An Interview with Hurricane Sandy

Sandy, thank you so much for taking time to talk to us today! How has your trip gone so far?

Oh heeeeeey! Um, yeah, this trip is going fab. I’ve never seen so much ocean before. Ocean is pretty. Where the hell are you calling me from again?

Lehigh Valley. In Pennsylvania. You know, The Allentown area?

Like that song my parent used to listen to? “Living here in Allentown, all the tractors have all broken down and we’re…”

Yes, yes. That’s the one. Ok, so, can you tell us what we can expect as you come through our area?

Well, you’ll probably be happy to hear that I am going to take a huge massive rain dump on the entire state of New Jersey. You guys hate New Jersey, right? I hate New Jersey, what’s the point of having this great state with awesome beaches if it’s just going to be populated with whiny roidy douchers and girls who sound like they are getting their toenails ripped out every time they open their mouths?

Eek. Well, yeah New Jersey has it’s crappy points but…

Shut the hell up. I know you hate New Jersey. I’ve read your crappy blog before. Ooooooh, just cause I am a massive storm I can’t read, right? Asshole. I can’t wait to flood your towns so they swell to the size of Ed Hanna’s handsomeness.

And that’s what we can expect?

Yep. I don’t want to sugar coat this, you guys are screwed. Anyone who has a basement in their house is going to be able to fly fish in it. I am going to specifically target Rita’s Water Ice shops just to take the joy it of your stupid lives, I am going to rain and when I reach full power with that little tiny storm from the west, I am going to SNOW DOWN HELL UPON YOU!!!

Sounds great. So, you do know they are calling you “Frankenstorm” right?

And then I am going to, wait, what?

Frankenstorm, because of that whole extra snow storm in there. You’re a freak!

FRANKENSTORM? That’s the worst effing nickname ever! I am fabulous! You ungrateful pieces of trash I am going to pick up speed now and…

SANDY! It’s on! Someone’s been a bad, bad girl!

Oh! Ed! Mmmmmmmmm

I’m just gonna leave you two alone…