The Lehigh Valley. Allentown, Bethlehem, Easton and everything, and everyone, in-between.
  • Blackmans Cycle Center
  • iMobileRescue.Com
  • Townsend Insurance
  • Webfoot Digital
  • Run Lehigh Valley Cinco de Mayo 5Kish
  • lehighvalleywithlove@gmail.com

Lehigh University Student Makes Up Story

You know when you’re watching a movie and the main character is somewhere in New York City walking around and it’s getting dark and there are a million other people around and then all of a sudden the music changes from some nice 80s happy Michael Jackson to some eeri Bjork slow tempo thingy and then EVERYONE in New York City the person was walking by just mysteriously disappears and it gets dark and they are now in some seedy area of town and some shady figures are (pausing for a breath…) following them and then they start running and then they fall and the car won’t start and ….

A 24-year-old Lehigh University student said three men in hooded sweatshirts followed him from the university’s library in the wee hours of the morning, then chased him in the 700 block of East Fifth Street.

Christopher Perry told police that he noticed the men shadowing him, turned at one point and heard one man say to him, “What are you looking at?” Perry began to run and the men followed. The incident occurred at 12:04 this morning, police said.

At some point, Perry said, he shed his book bag and fell. When he got up, the men were running away and his bag was gone. Police said Perry had textbooks, a calculator and various sundries in the pack. Source

Sundries, REALLY? You had to use the word “sundries”? Whatever. Since the reporter is smarter than ALL of us and wants to make sure that YOU FUCKING KNOW IT and use “sundries” instead of “other items” I call dickhead!

So, yeah, this kid lost his bookbag somewhere and wanted to make it seem like he had a cooler story than he had.

I mean, if I was going to report it stolen, I’d at least say I had something cool in there, like 27 iPhones or an old vibrator or a few copies of The Satanic Bible.

This guy’s kinda boring. Who would rob him?

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Smokers are F**ked at Rodale

It’s just a matter of time until no one smokes any more. Well, no one who isn’t a trucker/waitress/stripper/mechanic/prostitute. It’s just not socially acceptable to politely light up and slowly kill those next to you.

I smoked for awhile and quit. I smell better. (But, let’s be real, I ALWAYS smell good.)

Rodale, famous for Runner’s World and other fitness type magazines, put the kabosh on smoking on public grounds a few years back, so employees did the logical thing and all quit smoking.

HA. No, they just moved across the street into a Emmaus Borough Park and began to leave their trash behind.

Emmaus Borough Council isn’t happy, saying the workers are littering Furnace Dam Park with their cigarette butts, leaving the mess for the borough to clean up.

Borough Council on Monday voted 5-2 to send a letter to Rodale, publisher of health-oriented books and international magazines such as Men’s Health, Prevention and Organic Gardening, asking the company to allow smoking somewhere on its property.

A Rodale spokeswoman said Tuesday the company will ”cooperate in any way we can.”

Residents have complained that Rodale employees regularly gather at Furnace Dam Park, across S. 10th Street from the company, for smoke breaks.

Councilman Brian Holtzhafer said the park is littered with butts. Last year, his wife, Jenae Holtzhafer, wrote to council complaining about people smoking in front of her young children.

The company banned smoking at its properties in March 2008. It was one of the first companies in
the United States to ban smoking in its workplace in the 1960s, following its health-conscious ethic, and does not accept advertising from tobacco companies. Source

Time to stock up on nicotine patches, kids. Now, I understand that not everyone at Rodale is a super stud runner or anything, but you would think that being surrounded by all those shiny happy healthy people all the time, you’d eventually just want to quit smoking. Not to mention they have fitness rooms and shit on site…

Oh, I’m fucking tired today. That happens when you go out way too late.

So, bear with me.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Broken Windshields and Bacon Pie

Here’s a reason to never leave your house ever again.

Have you ever been driving and something flew at your windshield, like a plastic bag, leaf, pile of snow, small child and you instinctively “ducked” even though you were protected by the windshield.

Yeah, this guy did the same thing, and died.

A 13-inch chunk of concrete that flew Friday through the windshield of a car being driven by a Monroe County man on the Pennsylvania Turnpike in Carbon County, killing him, was kicked up out of damage in the roadway in a freak accident, police said today.

