Punxsutawney Phil is the Closest Thing to Jesus We Have

Punxsutawney Phill saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of WINTER!!!!

Ok, that’s the last time I’m spelling the name of that town, it’s too early. I know some people are all blah blah about this whole holiday. I mean, PETA wants a robotic groundhog. For the LOVE OF RAY J, PETA!!! Don’t you have anything else better to do? I bet this fucking groundhog has better apartments than most of your members…

Anyway, I had a point I was trying to make it was that even though everyone KNOWS that this is just a stupid little fun holiday and a GREAT public relations and marketing move basically built into a city that would otherwise look like a cookie crumb on the Pennsylvania road map, tell me that you didn’t get a twinge of depression after learning this rodent’s verdict.

TELL ME you didn’t feel a BIT upset about the fact that a FUCKING rodent saw its shadow and because of some stupid tradition made up by some stupid man a bazillion years ago, we’re going to have six more weeks of winter.

Of course, it’s completely absurd, but then again people love this guy too, so what can you do?

You know, Punxsutawney Phil (fine I broke down) is probably the closest thing to Jesus we have… either that or Nostradamus.

He is all knowning. He is gracious. He is furry. He has books written about him. He doesn’t wear a ton of clothing. He is heralded by thousands. He is the son of god. These are all interchangeable descriptions about both of these good natured guys.

Pennsylvania’s most-famous groundhog once again saw his shadow this morning, predicting another six long weeks of winter.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of Punxsutawney Phil and his doom and gloom predictions. Never mind the fact that, according to the calendar, spring starts March 21 — six weeks from now — whether it’s sunny or shady on Gobbler’s Knob.

The Groundhog Club says Phil has offered this same prediction almost 100 times since 1887, but there are no records for nine years. The punk rodent owes it to his faithful fans to shake up the forecast a bit. 

After all, Phil has a lot of followers. Hundreds gathered in the cold this morning to await his message, and there was so much traffic to his Web site this morning, that it has been impossible to even check up on the Western Pennsylvania celebration for the past few hours. Source

Jesus Groundhog owes nothing to NOBODY!

I sincerely hope he has a concubine of other female groundhogs and performs daily miracles while walking around thinking up clever fables.

You think I’m being silly, but I’m not.

And, so what if Punxsutawney Phil said six more weeks of winter nine years in a row, it doesn’t change my plans of using Seasonal Affective Disorder as an excuse to be an asshole to everyone I meet for the next six weeks. Peace out!