The Lehigh Valley. Allentown, Bethlehem, Easton and everything, and everyone, in-between.
  • Diamond Toyota
  • iMobileRescue.Com
  • Townsend Insurance
  • Webfoot Digital
  • Zombie Run at Dorney Park
  • CSC Fun Run

Tri Towers Should be the Only Game in Town

My favorite card game of all time is “Tri Towers” on Megatouch, so I might not be the most well-equipped to write about high stakes poker, however, apparently there is at least one underground super high stakes game in town.

I was convinced this type of stuff, the idea that there were shady poker clubs where someone could get in on a big Texas Hold ‘em poker pot at 4 a.m. was just backdrop for the movie “Rounders.”

Apparently not.

Allentown police are looking for two men who robbed a high-stakes poker game this morning in an office suite on Union Boulevard.

Police radio transmissions indicated at least 10 people were playing in the “underground poker game” and at least $11,000, a loaded handgun and several cell phones were stolen from the players.

Marked police vehicles were parked outside the office building at 1642 Union Boulevard around 5:30 a.m. following the report of the robbery. A half dozen men exited the building at 1642 Union Boulevard one at a time via a rear door that accessed second-floor office suites above first-floor businesses fronting Union Boulevard. A sign on the outside of the building said the suites rented for $250 month with all utilities included.

Some of the men acknowledged participating in the poker game and being robbed, some denied involvement in the game. None of them would provide their names, but one man said he believed it was illegal to hold the poker game. He said police were allowing players to leave if they provided them with photo identification.

The men exiting the building appeared to range in age from their early 20s to 40s. The younger men wore T-shirts, shorts, sneakers and baseball caps on sideways while the older men had a more business casual attire.

Those who spoke said police allowed them to leave after providing them with photo identification.

Police have not released official information on the robbery, but officers speaking on the radios said there were at least 10 witnesses to the “underground poker game” and several thousands dollars was taken. One player reported a loss of $11,000 and a handgun, according to the transmission
. Source

This somehow makes me slightly proud to live in the area, not because there was some crime involved, but becuase if there are underground high stakes poker games then this is the “cool place to be.”

$11,000?? ?! ?!? !? WTF?

I think I played a game once with a $5 buy in. That was rich.

Back to Tri Towers. I had a friend who was convinced that the game was fucking with your life and that you couldn’t win. I think he ended up doing some sort of mathematical forumlation to try and convince us that the game was continually cheating him….

Whatever… best 25 cents I spend every …. ummm like once a week, that’s it….

See all comments: Join the discussion

Bethlehem Summer Crime Begins

It’s that time of year, the ladies come out in their short skirts, festivals throughout the area start gearing up and people start fucking with other people for no good reason.

Case in point, the other night I was at a local bar and got a phone call. There are like three people in the bar at this point, I causually know them so I figure it’s no biggie to leave my wallet on the bar as I walk outside to talk. I can still SEE my wallet on the bar, about five feet away or so, as I’m outside talking. Some dude walks by me into the bar and, keep in mind it’s kinda empty, can sit ANYWHERE.

He chooses to take the seat next to where I’m sitting and then proceeds to eye up my wallet, look around, order a drink, eye up my wallet, look around. I’m watching him do this and instead of rushing in, I’m actually almost HOPING he’ll take it so I’ll have an excuse to fight in public and no one can do anything about it.

But, it was raining and I was done talking and I came back in and I sat back down. He immediately got up and left. Whatever

So, yeah, it’s crime season. Commence wave one:

Bethlehem police reported a dozen incidents from Wednesday, including the theft of a set of wheels from a car, a car that was broken into and a home burglary.

• Police said all four wheels — complete with tires — were stolen from a Saturn parked in the 200 block of Columbia Street.

OH man, people be getting FUCKED with. ALL FOUR TIRES? How could they NOT report on if the car was left on cinder blocks or not?

• A 32-year-old woman was charged with making terroristic threats and harassment at 7:23 p.m. at a vacant store front in the 800 block of Argus Court. Kaylin Marina Knox, of Cherry Lane, was allegedly at the former E&A Video, police said. No other details were immediately available.

• Thieves entered a Jeep in the 400 block of Brighton Street, police said, and stole a GPS device, radio and loose change.