State police at Pocono said the concrete that killed Pierre Louverture, 48, of Emerald Boulevard in Long Pond, probably came from a damaged area on the right side of the Turnpike’s northeast extension in Franklin Township, near the bridge that takes the road over Route 209. The concrete came from the roadway, not the bridge, police said.

Police said the concrete, which was 13 inches long, 6 inches wide and 6 inches deep and weighed well over a pound, likely was kicked up by a vehicle, but couldn’t say precisely what.
Source

Couldn’t say what??? You just said it was a fucking piece of concrete!!! Did you not read your last sentence and fact check it against your next sentence? Seriously??? No wonder there are no newspapers left.

Wait, were they talking about the vehicle? Either way, it isn’t very clear! Fuckers. Seriously.

Anyhoo, this is a sad story. What makes it sadder is there is no way to avoid something like this. Once you choose to go behind the wheel, you’re at the mercy of so much shit there’s no much you can do.

Reminds me of Radiohead’s “Killer Cars” great fucking song.

That is the actual photo of his windshield up top.

One time I had to do the same thing, but it wasn’t because someone had got hit by concrete, it was because my mom was falling asleep and figured that while she was driving would be a good time.

Oh, before I head off and start to get completely trashed and then tweet about it and make a fool out of myself to any potential girlfriend by trying to act cool and subsequently covering her with my spittle and/or misplaced hands (cause I’ll end up thinking it’s a massage parlor) I have to give you this incredible link!!!

A very nice young woman I know runs a cooking blog locally and I talked to her about Bacon Pie, since, as you may well know, Bacon Pie is the best thing ever. So, please go here and read it about it.

Then make it and send it to me.

Yes, I ended a post about some guy dying by making you go to a blog about fatty food.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Obama Mentioned Someone. OMG! OMG! OMG!

This isn’t a political site and it will never be, however, I’ve read enough versions of this fucking story that I’m tired of reading versions of this fucking story.

President Jesus Obama mentioned the BLUE MONKEY and its owner. HOLY SHIT. OMG. You have been touched by the grace of god.

President Obama addressed a group of small business owners from across the country at the White House Monday morning. Among those in the audience for the speech, which was seen live here on WFMZ.com, was Brian Conrad, owner of the Blue Monkey sports restaurant in North Catasauqua, Northampton County.

"When Brian’s company eliminated his department… he lost his job," said Mr. Obama. "But he found his calling and started doing all kinds of work on a restaurant called the Blue Monkey, which now employs some 40 people in Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley.

Mr. Obama announced plans to use $730 million from the economic stimulus package to cut fees and increase government guarantees for loans made by the Small Business Administration. The goal is to help small businesses create jobs.
Source

See, what does this type of story (which was covered by all major local media outlets) tell you about the Lehigh Valley? It tells you that we are still mesmorized by shiny things like fame, popular culture and power. Something larger or more sosphisticated areas are, well, not.

So, Obama mentioned you. Do you think he sought out that specific information? No. Someone else picked it up from somewhere by someone for some reason. So, the reason he said it was just by chance. It wasn’t like he was cruising the fucking Blue Monkey web site looking for something to do on a Friday night and said, “SHIT Michelle, I’m going to talk about this backwoods bar in my next speech!!!!”

It was handed to him, he read it, that’s it. He could care the fuck less about the Blue Monkey.

The day we’re not all fawning over the fact that someone important said something about us is the day we actually grow up.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go read about how George Washington slept at the Sun Inn in Bethlehem. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

St. Patrick’s Day in the Lehigh Valley is for Drunks!

I totally forgot that today was St. Patrick’s Day until my liver reminded me (that and a few text messages) that I have to immediately go to a bar after work. Do not pass closet, do not collect new clothing.

I have no problem with this. And while I will have to wash my clothes tomorrow to get out the stench of cigarettes and slutty perfume, I am looking forward to celebrating this completely pointless holiday.

I do remember one of the first times I sincerely celebrated St. Patrick’s Day in an adult fashion. I must have been 21 or 22 and the holiday fell on a Sunday. I was in college at the time so Sundays were reserved for working off hangovers or watching “Saved By the Bell” over and over again.

I get a phone call around 10 a.m. or so. It’s my brother (who is ten years older) who happens to be down the street at the OBT. I take my girlfriend at the time down with me and the place is packed. Packed to the fucking gills at 10 a.m. on a Sunday where football is not involved. I drank, we drank. It was sloppy. I vaguely remember carrying my girlfriend home. Like caveman, over the shoulder, carry.

