Man Missing! Police Sent to Search! Nah, Just Drunk

I’d like to think that if I went missing people would search for me. And, not some crappy search where they ask people on Facebook if they’ve seen me lately.

I’m talking a SERIOUS search where they bring their dogs out and put my Pink Floyd 1994 Division Bell Tour tshirt in front of their noses so they can track my scent. I’m talking tons of posters on every light pole in the city. I’m talking FULL OUT holding hands searches through scary fields! I want people to go on TV and beg for my safe return. I want REAL tears. I want a website where people speculate what happened to me.

I promise if that happens I won’t just be drunk…

Well… 88% promise. That’s still pretty good.

A Walnutport man whose disappearance Sunday night on a NorthWhitehall Township trail brought out emergency search teams wasn’t really missing, police say. State police say he was drunk.

Anthony F. Oettl, 60, of the 700 block of Williams Avenue, was intoxicated when he fell asleep about 8 p.m. on the trail near Cove Road in the township, state police at Bethlehem said Tuesday.

While Oettl slept, police were notified that he was missing, and several searchers looked for him, police said. Police said he will be charged with public drunkenness.SOURCE: The Morning Call

I love it.

I especially love thinking about him waking up going, “Meeerrrghhh. Why y’all making such a fuss. Errrhmageerd gimme a beer.”

It’s nice to know that he’s cared about, though? I’m sure the cops just charged him because they probably couldn’t ask him to repay for any sort of “searching” since he was just napping and didn’t ask them to search and wasn’t trying to hide from anyone.

Ah, see kids? If you apply yourself, you, too, can make the newspaper.