• Police said the rear door was kicked in at a home in the 1300 block of Center Street on Wednesday. Thieves stole a Sony Playstation 3.

Ick, that’s not even in a bad area. This was planned, however, I think I’d rather case a house that had a Wii…

• A car was allegedly vandalized during an attempted theft at the Hotel Bethlehem Thursday. Police said the incident occurred at 7:19 p.m.

• At 3:41 this morning Swarn Singh, 51, of Phillipsburg, was charged with public drunkenness at the Trans-Bridge bus terminal on Industrial Drive. Source

Well, get ready for some more of this fine shit as the weather gets warmer, especially if it’s going to be 85 and sunny all weekend as predicted.

See all comments: Join the discussion

Emmaus Doesn’t Compromise, Beatch!

Emmaus, by all accounts, is a nice little borough nestled in between the Allentown Auto Mile and the vast expanses of Macungie and wherever the fuck Alburtis is.

They have nice festivals, everyone there runs marathons, they grow their own food and everyone has compost in their backyard. It’s like the James Jones cult except without all the religion, deadly juice and with the addition of Faschtnats.

Seriously, the biggest criminals there are the Rodale employees who smoke (all the other workers sneer at them) and the occasional drunk driver who gets lost.

If you’re planning a local event that will benefit everyone involved though (probably even the borough itself when all is said and done) don’t expect any fucking conscessions from the borough council, bitch, cause it ain’t fucking happenin’.

The Shops of Emmaus, a borough merchants’ organization, is planning its first annual Best in Bloom (web site here) event for later this month, featuring artists, food and gardening workshops. However, some of the group’s requests cannot be accommodated because they were not submitted to borough council in time.

Borough Council on Monday could not take action on the group’s requests for road closures, a waiver of parking restrictions and permission for a food vendor that would be parked on Chestnut Street because the request did not make it to council soon enough.

The requests needed to be submitted in writing by the second meeting in May so they would have time to circulate through the proper committees of council. The committees can work with borough staff to address concerns and finalize details. The committees make recommendations to the entire council for approval or rejection.

Shops of Emmaus would like the borough to waive any parking restrictions for the morning of June 13 so artists participating in the events of the weekend can unload their works. The Shops would also like the streets surrounding the downtown triangle to be closed to traffic. The group also requested permission to station a food vendor at La Belle Cuisine cookware shop on Chestnut Street.

Borough Manager Craig Neely said he warned the organizers of the Shops of Emmaus that they needed to submit their request in writing by the May 18 meeting, but the request did not arrive until May 19. The letter came before council Monday, but there is not enough time for a committee review and a council vote on the requests. Council does not meet again until June 15 and the Best in Bloom event kicks off June 12, with events held June 13-14 and again June 20.

”I think it’s unfortunate because they run very, very good events,” Council President Michael Waddell said.

Waddell is right, fuck this group. I mean, they run very, very good events, so fuck them, why should THEY get any special treatment?

A deadline is a deadline and there is just no way that the super huge government conglomeration that is the borough of Emmaus (population: 11,000) could POSSIBLY inform the Emmaus police department (population: not a lot) that these people can have some parking exemptions and a food vendor on the sidewalk.

THERE IS JUST NO FEASIBLE WAY that the police could POSSIBLY find the two wooden things that close off the one street in Emmaus before June 13. I mean, THIS SHIT TAKES PLANNING PEOPLE!!!!

DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG THEIR MAINTENANCE SHED IS? Shit dude, it’s like the last scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark in there…

They were ONE day late in submitting their application. ONE DAY. You know what can happen in one day? Rome. That’s what.

See all comments: Join the discussion

Charlie and the Crayola Factory, Not Quite…

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was one of those movies that, at first, was fucking awesome (when you watched it for the first time as a kid) and then was fucking seriously disturbing (when you watched it later in life and noticed all the fucked up trippy/sexual/drug related shit that was going on).

Anyway you chew it, the movie was a classic and they made an equally trippy recent remake and that means that anyone who has some sort of “factory” whether it makes condoms or dump trucks, is going to try that whole “We’re hiding the Golden Ticket in the (insert item here) and if you find one you get (some awesome prize here)”

Which, I guess, is an acceptable way to self-promote, that is, if you have a fucking prize worth looking for the ticket for…

Visitors to The Crayola Factory at Two Rivers Landing will have the chance to score a Golden Ticket to earn a tour of the company’s famous manufacturing facility in Forks Township.

