’s the most famous Eagle if (you’re over the age of 65) that ever lived.

I’m sure that Chuck spends his time just basically being a dick. I mean, I would. He’s from that generation. You’re SUPPOSED to drink a lot of whiskey and watch as your wife makes you ham sandwhiches and hit your kids. I’m not saying he does any of these things, but  he should. Also, I bet he was a kick ass / awful dad. Like, you know he had to be hard on his kids being that he was basically a gladiator and played with broken bones and shit all the time…. but then he probably would beat the hell out of your for anything “pussy like” you did like not beat up everyone in school or something…

Fame Factor: 3 Hearts.  Unless you know football, you don’t know Bednarik. But, if you do know football, then you know Bednarik. You do the math.

Mario / Michael / The Young one Andretti

O heeerrre we go. Now we’re talking about the big boys. I’ve already written about the day that Mario Andretti tried to kill me, so I won’t go over it, but yeah, I kinda hold a grudge against this dude. He seems so fucking smug. So what, you can drive a fucking car! CAN YOU RIDE A POGO STICK? Didn’t think so Mario, didn’t think so. Go save the princess…

Anyway, the Andrettis, including the young dude who currently drives who I couldn’t care less about until he wins The Indy 500, are world known and MAYBE deserving of being the most famous people currently living in the Valley (albeit probably not full time.)

What a life this guy has. Think about it. He gets to drive fast cars, wins shit, gets tons of money, probably gets a banging hot girl, has some kids, retires and now gets to ride around on four wheelers all day.

What would he have done if Ford didn’t create the T-Model? Hmmmm???? Then what Mario? WHAT WOULD YOU BE NOW?

Fame Factor:4 Hearts. I would say they probably peaked in the 1980s with EVERYONE knowing the name “Andretti,” but I would hasten to say that their fame has waned in recent years, most people probably still know the name, but I wonder if they could put it to a face?

Larry Holmes

Ohhhhh Larry Holmes. Now this guy. This guy? He’s just the guy. Fights for the World Heavyweight Championship of the world and trains in EASTON, PA!!! Stays in Easton, Pa after making bazillions of dollars!!! He fought Muhammad Ali, no, he BEAT MUHAMMAD ALI, and he decided to STAY IN EASTON, PA.

That’s like Derek Jeter living in Fort Indiantown Gap and traveling to NYC just to play games. I mean…

Easton? You have to get skill points just for living there. Holmes was immediately better than every opponent just because his body was so used to drinking Easton water and breathing Easton air. As soon as he was somewhere non-toxic, like Africa, he would be like Superman under Earth’s bright yellow sun!!!!

Holmes has a nice house in Palmer, I think that’s where it is, I’ve seen it. It’s like a compound. But, to his credit, he’s given tons of money to the city and has donated to youths and blah blah blah. I just want him to have a George Foreman Grill or something.

The Larry Holmes Easton, Pa Bullet-Proof Vest.

Fame Factor:4 Hearts.  I don’t care if 14 year old girls don’t know who Larry Holmes is. If you can still wear purple suits in public and no one 1. makes fun of you or 2. tells you that maybe you shouldn’t do that, then you are awesome in my book.

Anyone I missed? Feel free to comment. Remember, they have to LIVE here NOW.

***UPDATE Darryl Dawkins!!!

So, this was up for like 10 seconds before I started getting ripped for not putting Darryl Dawkins on the list. Well, I just wasn’t sure if he still lived here or if he moved or whatever.

Apparently, “Chocolate Thunder” is now the coach of the esteemed LCCC Basketball Team, which is probably the best coaching job a former NBA star could ever hope to want.

Besides that, this is a giant man and I met him once, actually. No, that is not me in the picture, it’s my buddy who went there to take photos and Dawkins almost mistook him for an M&M and ate him…

Anyway, I was covering an event at an elementary school where he came in and played the entire school of kids in a game of basketball. Was pretty glorious!

DARRYL! If you read this, totally e-mail me cause I WOULD LOVE to go out on the town with you one night. PLEASE? I’ll donate money to charity!

So LiveNation and Bethlehem, Pa = Musical Acts?

I hate this issue if only because it gets my hopes up.

Apparently there is “talk” of LiveNation coming in to the Bethlehem Steel Works area and making some sort of “entertainment mecca” whatever that racist fuck that means.

LiveNation = Good, owns the TLA in Philly.

Idea of national/regional entertainment selling = who the fuck knows at this point….