I think that was the day my eyes truly opened to the idea of what drinking and drinking on St. Patrick’s Day, specifically, was all about.

That being said, I’m leaving here ‘round 5 and heading out in Bethlehem. And while I may say that I will not party that hard because I have to work in the morning… I think we all know where this is headed.

Here are a few things going on today…booooring, but then again, maybe you are too!

— The O’Grady Quinlan Irish Step Dancers will perform today at the Bethlehem (5:30 and 7:45 p.m.) and Allentown (5:30 and 7 p.m.) Brew Works locations. Dancers will perform in the main bar areas. There’s no cover, and there will be Irish food and drink specials.

— Eat an authentic Irish meal today at Porters’ Pub in Easton. The menu will feature Irish stew, corned beef and cabbage and, of course, a pint of Guinness.

— The Union Station Grill in Phillipsburg will stage its fourth annual St. Patrick’s Day celebration tonight. Irish step dancers and bagpipe players will entertain the crowd. There also will be Irish dinner and drink specials. Source

While Allentown may have some deeper Irish roots, I’m looking forward to not having to step foot in a car once my first drink goes down.

Oh, that and the fact that girls are drunk on St. Patrick’s Day. Drunk girls apparently have sex with anyone…just saying.

Hit me up if you want to meet up or want to read my personal twitter blog.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Man Really Wanted to Rob a Store, Hide in Strip Club. No Dice.

If, hypothetically, I was going to rob some sort of gas station I would probably NOT want to get caught. The reason being, that I would like to spend that money on stuff, that’s the whole reason I fucking robbed the place in the first place!

Now, hypothetically, if I were to rob said gas station, I wouldn’t PLAN on getting caught, either. As in, I wouldn’t go into it figuring, “I’m going to get caught so I am going to hide out in this strip club.”

OH, oh oh, and I wouldn’t, hypothetically, PULL A FUCKING GUN ON A COP unless I wanted to 1. die or 2. die.

A Bowmanstown, Pa., man was arrested and charged with attempted homicide early Sunday morning after he pulled a gun on a Lehigh Township police detective during a traffic stop, court records say.

Lehigh Township police Detective Robert Hawke was explaining field sobriety tests to Stephen Garger, 34, when Garger allegedly reached behind his back and pulled out a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver. Garger pulled the hammer back and put his finger on the trigger, records say.

"You ruined my plans," Garger told Hawke, according to court records.

Hawke, who was about a foot away from Garger at the time, started to back away and eventually was able to get Garger to drop the gun, records say. While en route to Palmerton Hospital for a blood test, Garger told Hawke he was on his way to the A Plus convenience store in Bath to rob it. Source

Ok, HOW this cop didn’t shoot him, I have no idea. I’ve never really been in sort of any short range gun fights, well, recently, but I would have to figure that you shoot and THEN ask questions, because have you ever thought about taking a bullet in the genitals? FUCK I would not want that to happen.

There was another report that said he had planned to rob the place and then wait for cops to come find him at a strip club. I guess that WOULD be the first place I would look if I were a cop and was trying to find the guy that robbed a convenience store.

Oh, “convenience” is one of those words I can NEVER spell. I could be looking RIGHT at the fucking word in front of my face and still not spell it right. It took me five minutes to even get that up there in the correct letter order. I have no idea why, but that word does not make ANY sense whatsoever in my head and my brain refuses to allow me to spell it. I have to pretend it’s just a string of nonsensical letters and then put them down one at a time, slowly, and we’ll get that one up there.

Thanks to Mcguire for e-mailling me this one.
0
 comments: Join the discussion

Wind Gap Woman Beats Ex With Shovel

Hey, if you’re going to go nuts, you might as well go nuts all out. Use whatever’s around, bite, kick, scratch.

A 39-year-old Wind Gap woman faces charges after she struck her ex-husband in the head with a metal shovel Sunday morning, police say.

Debra Shallo of the 800 block of North Broadway attacked her ex-husband, Ernie Shallo, while he was at the home with Debra Shallo’s brother, police say.