Twenty Golden Tickets will be hidden in four-packs of Crayola crayons stored in dispensers on the second floor of The Crayola Factory on Easton’s Centre Square, in the “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”-esque promotion.

The ticket search continues through Labor Day, and each winner and one guest can attend a tour on Nov. 3.

Public tours had been offered at the plant from 1985 to 1992, a news release said. The tour was so popular that nearly 20,000 visitors had to be turned away each year. The Golden Ticket tour will be for children 11 and older, due to safety reasons, company officials said.

No purchase is necessary to get contest crayon packs, and one pack per person will be given to people who stop by The Crayola Factory. Paid admission is not required to receive a crayon packet, Crayola officials said.

I couldn’t resist adding this Golden Ticket song from the 1971 "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" movie. I’m sure Crayola Factory officials won’t mind if you sing it to celebrate finding one of those tour tickets! Source

A tour?


Like, YOU DO realize that in movie, NO ONE had toured the factory before, it was a big secret. And if “20,000 had to be turned away” or whatever, then hundreds of thousands, I’m assuming, toured the factory last year…

Hardly a sought after prize!!!?

Maybe if you get to win you get to create a new color of crayon?

Or you get to eat them?

Something better than this….

See all comments: Join the discussion

Southern Lehigh Senior Prank Not So Bad

I don’t think I participated in any sort of “Senior Prank” either in high school or college.

Does that make me unfun? I’m not sure, because, as I remember it, senior pranks were what Zack Morris and Bayside High School participated in. I seem to remember me and my friends worrying more about boobs or beer, but that COULD have made me somewhat unfun?

I just didn’t see a lot of it happening. Maybe it was the high school I went to, but no one seemed to have the whole senior prank thing as a priority, so I just lived vicariously through AC Slater (in more ways than one, I’m looking at you imaginary threesome with Kelly Kapowski and Jessie Spano)

So, these Southern Lehigh High School kids actually come up with a not-so-awful senior prank that doesn’t hurt anybody and, of course, the school is going to try and fuck up their lives and put stuff on their “permanent record.”

Some Southern Lehigh High School students who camped in the school’s courtyard overnight as a senior prank could face trespassing charges and disciplinary action.

Brian McLaughlin of Upper Saucon Township police, who is assigned to the school as a resource officer, said 17 boys took part in the Monday night prank. He is investigating whether any others were involved.

McLaughlin said the school district requested that charges be filed and is considering its own disciplinary action. Superintendent Joseph Liberati and high school administrators could not be reached for comment Tuesday on what form the discipline might take.

The boys used ladders to scale the building and gain access to the secure courtyard, a grassy area used primarily by art students and for special school programs, McLaughlin said. Maintenance personnel arrived at 7 a.m. Tuesday to find the students in tents and sleeping bags.

”They were just trying to create a spectacle for their fellow students and staff as part of their senior prank,” McLaughlin said.

The building was examined and nothing appears to be missing and no forced entry was discovered on any windows or doors, he added.

McLaughlin said the students appeared to understand that what they did was wrong. He said police and the district discourage senior pranks because of the liability involved. Scaling the walls and crossing the roof was ”not a very safe activity,” he said.

”It’s a senior prank, I get that,” McLaughlin said, ”but it’s also wrong.”

Still, at least one student thinks the administration overreacted. The student sent an e-mail to The Morning Call titled ”Free the Campers” that decried the punishment the students face.

The student was not part of the camping prank, but a family member said the student is facing possible disciplinary action for alerting the media.

Sure, they broke a few rules, but shitballs, they stuck around to face the music!! It’s not like they threw some eggs at the principal’s house or accidentally impregnated the football coach’s daughter. They were THERE in the morning so they could go, “See, we broke the rules, but it’s actually kinda funny, so give us pretend detention and let’s call it a day.”

But, NOoOOOO the Nazi administration of Southern Lehigh feels the need to charge them with trespassing? Really? C’mon.

Give them all mandatory detention on a friday afternoon (saturday morning if they are in athletics) and call it a fucking day.

You’re lucky they chose to do this and not a million different other things.

Like give Belding a chocolate covered grasshopper….

(I had this as parkland for some reason before, i have no idea, today is a mess…. THANKS AY!!!!)