Owners of the struggling Steel Ice Center skating rink want to build a 20,000-25,000-square-foot events center that would help transform the former Bethlehem Steel property into a regional entertainment mecca.

On the same 126 acres of old Steel land occupied by the Sands casino complex and ArtsQuest’s under-construction performing arts center, the project would help solidify south Bethlehem as a strong entertainment destination, said Tony Hanna, the city’s director of community and economic development.

”This wouldn’t be a singular events center in the middle of 50 acres of abandoned industrial real estate,” Hanna said. ”It would be surrounded by activity and other productive uses. It’s just like restaurant row. Can you have too many restaurants on restaurant row?”

City officials are hoping to bring Sands, ArtsQuest and Steel Ice officials to the table in the next couple of weeks to ensure that the three venues are teammates rather than competitors.

If the deal comes together, the expanded Steel Ice Center would join with LiveNation, one of the country’s largest concert promoting companies, to book acts at the future events center at 320 E. First St.

Steel Ice Center partners Gerald Deifer Jr. and Jeff Trainer of Allentown-based Trainer Enterprises would not discuss details of the project but Hanna said early discussions indicate the space would be used for smaller performances, meetings and special events.

”In regards to the events center project, we’re just not ready to talk about specifics yet,” Deifer said. ”We’re still in negotiations. Maybe later.”

LiveNation spokesman Jim Sutcliffe said the company is open to ”any viable options to program live entertainment” in the area. Source

Like the Iron Pigs ONCE were, a national or regional Lehigh Valley entertainment venue seems like a good idea that just isn’t going to happen. However, I look at it like this…. there is no reason why you couldn’t pull in the national to regional acts if you are able to fill the seats. And, if you’re bringing in the right shows, ones that are going to actually fill the seats with college to mid 30s aged people, then you’re going to do well.

If you’re bringing in the Doobie Brothers, then don’t fucking bother.

Acts that are already traveling from NYC to Philly or vice versa could easily be swayed into stopping in the Valley for the night and making more money.

So, fucking pour the money into this LiveNation and make it happen.

Who’s that up top? Oh, only The Dresden Dolls….

A Saturday of Terror at Aladdin and Brew Works (And Swords and Drunken Men)

I’m not sure if there is going to be a police report filed on this event since I don’t know if this dude was arrested, but, I’m going to tell the story anyway.

So, on Saturday I went out with a few friends for a going away party for a friend of mine who is going to Costa Rica for a few months to scuba dive and basically be a bum. We went to the Aladdin in Allentown which, while small, is full of ladies giving belly dances and some pretty interesting atmosphere.

At one point the super hot 40-year-old belly dancer (with a body that would make Angelina Jolie slit her wrists) put a sword on her head. So, my buddy is coming out of the bathroom at this time and in-between his path from the bathroom to our tables in the back is the lady with the sword on her head. Keep in mind that she has been dancing with patrons all night. He wanted no part of this and tried to get by her.

No dice. Sword lady stepped to the left. He stepped to the right. Sword lady matched his move. So, apparently he said fuck it and started to do some awful variation of “The Carlton” before getting back to our table.

Then five people proceeded to suck the helium out of seven entire balloons and recite poetry.

The table behind us was not amused, but our server was hot.

Shit, the story hasn’t even started yet.

So, everyone is really drunk but we decided that we still needed to head out and Bethlehem Brew Works seemed like a good spot that could accommodate the 15 or so super ethnically blended group that we were.

We get there and everything’s fine. Night gets longer and people end up leaving so a friend of mine and I start up a game of pool.

We were playing with some guys who were basic Brew Works dudes.. suits too big for them, loosened neck ties. Some guy named Raj REPEATEDLY kept asking me to bet “Five Large” on the game until I told him that if I wanted to gamble I’d go to the Sands and I’d much rather gamble on how many times he gets laid in a month with an over under of .5 (hands not included.)

Now, at this time, some other guy is in the process of getting booted from the bar. It seemed like a pretty easy boot. He didn’t seem to be putting up much of a fight. So, the guy turns around and starts heading to the door and MUST have said something because the bouncer grabs him from behind and puts him in some “bouncer lock” that they teach you at bouncer school and basically picks him up, takes him to the main doors of Steelgaarden and THROWS him out the doors. THROWS The guy as if he was a piece of poo poo.

Bouncer then shuts the door and we think, “Eh, I’m going to try and put the nine in the top right.”