Debra Shallo began screaming at Ernie Shallo and then attacked him, police say. She also allegedly bit her brother’s hand during the incident. Source

She’s digging herself a “Shallo” grave. Haha, get it? Her name’s Shallo… Oh, whatever. I’m fucking tired and was up WAY too late last night to be typing today. I’m surprised I’m able to put together full sentences.

A shovel is no joke. There aren’t many other household items that could pack as much punch as a shovel. I mean, lawnmower perhaps, but that seems pretty hard to pick up and swing.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Salisbury Man Ruined His Life

There is no reason to try and do underage chicks. There is especially no reason to try and do chicks to whom you are supposed to be a role model and/or teacher to. Yeah, it’s just not right. In fact, I had a girlfriend in college who told me how she dated her soccer coach in high school. It was some long and drawn out relationship and it made me all uncomfortable just to hear it, much less think about it.

Oh, yeah, this guy’s life is over. Good job, idiot.

A Salisbury Township man who teaches music at Upper Perkiomen Middle School in Montgomery County is facing criminal charges for allegedly engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a middle school student, according to Montgomery County District Attorney Risa Vetri Ferman and Upper Perkiomen Police Chief Michael Devlin.

Brian A. Miller, 27, allegedly engaged in a relationship with a 14-year-old female student, kissing and fondling her on school property and sending her text messages that were “sexual in nature” over the course of several weeks, according to Ferman.

Miller is scheduled to turn himself in for arraignment on the charges at District Judge Catherine Hummel-Fried’s office in Red Hill this afternoon.

According to a news conference at the District Attorney’s office in Norristown, Miller is being charged with indecent assault, unlawful contact with a minor, criminal use of a communication facility, corruption of minors and endangering the welfare of a child.

Authorities said the investigation began March 5, and Miller has been suspended from the school district without pay since that date.

According to information at the news conference, Miller was described as “very popular.” In addition to teaching music, he is an adivsor to the middle school’s drama arts group, technology group and chorus. He has worked at the school for about six years
. Source

Who thinks they are going to get away with this? Oh, and 14 is borderline pedo. Wait, is it pedo? But, honestly, who thinks they can do this? Do you really think that a 14-year-old girl isn’t going to tell someone her teacher touched her tits? She’s probably fucking blogging about it to all her friends AS it happens.

Go egg this guy’s house. Or, just punch him if you see him in public.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Man Reaches into Grandma’s Bra for Cash, Not Boobs.

I’m not a woman, so I don’t have many witty things to say about where they hide things. Obviously, if you’re at least a little bit endowed, I would assume a bra is a good place to hide things that are not susceptible to the horrors of boob sweat. Acting as a mule and hiding things in a vagina doesn’t sound like an appealing endeavor, but I guess that’s been done too…

Ick.

Anyway, this grandma had the presence of mind to hide her valuables from her greedy grandson and put them in her old granny bra that was probably a mixure of off white and gray.

He decided he didn’t care that he was about to nearly expose his grandma’s boobs.

A 25-year-old Williams Township man is accused of having no shame after allegedly reaching into his grandmother’s bra and robbing her of $10.

Blair Cressman, of the 200 block of Industrial Drive, lifted Virginia Cressman’s shirt and plucked a wad of credit cards and cash from her bra, police said.

The grandmother told police her grandson begged her for money in the wee hours of Thursday morning, and she turned him down. She took a wrapped bundle of cash and credit cards from her front pocket and tucked it into her bra, according to court papers.

But modesty didn’t stop Cressman from getting his hands on his grandmother’s cash. After allegedly stealing $10, he rode away on his bike, police said.

Cressman was charged with robbery, theft and harassment. He was sent to Northampton County Prison in lieu of $18,000 bail. Source

I like that the reporter was having some fun here, but he’s not “accused of having no shame,” he’s accused of theft and definitely DOES NOT have any shame. My grandma would have bitch slapped me, thrown me down a flight of stairs, drug me through a pricker bush, have me hose down her porch, take her to the grocery store and then brush my teeth if I did something like that to her.

Here’s the kicker though. He’s 25, he stole from his grandma’s boob wallet and then took off on his bicycle.

I hardly think that he’s going to make it through a week of prison.

Oh, FYI, I am leaving early bc I am headed to a wedding in Bensalem, Pa. today. (Wedding at 4:30 p.m. on a Friday afternoon? Yeah, I know.) I will, however, be doing a live tweet from my personal twitter account, so, if you want to participate send an e-mail to lehighvalleywithlove@gmail.com and I’ll give you the twitter addy.