See all comments: Join the discussion

Bethlehem City Planning Director Will Park Wherever the Hell He Wants and You Will Like It

Nothing like being the asshole of the neighborhood. You know the guy, he comes in tons of forms:

  1. The guy with the really loud Honda Civic that has a glued-on spolier and gives off an odd plastic-on-plastic vibration every time the bass drum hits on his new 50 Cent track, yo.
  2. The guy who gets pissed off at everyone else for whatever the fuck they do to their own houses (lawn cutting, tree trimming, lawn ornaments) while he does whatever the fuck he wants to his, and you’ll like it.
  3. The guy who has the perfect wife, 2.5 kids, a healthy dog without hip dysplasia and always waves to you in the morning during his daily jog when you’re walking to your car hungover.
  4. The guy fucking your wife.

Samuel Guttman is the asshole of his neighborhood, fuck that, he’s the asshole of the city.

Samuel Guttman, who owns some stupid Antique Store at Church and New in Bethlehem that nobody fucking shops at cause it’s stupid and musty, is going to pretty much get away with bitching about a revered city parade, nearly running over a police officer and using his car as a battering ram when he was within a few feet of a mom and her kid.

Why? Because he knows somebody who knows somebody, that’s why.

Northampton County’s district attorney thinks a retired Bethlehem planner accused of hitting a police officer with his truck should be allowed into a first-time offender program.

District Attorney John Morganelli signed off on Samuel Guttman’s application for the county’s accelerated rehabilitative disposition program, or ARD. A judge must formally approve the application.

Morganelli said his office contacted Bethlehem police officer Ken Jones and a woman and child who were in a “danger zone” when Guttman’s car started moving. All three said would be OK with Guttman entering the program.

Police said Guttman, 63, of the 400 block of New Street, erupted at Jones after being told that he needed to wait before parking near Church and New streets. Church Street was closed at the time for the Celtic Classic parade.

Police said Guttman, the city planning director for 30 years and owner of Church Street Antiques, circumvented several roadblocks and barked obscenities at police while arguing that he should be able to park his truck regardless of the band or other people in the way.

As Jones turned away from Guttman’s truck, the vehicle crept forward and bumped the officer in the back, according to court documents.

Jones, who was not injured, leaned into Guttman’s truck to put the vehicle in park and struggled with him. According to court documents, the vehicle was moving toward Liberty High School band members while the two tussled. Jones doused Guttman with pepper spray and stopped the truck.

Guttman is charged with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Source

Just so you’re clear, the guy almost ran over a cop because he wanted to park his fucking truck wherever the fuck he wanted, you know, instead of somewhere a few feet or (OH MY GOD NO) a few blocks down the street because the parade was going through the street.

WELL FUCK ME IN THE FACE if a parade is going to stop Samuel “Assraper” Guttman from parking his fucking truck by his stupid fucking Antique store.

He’s the city planning director so, HE’S MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT THAN YOUR SHITTY PARADE CELEBRATING THE HERITAGE OF THE SEVEN CELTIC NATIONS. One which, incedentially, brings in hundreds of thousands of dollars to the city.

WELL FUCK ME if Samuel “I’m Filled with ASSHOLE” Guttman is going to let a cop get in the way of him parking.

So yeah, he does this and he basically gets nothing.

Why? Because he knows somebody who knows somebody.

That’s why.

And, yes kids, that’s how it works.

End of lesson, go and play in the street.

See all comments: Join the discussion

Optimus Prime Dies on I-80

I am curious if Michael Bay had anything to do with this early morning Truck Crash on I-80 up by Lake Harmony.

The Interstate 80 west off ramp at the Route 940 and Northeast Extension interchange reopened after being closed for about three hours this morning because of an overturned tractor-trailer.

The truck flipped onto its side on the curve of the ramp around 6 a.m., according to the state Department of Transportation.

The driver was not seriously injured.

Optimus was a good man. Although, he was never my favorite Transformer. He was such a fucking pussy and never killed enough people, at least in my opinon.

Then again, my only vivid childhood memory of the Transformers was wondering if the women ones would or would not have boobs and where the women ones were, cause if there weren’t any, then the Transformers were all sorts of… weirder

See all comments: Join the discussion

Robbery “Mastermind” Forgets Simple Criminal Rule: Be Thorough

I’m no criminal, but, I figure if I were to do something illegal, I would make sure that I would really put some thought into it, since it’s not quite like cheating on an alegebra test.

