Time machines are so awesome.
I was able to use mine and go forward to see tonight’s 15th Congressional District debate between Republimonkey Charlie Dent and Democrunt Johnny “Casino” Callahan at Muhlenberg College this evening and, let me tell you, it was a doozy.
We got started with moderater and PBS lady Amy Burkett.
WAZZZUP bitches? Time to get this debate started. First question: Do I or do I not have the best freakin’ TV hair you have ever seen?
I thought Kathy Craine was moderating this. What the F?
AMY! You’ve been to Starters Riverport, verdad? Did you hear that? I speak lots of Spanish. I know that it will be important to speak lots of Espanol if I win, I mean, when I win this seat!
Douchetastic answers, gentlemen. Onto the next question: If elected, where do you plan to hold your celebration party and why?
Seriously, I was told that Kathy Craine was supposed to do this, I mean… ugh, fine. I will probably have a small, quaint and quiet celebration with my family and friends at my home in Zionsville.
*Sips from flask* I’m ALREADY partying, Amy. But, seriously, seriously, if you wanted to come to my celebration party I can give you the address, but you have to bring a friend and she can’t be a chunker. You know what I’m saying? Seriously. Don’t do that to a man.
Wow, Mr. Callahan, or can I call you Johnny Casino? You’re quite the ladies man, aren’t you? Third question: If you had to pick your favorite festival or event held in the Lehigh Valley during the year, which would it be?
Amy, I would have to pick SportsFest in Allentown because I’m a big proponent of having children be active because it makes them better, less fat adults.
MUSIKFFFFFFFFFEST. Did you know I have my own security detail that steals peoples’ cameras if they take pictures of me drunk? BOO YAH! Try getting that on TMZ, bitches!
Um. Final Question: Gentleman, what do you think makes you the best candidate to win this election?
Well, I’m old. I look like John Kennedy. My family has been active in the community for tons of years and I feel that I can continue to kinda just do whatever my party tells me to and I will never really cause much trouble. Basically, the paycheck is freakin’ sweet.
WWWEEEELLLL, OBVVVIOUSLY there is a RAPIST in Lincoln PARRRRK……… *stumbles off stage left*
Hey, I just got here, what did I miss?