I’d post my personal one here but, I don’t want some hooligans writing anonymous bad things about me on the Internet. I mean, what kinda jerk would do that?

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Astroturf is an Ugly Green Anyway

Of course, when something fun happens, no newspaper wants to post images of it lest someone see them and think “well, that’s fun, let’s do it.” This happens a lot with streakers. Obviously, television channels don’t want to show the man bits, but they also don’t want people to get attention for doing something like that, because then other people will want the attention.

Let’s just be adults about all of this and someone send in some photos of this:

Authorities are offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of whoever vandalized the artificial turf at Salisbury High School.

Someone entered the stadium at 500 East Montgomery St. on Monday night or Tuesday morning and used spray paint to cause extensive damage to parts of the field and track area, according to a news release from Salisbury Township police.

Police ask anyone with information to call the tip line at 610-402-2400 or police headquarters at 610-797-1447. Source

$1,000? That’s it? Hmmmm.

Well, maybe. I mean, I could see these little hooligans going into school today, the $1,000 reward being read over the morning announcements and all three of them collectively filling their pants with piss because there is no way that other people didn’t know about this.

Sell them the fuck out.

Oh, in other news, when I was in high school some ass in a pickup truck went and did doughnuts on an athletic field. I was called into the office the next day because they thought it was me. No, they KNEW it was me and were all about how I did it and I was going to be in deep shit and all that.

Turns out, not only did I not do it, but I was drving a Sundance in high school. It couldn’t cut through a half an inch of dirt.

You know, I hate being too cool for my own good sometimes.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Well-Read Bethlehem Gang Banger Stabbed

Update: Yes, it is true, this stabbing did occur on the North side, but it was in Pembroke, AKA “the little south side,” thanks for pointing that out, though!

I really wish they would start arranging Bethlehem related stories in two categories: north and south. If I see a headline that reads “Bethlehem Man Stabbed,” I’m like, “Holy shit! That could be someone I know, someone down the street.” But, then I read it and it has references to Fourth Street and “near Lehigh” or something and I’m like, “Oh, THAT Bethlehem…”

A 23-year-old man was stabbed numerous times Wednesday afternoon in a Bethlehem home where police said they later found an assault weapon in a closet and drugs and cash stuffed inside a dryer in the kitchen.

Angel Rafael Jiminez, of Bronx, N.Y., was slashed in the face and neck and stabbed once in his torso. He was in serious condition at St. Luke’s Hospital-Fountain Hill.

Police are looking for Luis Rodriguez-Soto, 27, of Bethlehem who is charged with attempted homicide, assault and other crimes.

Bethlehem police Detective Mark DiLuzio said police are investigating whether the stabbing is gang-related. A search warrant inventory states ”gang literature” was found in a backpack in the house at 1104 Dover Lane, along with unidentified drugs, cash and ammunition.
Source

Ah, yes I remember studying Gang Literature in college. One of my favorite courses, actually. The classics like “The Old Man and The Semi-Automatic” or “Pride and Penitentiary” or “For Whom the Gat Tolls,” and, of course, my favorite “Biggie Shrugged.”

There is some scary shit going down on that side of the river and I’m not sure if the presence of a casino is going to just serve to quiet the attention it receives while it continues to get worse.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Prom Duo Continues to Make Life Awkward

So, I’m not saying, I’m just saying. But, this is not going to end well. There is no way that the Prom duo, who are now going to appear on a Philadelphia News station, have anywhere to go but down.

To recap: Kid asks girl to prom by planting clues, she freaks out and is now all happy and going to the prom with him.  But I’m just sensing some sort of apprehension in her eyes. It’s the same look that girls get when you chain them to your radiator for a week and then they start telling you that they love you just so that they can get a few peices of meat. I hate that fucking look.

This kid, Dorky McDorkstein, is not in love, as it were. He is merely infatuated with the idea that an actual card-carrying vagina haver is interested in talking to him.

I’m sorry, the cuteness of all of this shit has worn off. Um, first of all, why hasn’t he gotten beat up yet, number one. Number two, there is NO KID in her high school that wants to just bang her for the sake of being the dude that brought down the love of the century? C’mon.