Like, for example, if you were going to kill someone and not want to get caught, wouldn’t you want to make sure you didn’t half-ass the whole “body disposal” part of the crime?

You got through the killing and, possibly, dismembering parts, so, why stop your momentum by digging a two foot deep grave? Really? Couldn’t put in the extra muscle for a good five feet?

I guess the same goes for robberies, as well. If you’re going to come up with some fucking great “plan” you might want to make sure you have all the avenues of your stupidity in check.

Allentown police say a 24-year-old city woman is responsible for setting up a man to be robbed in his apartment yesterday afternoon by two masked men armed with knives.

Olga M. Suarez, 24, of 1237 W. Turner St., was charged yesterday in connection with the robbery of Charles Frankenfield of the 400 block of Washington Street.

Police allege Suarez drove the two robbers to Frankenfield’s apartment.

According to arrest documents:

Suarez, who knew Frankenfield, entered the apartment and made sure the front door was unlocked for the robber. She then pretended to be a victim.

The masked men burst into the apartment around noon and held knives to the throats of Frankenfield and Suarez, according to police. Police said the robbers took $615 cash, a wallet and a cell phone from Frankenfield, and they later found the wallet in Suarez’s apartment. Police said they spotted the wallet lying on a couch in her residence while they were questioning her about the robbery.

Suarez was charged last night with robbery, theft, receiving stolen property and criminal conspiracy. She is being held in
Lehigh County Prison under $25,000 bail. As of last night, there were no court records to indicate the male robbers had been charged. Source

Again, if you’re going to steal shit, don’t leave it sitting out on the fucking couch.

If you’re going to smoke pot in your dorm room, don’t leave your bong on your fucking desk.

If you’re going to videotape a movie in a theatre, don’t sit in the first fucking row.

Seriously…. some people.

See all comments: Join the discussion

What If We Got Stuck During Sex Like Dogs Do?

Once, in high school, my mom tried to get our cocker spaniel to breed with another cocker spaniel (we had the male.) Soooo we put them in the kitchen and figured that they would just get down to the dirty business.

Turns out that when the male gets all up in it and finally lets loose, so to speak, they become attached, like literally. The dog penis gets all swollen and gets stuck in the female for 2-30 minutes of SUPER fucking awkward silence.

IMAGINE if this happened to humans!??!!?

I don’t know what I’d do, but I think I’d probably invest in some chloroform. Like, what the fuck would you talk about for 30 minutes being stuck together? Would you try and take a shower? Would it hurt? Would there be some “unstuck cream”? What if you did it all impromptu in a bar bathroom and were like “OH SHIT I FORGOT MY PENIS GETS SWOLLEN AND STUCK IN YOUR VAGINA AND NOW WE ARE ATTACHED AND I CAN’T DO SHOTS!?!?!?!?”

What if you finished way too early and she was not happy with you at all? She’d give you the stink eye while you laid stuck together through a whole fucking episode of Will & Grace.

Man, talk about taking all the fun of going “look over there” and running out of her room.

Works every time!

Anyway, even though dogs are all getting stuck together, they are apparently passing Doggie Flu to each other locally too

If you have a dog in Macungie, you better get it some fucking Chicken Soup and some doggie Benadryl, cause it’s gonna be a long summer…

What could be the Lehigh Valley’s first case of canine influenza has been reported at an area kennel. Although the rare disease usually isn’t deadly, complications can become serious if not treated.

A 2-year-old female Norwegian elkhound tested positive after being taken to
Alburtis Animal Hospital in mid-May for a persistent cough and runny nose, according to veterinarian Daniel Smith.

Smith sent a nose swab sample to
Cornell University, which confirmed the presence of canine influenza, a disease that first appeared in 2004 at a Florida dog-racing track.

The dog developed the symptoms after a stay at the Cold Nose Lodge in Alburtis. Since early May, more than 40 dogs sheltered at the kennel have shown symptoms, kennel owner Rayne Reitnauer said Monday.

Reitnauer closed the facility for three days over the Memorial Day weekend, giving any remnants of the airborne virus plenty of time to die out.

”Today is our first day back to normal,” she said. ”We clean like crazy. Even if you don’t clean, the virus can’t live for more three days on a surface.”