But, NooOOooOO the guy, who at this point was down on the ground outside Steelgaarden (but still inside Main Street Commons) takes offense to getting chucked outside and bum rushes the door at full feral ferret speed, punching and kicking at the plate glass all while screaming in tongues.

The guy backs off and it looks like he’s leaving while heading down the hall. The bouncer then opens the door up and says something and dude starts charging back like Carl Lewis on Meth and LEAPS off his feet just before the bouncer shuts the door and the guy crushes into it, smacking the glass with his feet only to land on his back.

This banter of screaming and punching goes on for a good ten minutes. The guy even tried to get in the back door but was cut off at the pass by a team of security personnel.

Apparently they called the cops as the guy ran across the bridge on Broad Street.

I ended up sinking the nine ball.

The HORSE Started the Fight, Judge.

Wow, so after talking with Owasso, Oklahoma city council members for the last freaking two hours via e-mail regarding their upcoming litigation against the city of Allentown I was FINALLY able to get to this post. Thank god.

So, I had this girlfriend in high school who rode horses all the time and I was like “Gay, a horse is just a unicorn without a horn…” Anyway, I always wondered why she was so fucking into riding her horse all the damn time and would go to the stupid smelly stable all the damn time when I wanted to hang out and watch movies with Jennifer Lopez in them and whatever.

Then one day I was watching her ride the horse around in some indoor horse arena or whatever you call it and I figured it out.

And I was like, “WHAT. THE. FUCK?”

Anyway…

Remember the guys who fought a horse at Musikfest? Well, they are saying the horse started it first.

A Bethlehem Township man whose push of a police horse at Musikfesttouched off a melee that ended with police hitting his brother with a stun gun, said he’s got an explanation.

He says the horse started it.

Attorneys for Andrew Mutchler, 22, of Hecktown Road, said Mutchler meant no harm to the police horse named “Flash” while Bethlehem police tried to clear Musikfest Aug. 1, but the massive animal stepped on his foot, so he had to push him.

Mutchler’s push of the horse, as police cleared Main Street, touched off a melee in which his brother, Matthew, jumped into the fracas and got hit with the stun gun when he resisted arrest.

Andrew Mutchler’s attorney, Matthew Trapani, filed a motion today asking Northampton County Judge Edward Smith to dismiss charges of taunting a police animal.

“The horse started the whole thing,” Trapani said outside Smith’s courtroom. “When a 1,500-pound animal steps on your foot, you have no choice but to push him. He meant no harm.”

Trapani said he has medical records of Mutchler’s injured foot, but assistant district attorney Patricia Mulqueen isn’t buying it.

“There was no evidence at the preliminary hearing that the horse stepped on his foot and no witnesses to that,” Mulqueen said, noting that this is the first she’s heard this defense. Source

So Judge Mulqueen has heard the “The horse started it” defense before? Is this some sort of defense that you are taught before you pass the Bar? How many times could she have POSSIBLY heard from a defendant that the-horse-started-the-fist-fight-at-a-music-festival-that-resulted-in-my-being-tased defense???? Seriously?

In other news, if I was stepped on by a horse, I think my first reaction would not be to punch it, but rather run the hell away from it. And, if that wasn’t the case, I think I’d tell the officer, kindly, that his fucking horse stepped on me and then I’d curl up in a ball in pain.

It was because she was getting off on the saddle ok? JESUS.

Man Masturbates Behind a Tree in the Cold

Man, I really wanted to end the week with the whole “Allentown stole Owassa, OK’s slogan” story, but when a story this explosive comes up, you have to take notice.

Now, I’m sure there are countless stories from guys (and ladies) about weird places they have masturbated. Whether it be in the parking lot at work, while watching your neighbor vacuum, looking up pictures of tentacle porn, in the bathroom of a restaurant during a bad date, while watching “The Golden Girls,” it’s always a good thing.

Thankfully, I never have to masturbate, ever. I’m like a self cleaning oven.

This guy, however, was either trying to be more “one with nature” than he should have, or he just likes jogging ladies.

A Bethlehem man has been charged with indecent exposure for allegedly masturbating behind a tree in the 800 block of Main Street in the city. 

Police say a woman reported that a man behind a tree in front of 819 Main St. exposed himself to her while masturbating as she jogged by at 4:45 p.m. Thursday. Benjamin Walter Reiss (FACEBOOK PROFILE), 20, of Butztown Road, was arrested a short while later in his car not far from Main Street. 