Horns beeped and passers-by gave the thumbs up as Zach Heffelfinger and Adriana Nikles recreated Zach’s romantic prom invitation for a Philadelphia television news camera outside Central Catholic High School in Allentown Thursday at noon.

The Emmaus High School junior and the Central Catholic sophomore whose story became a media sensation kissed and hugged for the camera in another wave of media attention that has young couple’s heads spinning.

"It’s exciting," 16-year-old Adriana said, as she waited to be interviewed by NBC 10 reporter Stacy Weaver. "Everything has happened one thing after another."

The couple first made news Monday when Zach stood outside Central Catholic with two dozen roses and a giant handmade sign asking Adriana to the Emmaus junior prom.

In the news segment, which will air at 6 p.m. tonight, the couple talked about how they first met and how the sudden fame has affected their lives. Adriana’s mother, Melany Nikles, and Zach’s father, Scott Heffelfinger, also were interviewed.

Adriana and Zach said they enjoy trying to surprise each other and both have something special planned for Easter. And Zach promises that there will be another special surprise for Adriana at the Emmaus prom on May 2.

"I’m not done yet, America," Zach said.
Source

Yes, he said that.

Now, Zach, what exactly are you not done with? Your ridiculously large mouth? The fact that you are obvisously suffering from some sort of personal issues related to a failed relationship with your mother? The fact that you are now DOOMED for the rest of your life to constantly up yourself, no matter if you are dating Tubby McTubbTubb up there or some new girlfriend you successfully lassoed in order to take home?

Oh, and he’s clearly gay. But, that’s neither here nor there. I just hate to think how the actual prom is going to go. Is he going to have to pick her up in a helicopter? This bitch is going to want it all now.

Either way, when they break up. America will cry. And it’s all your fault, Zach. All your fucking fault.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

John Karoly, Jr. is Douchey McDouche

Ugh, there is apparently nothing else going on in the Valley today, so I’m forced to post about this retard. Man, he sucks.

If you’re not up to speed, it’s pretty easy. John Karoly, Jr. is a prominent area lawyer, kind of the Johnnie Cochran of the Lehigh Valley. He’s tried a lot of cases, some that were infamous, some that were famous. He successfully sued Bethlehem over the death of a drug dealer. He successfully sued Easton on behalf of a former star wrestler who took on some cops. 

His brother was a lawyer as well. He actually seemed like an ok dude. I met him once while covering something about the old Allentown Ambassadors. Good guy. That brother died in a plane wreck. So, John Karoly, Jr. is now charged with altering his bro’s will to get more money out of it.

On top of that, he also is charged with this:

Today’s indictment alleges Karoly failed to report $5.3 million in taxable income for years 2002, 2004 and 2005.

He is also charged with making a fraudulent $500,000 donation in 2004 to the Lehigh Valley Community Foundation, a nonprofit organization in Allentown.

In December 2005, Karoly created “The Urban Wilderness Foundation,” became its president and had sole signature authority. On Dec. 6, 2006, Karoly asked the Lehigh Valley Community Foundation to transfer the $500,000 donation he gave them to his Urban Wilderness Foundation, even though he had already taken a tax deduction for this contribution.

When LVCF decided that Urban Wilderness did not qualify as a charity to receive the funds, Karoly allegedly recommended the money be sent as a charitable grant to his church, Dubbs Memorial United Church of Christ of Allentown, which was a tax-exempt qualified organization.

The foundation made $433,569 in grants to the church, then Karoly then told the church to return $383,569 to him through “The Urban Wilderness Foundation.” Officials allege the funds were not used for charitable purposes, but helped pay for funeral and catering expenses for his brother’s memorial service. Source

Hey Greedster, why not leave some money for the rest of us? Honestly, he has to already be making hundreds of thousands of dollars as a prominent lawyer. So, he has to go ahead and defraud a church?

I mean, COME THE FUCK ON, I don’t even think Gargamel would pull that shit. It’s like, HOW MUCH do you want to have? Isn’t there a point where having too many flat screens is a bad thing? Do you want 50 Porsches or 51?

I know everyone says that if they won a million bazillion dollars tomorrow they would donate some of it or buy their relatives all sorts of houses. But, would you really? Or, would you be like Crappy Craptista here and just keep hoarding all the cash you can?

Tell me what exactly you would do for a fucking Klondike Bar, bitch!