This is the first outbreak Smith knows of in the Lehigh Valley. The danger, he said, lies in that the canine flu can easily be mistaken for the milder ”kennel cough,”which also can be contracted after contact with other dogs.

Dog owners should be alert to any nasal discharge or general lethargy, he said. Canine influenza is not contagious to humans, but is easily spread among dogs. Dogs are usually treated with antibiotics to ward off any secondary infections.

But on the whole, canine flu is rarely fatal. Only a small percentage of the original cases in Florida resulted in death, Smith said, and he suspects the average pet would fare better.

Yeah, that’s usually how you should take care of an airborne outbreak, just close down the kennel for a few days, go play some Bridge at the senior center, then come back and don’t test for it or anything YOU STUPID DOG HATING FUCK!!!!

Whatever, canine flu is apparently a poodle of a virus and your dog isn’t going to die, it’s just going to get all stuffed up and tell you it’s way too fucking sick to make it to obediance class.

See all comments: Join the discussion

TWITTER me TIMBERS!!!!! (Pass this along)

I’m making a Twitter push today. So, if you could, pass along my the Lehigh Valley with Love Twitter feed to any and all you know, and people you don’t know. And people you MIGHT know. And even some people you WANT to know and get naked.

Cause, if you pass along the LVwithLOVE twitter, WHO WOULD NOT want to get naked with you?

I have no idea.

I mean, seriously. Do you have a better pick up line? Cause I fucking don’t.

Just copy and paste this and tweet it: RT @LVwithLove wants to get to 500 Followers today. Why? Because then we are all going to have a party. No, really, downtown, in July…

Do you want me to wipe your ass too? Get moving.

Anyway, I’m going to try and hit 500 today. That’s 200 more people than the 300 and change I have now, which means that it’d be a pretty decent, if not lofty, accomplishment, but like my teacher used to tell me, “If you can show up for work, you’re not an alcoholic.” Wait, what?

That was the wrong quote…

See all comments: Join the discussion

Man Shoots Imaginary Burglar

This. Is. Ridiculous.

So, everyone, at some point in their life, has come home to their house or apartment or dorm and and had the feeling that someone else was there or that someone had been there, etc. We all know the drill.

What’s the typical response? Eh, I guess it depends on the situation, but turning on the lights, having a friend come over, MAYBE calling the police if shit is really fucked up, and generally leaving the scene, are all good reactions to this type of situation.

Shooting at sounds through the walls in a house that you share with your family MAY not be the most prudent response, however.

A 30-year-old Bethlehem man thought someone was in his home Sunday night and fired a single shot through an upstairs room, police said.

David Rodriguez, of the 1100 block of Arcadia Street, told police he came home Sunday night and heard someone upstairs. Rodriguez grabbed a handgun and crept upstairs.

He believed he saw a burglar in an upstairs bedroom and squeezed off a shot. The projectile traveled through two walls and a bureau, according to Lt. Joseph Kimock. No one was in the room, police said.

No other shots were fired, and no one was injured. Police recovered the bullet and shell casing. Nothing was stolen from the home, but police are still investigating the incident.

Rodriguez lives in the home with his family, police said. Source

Point 1: If he THOUGHT he SAW the burglar, why wouldn’t he just put himself in the position to actually shoot him without the resistance of fucking walls?

Point 2: WTF?

I’m sorry, but this is fucking scary as shit. If he had a more powerful weapon, that bullet could have easily have traveled into another home, or adjacent home, jesus FUCKING christ dude, seriously, what the FUCK??!?!?!

Besides, if I was the burglar, I would have already have stolen the fucking gun by the time I got upstairs.

Douche. I’m tired.

See all comments: Join the discussion

Forks Township, Summer time, Bears, Oh Why?

There are BEARS in them thar woods!

Seriously, you have to love when people freak out over the fact that wildlife are around their neighborhoods. You’re fucking eating up their land and you can’t just ship them off to reservations like you did with the Indians, animals are much less reasonable.

So, get ready for some bear maulings. I wouldn’t let my toddler play outside with a jar of peanut butter.


Forks Township police said they have received several reports of bear sightings over the weekend in neighborhoods throughout the township.

Chief Greg Dorney said police received three reports, one as recent as this morning, of bears wandering around homes. He says the bears have not harmed or threatened anyone. He said he does not know if it is the same bear that people have been seeing.