Police ask anyone with information to call Investigator Brad Jones at 610-865-7146. Source

It was FREAKING cold yesterday!!! How is this dude outside jerking off in that kind of weather? I mean, c’mon, at least go somewhere warm, you can do some irreparable damage to that thing.

Sadly, I cannot find this guy’s Facebook profile because he’s too busy downloading porn to be bothered with that shit. Thanks to GP for finding it for me!

I did know a kid in college who used to masturbate into his socks all the time, which I really found to be weird. I mean, you WEAR that shit. Even if you wash it, it still has that semen stigma attached to it. Every time you put that sock on you KNOW that you masturbated on it in the past. You can’t even respect it anymore.

Anyway, he would finish up and then I guess put them in the “done” pile before washing them. However, one day, before he went out for a run, he must have mistakenly put on one of the filled socks and didn’t notice until like four miles out. He had to run home with his toes covered in … well, himself.

In terms of female masturbation. That shit’s just weird. You don’t need to do that, really. I mean, if your man’s not satisfying you, then now is the time of the year to have a sit down talk with him and instruct him on the finer points of figuring out how to navigate the globe with a pack of matches through perpetual darkness.

Oh, you’re single? Shower head away good woman, shower head away.

Have a happy weekend. E-mail me if you feel the need. Bitches BE CRAZY.

City of Allentown Steals “City Without Limits” Slogan From Owasso, OK?

Remember when Allentown held a huge press conference to announce their new Logo and Slogan and Allentown Mayor Ed Pawlowski was all like “Hey, we’re going to announce this new logo and slogan and everything is going to be better and all the homeless people are going to get food and everyone who deals drugs is going to start going to school.”?

Yeah, well HOWS about THIS little piece of information?

Allentown freaking STOLE their slogan.

THEY STOLE. THEIR. FREAKING. SLOGAN.

From where? Some really nice town called Owasso, Ok.

Now, since Owasso, OK only has like 18,000 people, I guess Allentown assumed they wouldn’t notice that instead of coming up with an original slogan, like “Allentown: You Might Not Die Here” or “Allentown: Remember When We Had Hess’s?” they just went and ripped off some poor little Oklahoman city thats best claim to fame is that their high school was featured in a scene of The Outsiders.

Well, Dennis Byrd (remember him? the football player who broke his neck?) he lived there too…

I also heard they have good barbecue.

Oh MY BAD Owasso is “THE City Without Limits” and Allentown is “City Without Limits.” Whatever, I’ve seen enough Law & Order: Trademark Infringement to know that little article change won’t hold up in court Angie Harmon!

So, you be the judge:

Owasso’s Web Site: http://www.cityofowasso.com

Allentown’s Web Site: http://www.allentownpa.gov/

Good job, Allentown. Not only do you prove that your slogan is a piece of regurgitated poo in the first place, but you also prove that you can’t even come up WITH YOUR OWN PIECE OF POOP.

SO, IN TRUTH you are STEALING other people’s PIECE OF POOP and passing it off as YOUR OWN PIECE OF POOP!!! You cannot even properly POOP your own POOP.

You know, the real loser in all of this is the citizens of Allentown, who I’m sure were looking for a real slogan they could get behind.

“Allentown: We Do What Other Cities Laugh At.”

Oh and for other cities who have “coincidentally” come up with the same slogan, take a peek…

Also See: Loris, South Carolina “A City Without Limits”

Also See: Valdosta, Georgia “A City Without Limits”

Disclaimer: I’m not saying that this was done intentttttttionallly, i’m just saying. (This is the part I put in so that you can’t sue me or something.)

Allentown Has a New Logo and Slogan, Same DEATH

Um, so apparently in between not taking care of all the murders in town, or teenagers stabbing each other, or bank robberies, or rapes or people winding up in the river, Allentown City brass thought that they could come up with the best way to let people know that Allentown is truly on the upswing:

Get a nice new logo and a pretty  laughable slogan.

I’m beside myself here.

New York City is the Big Apple.

Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love.

Now, Allentown has a new moniker that officials hope will crystallize its identity as a city on the upswing.

The slogan is “City without limits,” and it was unveiled during an elaborate ceremony Tuesday at Symphony Hall.

Without Limits, eh? How about Front Street or Second Street? I would definitely consider them to be a bit OFF FUCKING LIMITS to anyone without a handgun you stupid fucking slogan makers… seriously, what the puss?