0
 comments: Join the discussion

Nazareth Vandals are Uncreative and Stupid

I think the statute of limitations has elapsed, so I’m free to speak about this. When I was in middle school me and a neighbor would go out on some Saturday late nights in my sleepy neighborhood and go up to the church on the hill and rearrange the letters on their sign to read funny things like “Jesus Cock.” or “Free Bingo for Bitches. Sunday.”

Stuff like that. We did not, however, merely take the letters and leave an unintelligible mish mash of words. The whole point was to make people smile while also pissing off the creator of man on Sunday morning.

These guys are douchey:

Three teens face accused of vandalizing the Nazareth’s library now face felony and misdemeanor charges, police records say.

The teens allegedly took letters off the library’s sign, stole the American and state flags and dumped trash cans, police say.

The teens accused are a 17-year-old from Bushkill Township, a 17-year-old from Upper Nazareth Township and an 18-year-old from Gillette, Pa., who was 17 at the time of the incident, police say.

The names of the teens were not released because of their ages at the time of the incidents, said Nazareth police Chief Michael Sinclair.

Police say they discovered the teens involvement in the incident during a review of old cases.

"We kept seeing a pattern of juveniles being contacted repeatedly by officers," said Nazareth police Detective Frederick Lahovski.

Charges against the teens have been filed with Northampton County juvenile authorities. The teens are charged with institutional vandalism, insults of national or commonwealth flag, desecration of flag, loitering or prowling at nighttime, theft, receiving stolen property, criminal mischief, desecration of venerated objects, disorderly conduct and criminal mischief. Source

They apparently also broke into a shitload of cars and whatever. We would put oranges on people’s antennae’s because we wanted to watch them drive away with a big organge dangling all over like a fat man on a telephone pole.

They should get an extra week in juvy for not spelling anything fun out. Hmm, don’t have time to see what they COULD have spelled, but I think you could come up with something creative, no?

Oh, bang up police work there too, Nazo cops. I would think that the teenagers who you repeatedly “visit” for vandalism MIGHT just be involved in some new vandalism. Thank god we have Sherlock Fucking Holmes protecting the entrance to the Slate Belt.

0
 comments: Join the discussion

We Should All Be At This Rape Trial

Law and Order should have its own channel. Seriously. There is no reason why Law and Order, in all of its glorious forms, should not have it’s own network. It basically does with TNT already, but there are more than enough people who would watch that channel that it would do well and be an immediate hit. More people would watch that than G4 or MTV2. I gurantee it. Then again, I own neither the rights to Law and Order nor do I have a television channel that is currently empty, so I will remain unrich.

For the people who write Law and Order: SVU (wouldn’t that be funny if it was SUV and all the stories were about sport utility vehicles?) THIS is a good story to put into a show.

Dysfunction and drug use are themes of the rape case against Richard A. Ratushny.

— A mother who testified she hit her 13-year-old daughter, called her a slut and ordered her out of their 
Hellertown home after the girl told her Ratushny had sexually abused her.

— An aunt who, the daughter said, took her in and “partied” with her, sharing crystal meth and other drugs.

— A two-year period between 2004 and 2006 in which prosecutors allege Ratushny, 44, of Bethlehem sexually assaulted the girl while she lived with her mother and while she lived with her aunt, and also provided her alcohol, cocaine and methamphetamines.

Today, the trial took another twist, when Ratushny’s defense lawyer said a scar that runs south from his client’s belly button will exonerate him, since the girl did not mention it in testimony.

"Is that something you’d miss when you were having sex all these times?" attorney Erv McLain asked jurors of what he described as a 6-inch-long and 3/4-inch-wide scar. He promised jurors they would see a picture of it. "He never touched her," McLain said.
Source

Who knew Hellertown was this much fun?!?!?! I certainly didn’t. All I know is they have some caves there, no not Steven Russo caves, like caves that go back in time and have glow in the dark rocks and stuff. I toured that once and wanted to set up an apartment down there.

So, yeah, the story goes on to say that this chick doesn’t know the scar so she won’t be able to blah blah blah blah blah whatever. Even if he doesn’t get convicted it’s not like her life is going to be all peaches and cream anyway.

Well, I mean, nevermind. Her life sounds like a fucking awesome coke party and everyone is invited. I wonder if she has a sister. I’m on the market.

0
 comments: Join the discussion