The first report came in shortly before 1 p.m. Sunday when a bear was seen near the 300 block of Dogwood Terrace, according to police records. The next call followed shortly after 1 p.m. on Frost Hollow Road.

This morning’s report came about 7:20 from a home in the 1300 block of Hawthorne Drive, according to police reports. In all instances, the black bear was seen roaming around and police lost sight of it.

Dorney said his department generally receives reports of wandering bears this time of year. He said bears come out of their dens, but natural food in the area tends to be scarce until summer. Source

Natural food being deer….groundhogs….. um…. livestock? Berries!! Yes, bears it berries and fish.

My buddy actually posted about this to his facebook last night, saying how the bear was in his backyard and raping his lawn ornaments or something.

So, for the people in Forks Township, don’t worry about a fucking thing. That bear jumping over your fence probably just wants to play a game of Texas Hold ‘em. He certainly wouldn’t try and break into your house on the account of the fact that he is starving.

Besides, when the “natural food” comes back in the summer, they won’t want to go to the place where they learned they can get food in dumpsters, garbage cans and kindergarten playgrounds without having to hunt it down. Right there, chief?

Umm, no. Once they figure out they can eat shit without having to work for it they are going to just continue to milk that gravy train. Just like your mother.

Yes, that is apparently the actual photo of the harmless bear who just wants to find his way back to Madagascar or something… Seriosuly, don’t mind him. He’s harmless.

See all comments: Join the discussion

Be Skinny and Happy, Children! That’s the ONLY WAY!!!!

Losing weight is simple.

Don’t eat as many calories and go walk.

I mean, I know everyone wants to make it this big fucking ordeal with points or carbs or whatever. The point of not being fat is simple: Just burn more calories by working out while eating less of that fucking KFC.

Some people will never be skinny, that’s just the facts. Well, they COULD be skinny, but they would also NEVER eat, which would suck. Some people are just naturally fucking bigger. If you want to be skinny, just give up eating. Everyone loves the look of hip bones poking out of your elastic skin.

I’m not as in shape as I used to be, but, fuck, if I want to lose 10 pounds it comes down to one simple fact: Do I want to give up eating Big Macs? When I decide that I do, then I’ll fucking stop. Until then, grease me the fuck up.

Losing weight, just like any other lifestyle change, comes down to straight and simple willpower. Sucks, because we want to make it all fucking complicated so that, if we fail, we can just say, “Well, it’s fucking tough, I have to count these points and then I have to not eat carbs after 6 p.m. and I can’t eat red fruits on Wednesdays…” blah blah blah. Fucking go for a jog fat ass.

DID YOU KNOW that one of the fatty pantses from “The Biggest Loser” works at one of those fake charter schools in Bethlehem? She sure does.

And, did you know she’s still kinda not fat?

AND, did you know she’s trying to get all of her high school students to NOT be fat?

Kelly Minner, director of academics at the Lehigh Valley Charter High School for the Performing Arts, thought it was important to share with her students the life lessons she learned as a contestant on the 2004 edition of NBC’s “The Biggest Loser.”

Minner, who lost 79 pounds during the inaugural season of the show, partnered with colleagues to set up a Biggest Winner contest at the school so that students who face challenges with weight can learn about managing it earlier in life than she did.

"Although you can do this at any age, I wish I had learned this before I was 28," Minner said. "And not just because now I am thinner, it is because of what it has done for my confidence."

Minner has maintained a healthy weight loss of 90 pounds since appearing on the NBC show “The Biggest Loser” in 2004.

The program targeted students and staff who had a body mass index of 25 or higher and provided weekly meetings during the three-month contest. Speakers came in once a month.

Four out of the 11 students who originally signed up for the contest completed it and, in some cases, were shocked at how unhealthy their lives were.

Crista Woychowsky, who lives in the Wilson Area School District, won the contest, losing a total of 14 pounds. In lieu of the Wii first prize, she opted for a $250 cash prize that she plans to use for a bicycle.

"There were so many people and we were working together," Woychowsky said. "When we had problems we could talk about it and try to find ways around them."

Woychowsky will attend Northampton Community College this fall and is seeking a career as an art teacher. Source

Holy SHIT she was big.

