Which Borough is the Lehigh Valley’s Best Borough?

Since Emmaus has knee-jerked its way out of being the coolest and best borough in the Lehigh Valley, I hearby open up the “Best Borough of the Lehigh Valley” contest in which Lehigh Valley with Love will determine which borough is the coolest and most awesome, mostly through completely arbitrary means.

So, let’s go in alphabetical any freaking order 

Lehigh County

1. Slatington: Hmm, no. This place, for some reason, reminds me of an old crappy bridge over an old crappy river. Also, it reminds me of people who are just figuring out how to get on the Internet. So, sorry, maybe next millenium.

2. Schnecksville: Eh, I guess it’s not awful, but what do you have? KidsPeace? That’s a great cornerstone on which to build your community. I guess there are a few bars up there, but the people are still a bit too hickish to get into the awesome cool spot…

3. Whitehall: Whitehall is basically just one big strip mall. So, no.

4. Macungie: Close to Emmaus in every sort of respect except for a cool business like Rodale to rally around. It’s KINDA far away, but just close enough that you can drunk drive home from Allentown. This gets a few cred points. It’s also cozy. The local government is absolutely NUTS, however, and may eventually cede from the union.

5. Alburtis: Even FURTHER away than Macungie; it may as well be Pluto. Nothing happens there, which … is good. But, bad for this purpose.

6. Coopersburg: Oh the COOP! Now, I know a lot of people who are FROM here who now live in other areas. That’s a red flag. Sorry.

7. Fountain Hill: Do NOT sleep here. You will get raped or maybe knifed. Where is this fountain anyway?

8. Coplay: Coldplay? Honestly, always thought it was pronounced “CO-PLAY” but it is actually “COP-LY” … STOO-PID

9. North Catasauqua: What’s north of Catasauqua? Apparently this sad, sad borough.

Northampton County

1. Walnutport: Eh, what? When is the LAST TIME you were in Walnutport? I rest my case.

2. Northampton: Eh. SOOOO close to almost being cool except for the fact that all the kids beat each other up and they have lots of drugs. Oh, and … well, there is way too much industry to be hip. It’s good and all, but it’s still backwoods in that cool sorta pick up truck kinda way. Northampton is the buddy you love to drink with, just not talk politics with.

3. Catasauqua: Immediately loses points for being the hardest borough name to spell in Pennsylvania. Also has lots of houses that look as they they could fall over. Just sayin’.

4. Chapman: Oh, yeah! You didn’t even know it was a borough, did you? 234 people?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This has a high potential. UGH, the kids who live here go to Northampton.. crap.

5. Wilson: Easton’s little retarded brother. No thanks.

6. Glendon: Wayyyy to far removed from the rest of the area in terms of geography and substance. I feel as though some of the people who live here don’t leave the borough. Ever.

7. West Easton: What’s the point?

8. Stockertown: Boring, but apparently has some decent outdoorsy stuff you can do (scroll to the bottom newbies).

9. Tatamy!!!!!: 934 people! Kids go to Nazareth! Has a large median income. It’s close to Easton, but we may be able to overlook that. 

10. Wind Gap: Hahahahahaha. Wind Gap reminds me of fast food joints. Not exactly the first place I’d want to start touting as representative of the Valley.

11. Pen Argyl: Really? REALLY? They have a landfill. Or something.

12. Bangor: But I hardly know her.

13. Portland: When it flooded here in like 2004 I went up to cover it and it was the first real time I was in the borough. It’s quiet, it overlooks the Delaware River. The store fronts are super quaint. The neighborhoods nestle into the woods off the streets…

Only problem is it’s just SOOOOO far from ANNNYTHING. It’s barely in the state let alone the Lehigh Valley.

14. Nazareth: Hasn’t gotten any better or done anything more than it “needs” to lately. I mean, if you have Martin Guitar, I guess you don’t have to try hard to be cool.

15. Bath: Besides having a cool name, it does have a neat downtown and there is some sort of strip club (the fox?) that is down there. This COULD be a frontrunner due to the fact that it has the infrastructure to have a rebirth….. hmmm

16. Hellertown: (Sorry, I kept you off the list.) I do like Hellertown and you DO have a cool cavern. The only thing that really keeps Hellertown from being more awesome and a destination, especially for the party crowd on the weekends, is that the cops think they are the Gestapo. Never drive through that town. EVER. (This isn’t from personal experience either, just countless people telling me so.)

17. East Bangor: Sounds like a sexual position.

18. Roseto: If you have never been here, it’s worth it to go. It’s almost like a museum and it’s strange how, being in the middle of kinda nowhere, all the houses in the borough are squished together. However, I have been told this may be the best place to eat pasta… EVER.

This whole community, however, is VERY tight knit, making it a touch awkward for an outsider…

Ok, so I don’t know which one to pick. Help me decide.