Halloween Tips and Tricks, Enjoy.

I don’t know where to go for Halloween. Shut up. I have no idea. Go to the Firehouse or something. Or Rookies. Or Crock Rock. Or go over to LVScene for that information. Why do I have to do everything for your lazy ass? Seriously, I’m getting sick of you.

I don’t know what I’m going to be for Halloween, if anything. Maybe I’ll be Robocop again. Maybe I’ll be a cross between Robocop and Iron Man. Maybe I’ll be a dumpster. How much sense does it make that all the girls are dressed super hot for Halloween, however, most guys are dressed so creepily that no one would want to get anywhere near them? Is this a big LESBIAN conspiracy!??!?!?!

If so, I want to be on the grassy knoll.

Ba Dum CHA! I’ll be here all week.

Ok, so be careful while you’re out there drinking and driving tonight, children.

Halloween is almost here and Lehigh Valley and northwest New Jersey authorities are gearing up for the big night.

Police believe trick-or-treaters will be out in full force this year because the big night falls on a Saturday.

“Any event held on a Saturday is going to have more of a response,” said Nazareth police Chief Tom Trachta. “We will beef up patrols.”

Motorists should be vigilant, especially after 5 p.m., when youngsters are expected to hit the streets in search of sweets.

“Pay attention and drive slowly,” the Lopatcong Township police Chief Scott Marinelli warned.

Here are some more practical tips to keep you and your children safe on trick-or-treat night. Source

Whatever. Kids in costumes shouldn’t be out on the fucking road if I’m driving drunk. Seriously, go home and eat your needle-filled candy apples.

Ok, so if you’re going to have fun on Halloween and you’re over the age of… eh, 17? (ok 21 for this demonstration) then follow these tips

1. Whether you’re at a private party or a bar/club party, don’t wear a costume that doesn’t jive with your personality. If you’re dressed all crazily like the hamburglar on crack and you’re sitting by yourself in the corner, that is going to raise some red flags. Also, if you’re dressed pretty nondescript, like Johnny Depp or something, don’t be acting like you have the best costume.
2. Any girl with her ass hanging out is probably a whore.
3. Compliment the time it took to put a girl’s costume together rather than the costume itself.
4. For girls: Not that you need to really do anything on Halloween other than show your boobs, but if you don’t have any, then ask a guy what he is if the answer isn’t obvious. Guys are jerks and love to talk about themselves.
5. Drink too much, especially if you’re wearing a mask.
6. Do not walk into a gas station after 2 a.m. with your mask still on. Shit happens. Trust me.

Machs Gute in Bethlehem has a pretty good party going on tonight. Maybe I’ll go as myself.