I often wonder about fat people having sex. I’m not fat, now I’m not saying I’m Adonis, I’m not, but I am saying, is it more fun or less fun for them?

Like, if you’re all big and fat can you basically just kinda throw your bodies at each other like some big fucking sexy sumo wrestling match and oil each other up and just kinda bounce around the motel room like two hippity hops on crack?

OR it would suck because all the good parts are hidden by big belly buttons that hang down over your jeans zipper?

I dunno, the jury’s out.

I do know that I had a friend who weight 135 lbs in high school lose like 10 lbs in one fucking day to make weight for a wrestling match.

He also puked 47 times, took some water pills, laxatives and ate water, but he did it.

I mean, you can pretty much do anything if you put your mind to it.

Oh, and that kid who said she’s going to buy a “bike” with her winnings? SHE PASSED UP A FUCKING WII????? Um, Wii fit?

FUCK you. I’ll see your fucking bike and raise you a Bowflex that you don’t buy anything but Snickers.

Pssst.. Kelly, call me, I have an Ab-Flex.

See all comments: Join the discussion

Woman Toes the I-78 Line, Loses

I hate Mondays. Not as much as Garfield hates Mondays, but probably pretty close. I just hate the fact that I have to look at a whole week of stuff I need to do before I get to the weekend. At least Benjamin Franklin invited naps, so I got that going for me.

People are apparently all sorts of crazy, to the point that I’m not super surprised by much. It takes a lot to shock me. It’s not that I don’t notice things or think that they are odd or off kilter, it’s just that it takes a lot for me, and probably most of the over-media-saturated general populous to go, “Fuck…didn’t see that coming.”

Well, one of those days was when I was driving on highway just outside of Cherry Hill, N.J. I think it was Route 31 or something, I dunno. It was three lanes, however, and I had a full car of passengers.

We’re going along and I see this figure up in the distance (it was daylight.) As we get closer, I realize it’s a girl, well, woman, in her late teens, early 20s most likely, WALKING on one of the dotted white FUCKING lines in the middle of the road.

Sooo, me and everyone else on the highway slow the fuck down, but it was still packed on the road and we had to just inch by her. I look in my rearview mirror to see her blonde hair getting thrust by her as each car whips past. She’s laughing hysterically.

A woman was killed when she walked into the path of a tractor-trailer on Interstate 78 in Allentown last night, according to state police at Fogelsville.

The identity of the woman is being withheld until her family is notified.

A news release from state police said the truck driver, Robert D. Christian, 41, of Stone Mountain, Ga., was not injured. He was heading west in the right lane when the woman walked into his travel lane at mile marker 56.7 around 9:35 p.m.

State police said more information will released upon further investigation.

There really is no fucking reason to cross a highway on foot. I guess if you REALLY need to get to the other side, but, a MAJOR highway? Like 22 or, in this case, 78? No fucking way.

It’s like playing Frogger with your face and a sledgehammer. Fuck that prospect.

So, sadly, the family in this case probably won’t get much closer since the lady is a permanent part of this guy’s truck now, and that sort of sucks.

I’m ASSUMING she wanted this to happen? I mean, you don’t just walk onto I-78 at 9:35 p.m. just because you dropped a penny.

See all comments: Join the discussion

Go to the St. Nicholas Greek Festival

Well, it’s that time of the week, my friends, and I’m less than two hours away from a beer and a shot being nestled between my liver and spleen, somewhere down there where “magic” happens.

However, I am going to be somewhat sober enough to find my way to the greatest little fucking festival that I never knew existed until I literally stumbled into it.

I was walking down the street on Union and there were all these really tan people with dark hair and I smelled what may be the closest thing to perfection ever. Every since that day I always make it a point to go to the Saint Nicholas Greek Festival each year.

Seriously, they aren’t even paying me for this shit, in fact they were like "No, no, no really, please, you don’t have to post anything about our festival. No, seriously. Please. Don’t."

There really isn’t much information about it on the Web, apparently the Greeks aren’t that great with the Internet yet, but the church’s Web site does have a few tid bits of information and directions to get you there.

Yeah! Wonderful. Oopa! Ommpa? Oprah! Right? I dunno.

Whatever, all I know is the St. Nicholas people know how to have a good time and make some of the best food ever ingested.

Keep it safe, Lehigh Valley!

See all comments: Join the discussion