The slogan is part of new city logo that includes a stylized “A” in two different shades of green. The “A” is shaped like an arch and is designed to suggest a gateway.

Hey, Spark designed this, so I have to give them credit because they are an actual great design firm in the Valley, so let’s get that out of the way first. Fuck, if Pawlowski was paying me lots of money to make a board game out of dog intestines, i’d do it to.

The logo already has been placed on the city’s Web site and will soon be featured on flags along Hamilton Street and on city stationery.

Wait, you mean to tell me THEY ALREADY UPDATED their WEB SITE??!?!?!? HOLY FUCKING SHIT!?!?!? HOW FAST does this administration move??? THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THIS WHOLE NEW LOGO AND it is ALREADY on the web site??? OMG. OH. MY. GOD.

The logo was designed to reflect “where it’s going, not where it’s been,” said Michael Drabenstott, principal of Spark, a Bethlehem-based marketing firm that developed the concept for the city.

Well, at least they did one thing right, because where it’s been is nicely described as an upside down porta potty three days into Woodstock 99.

“City without limits” replaces “Rediscover Allentown” as the official slogan of Allentown.

Which, again, makes fucking sense. Because if you’ve discovered Allentown once, you’re certainly not going to rediscover the fucking place.

Ok, now that you had your little press conference, can we please go back to STOPPING THE FUCKING MURDERS?

Kthxbye.

Allentown Girl Slashed and TASED B*tch!

WTF Allentown? When people wanted to beat each other up when I was in high school they just did it after school at some stupid location and everyone gathered around and there were like five total punches thrown and then it was kinda over because, well, it was pretty stupid.

There is a reason why “Lord of the Flies” was just a book/movie.

Now, in Allentown, however, apparently if you get in some sort of high school argument you can expect to get yourself cut and fucking TASED.

An Allentown girl was slashed in the lower back with a box cutter Sunday night in an Allentown shopping center during a argument and fight with two other girls, police said.

The 17-year-old girl suffered a ”substantial laceration” and told police she was also attacked with a stun gun while she was on the ground, according to Assistant Chief Joe Hanna.

Police were called to the area of the Ahart’s market in a shopping center in the 1400 block of Allen Street, just before 9 p.m. Sunday, on a report of a stabbing, Hanna said.

She was treated at a hospital for moderate injuries, Hanna said.

The girl, who was not identified by police, said she was walking with her boyfriend when a car pulled up next to them and two girls inside began an argument. 

The argument became physical and one of the girls slashed the victim in the back and she was also stunned, possibly twice, with the stun gun, she told police. The boyfriend broke up the fight and discovered that his girlfriend was bleeding and police were called. Source

Well jeez, at least her boyfriend was there to help her AFTER she was slashed and fucking hit with a stun gun, good job there manly man.

Fuck, all the more reason I do not plan on going to the upcoming Allentown Art Museum’s after hours night club event coming up.

Jeff Dunham is Simply Just NOT Funny

Ok, so I wasn’t really familiar with Jeff Dunham as of this summer and I made that clear in my post about the Allentown Fair. I was told that the dude is freaking great and I was wrong and blah blah blah.

Ok, fine, I can be wrong sometimes. However, over the holidays I was lucky enough to come across a comedy special of his on Comedy Central.

And…

HE FUCKING SUCKS. Honestly, his jokes are all rehashed jokes that are just NOT funny at all. He has an old crotchety man puppet who is grumpy and doesn’t get things. ha.

He has a skeleton terrorist who tells jokes about “blowing stuff up.”

Ha, excuse me while I don’t sip water as to not spit it out.

Seriously, it was like watching somebody’s Catholic father tell jokes around the dinner table. I have no idea why anyone would pay money to see this hack.. but, they do…

If you missed out on seeing the two appearances of comedian and ventriloquist Jeff Dunham at last summer’s Great Allentown Fair, you can grab tickets Saturday for his return show to this year’s fair.

Tickets for Dunham’s Sept. 5 show will go on sale at 10 a.m. Saturday. Reserved seats are $49 and general admission is $39. Source

I know that everyone has their differing opinions on comedy and what is funny and what is not. However, it just seems like I heard the SAME jokes when we would have some ventriloquist come into a fourth grade assembly. His jokes are tired, old, done a million times by a million other people and just plain fucking AWFUL.

There, I said it. I’m done.