World Series Preview, LVwithLOVE Style…

Whether or not you like baseball, and if you don’t like baseball then you’re probably a lonely girl or one of those guys who “doesn’t follow sports” and thus is really into anime or something, you have to admit that a Philadelphia vs. New York World Series is a pretty special thing. Even if you only acknowledge it on a cultural level, it has to be acknowledged as something that could maybe end up being a historic event in this little shitty part of the world.

So, prepare yourself from tonight through the weekend through hopefully some time next week of friends making fun of each other, people ragging on both teams, people making excuses for everything from the size of Arod’s balls to Ryan Howard’s nose. It’s going to be pretty annoying. IN FACT, the one thing i’m NOT looking forward to is going to the bar and hearing either side of fans screaming at each other. I want to fucking watch baseball and root for my team. I want to watch one of what could be the better World Series in recent memories without two towns who could care less about each other fighting over nonsensical bullshit.

If you’re from New York know these things:

1. Your team is overpaid, however, that’s not your fault. Major League Baseball allows  you to do this and your owner has the money to do it. So, um, woudln’t you do it if you could? If you’re going to war and you have the money to buy the best guns, wouldn’t you buy the best guns? Or would you want to be fair to the guys you’ll be fighting against and buy some of their shitty guns? Really?
2. No one likes you. NO ONE. There is no other fan in the league that looks at the Yankees and goes: Eh, they are ok. No, you are hated because you are pompous assholes who count on your fingers (and toes and legs) all the World Series championships you won that you weren’t even alive for. Yawn.
3. If you lose you will make some AWFUL fucking excuse that will make you look like more of an asshole.
4. If you win you will celebrate in such a fashion that people want to piss on your jersey because you have no tact.

If you are Philadelphia, know these things.

1. You should be counting your lucky stars you are even here. You played like shit down the stretch and you’re from Philadelphia, which means that God doesn’t particularly like you in the first place. I’m not saying just play like you’re happy to be in the WS again, I’m just saying don’t start being a cocky jerk in the bar saying how you knew you’d get there when Cliff Lee was pitching like your mom at a softball tournament in the last month of the season.
2. The reason you win is because you have what MAY be the best combination of hitting and pitching in the Major Leagues. Maybe you should have some knowledge of this, especially if you’re a new bandwagon female fan. Take the time to learn a few of the cute ball players’ names and maybe even a stat or two.
3. Don’t celebrate like a fucktard if you win JUST becuase you’re a Philly fan and you’re supposed to celebrate that way. Unless you’re under the age of 23, then you have the right to kinda party any way you want. But, if you’re 30 years old and you start breaking shit outside of Rookie’s in Allentown after the game, you’re a douche.
4. If you lose, don’t be too gracious because you’re going to end up punching whatever Yankees fan is sitting next to you anyway because they will be making fun of you and your mother and father, etc. all while imaginarily fellating Derek Jeter.

I don’t know who is going to win, what am I, Nostradamus? All I know is that I can’t wait to watch.