Your Entertainment Guide to The “Meh” Allentown Fair

Forgive me for not being overly excited about The “Great” Allentown Fair. Believe it or not, I have gone to the fair the past two years. I think one time because I had to for work and the other time because there was nothing to do and I heard they sold pig ears.

All in all, it’s not AWFUL, but it’s certainly not fucking “Great.” Maybe, “Acceptable.” Possibly, “Mundane.” Most Likely, “Meh.”

It is what it is, at least they aren’t trying to blow smoke up your ass. Some pigs. Check. Some carny games. Check. Some stupid promotional trucks that make you walk through a bunch of shit then sign up for a free camcorder. Check. Funnel Cake. Check. Deplorable rides. Check. The slight smell of garbage wafting through the indoor food market. Fuck yeah.

What’s good about the Allentown Fair is that you can officially tell summer it’s over and start getting ready for Celtic Fest and Halloween, the next two occassions that you are allowed to drink more than you should and dress like a Leprachaun Riding a Unicorn.

Honestly, the food is OK, considering many of the same vendors that make the festival rounds wind up on the midway, getting rid of whatever you didn’t eat during Musikfest. (I see you Aw Shucks.) SO, the ONLY thing that could possibly save the Allentown Fair is its entertainment.

Let’s take a look at this year’s star studded line-up:

Jeff Dunham: Tuesday, September 1
$49.00; $39.00

Who the heck is this? $49??? No THANK you, good sir. (Update: I found out who he was.)

Earth, Wind & Fire and Chicago: Wednesday, September 2 $55.00; $49.00

When the fuck did Chicago join this bucket of regurgitated crap? Again, $55??????? Who the HELL do you think you are? I could buy a box set of show tunes for that much money.

Kelly Clarkson with special guest Eric Hutchinson and Krista: Thursday, September 3 $49.00; $39.00

Ah. HERE we go! I can stand Kelly Clarkson because at least she enjoys being a bit tubby, which is also known as FUCKING NORMAL and not injected or pureed in some way. HOW ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH is it less to see her than Earth, Wind, Fire and Seattle? I don’t get it.

 Tim MCGraw with special guest Chris Young: Friday, September 4 
$69.00; $55.00

Wait a minute. Is this The Great Palmerton Fair? This is takes place in Allentown, correct? Yes? Ok. Just Checking.

Brad Paisley with special guests Dierks Bentley and Jimmy Wayne
Saturday, September 5 $55.00; $49.00

Um. I seem to be missing something. Do they not let 80 % of Allentown into this thing? Do minorities not get some sort of vote on who they bring into this fair?

Jeff Dunham Sunday, September 6

Again, who the fuck is this guy, and why is he sticking around Allentown for a fucking week to perform twice? Yeah, so he’s some popular comic. I get it. I get it. Does he do redneck jokes? Is that the type of stuff I’m in for with him? I’m so youtubing him later.

J & J Demolition Derby - featuring the Pick-Up Derby Heat Monday, September 7 $15.00; Children under 12 $10.00 Source

Ok. I give up.