March 2010
54 posts
If You Work in Jersey You May Have to Live In...
Well, in a story reminiscent of the Civil War, New Jersey state legisluture (ha) is thinking about FORCING government employees to live in the state, which somehow seems unconstitutional to me? I mean, I haven’t read the fucking thing since 6th grade, but isn’t there some sort of provision in there that says you can live where you want?
I mean, sure, I get that it’s better for...
Awww This is a Cute Attempt (Real News)
So, when I first started writing on here to clear the boredom of every day life, all the local papers could fucking care less about me because, you know, they were selling papers and shit.
Now that no one even wants to pick up one of those fucking things they are going ahead and emulating. Now, I guess you could say this is a form of flattery. However, it’s not because there is no way in...
Shoot Out in ... West Bethlehem? Whaaaaaa?
Apparently people from Easton have been spending too much time in Bethlehem because there was a shoot out there today and I’m not too happy about it.
I RUN by this freaking place. WTF? Deal drugs across the river where you are supposed to. How am I supposed to forget about all the starving people, the homeless and the orphans in the world if I have real fucking life cropping up every so...
Man Used Comfort Inn to Cook Meth
Meth seems to be like a pretty cool drug. From what I hear you lose your teeth and start picking at your face until there are holes in it and then you go super crazy nuts when you start coming down and oh oh you can even get superhuman strength because you basically don’t really feel any pain.
OH OH and it makes it so everyone you know hates you and keeps you from having a job and probably...
We Have a BAC Champion Folks!!!
In the fine, yet short, life of this fine Lehigh Valley With Love site, we have come across more than a few people who have drunk themselves into Bolivia.
There was the lawyer who drank himself to a .39 BAC after he was stopped for driving without headlights.
Then, more recently, there was the mother of the year who drank herself to a stupor of .399 while walking around the streets of...
Woman Tries To Burn Her Way Back Into Her...
I remember I got locked out of my apartment one time and I didn’t have my landlord’s phone number and my cell was dead and I was like, “Well, this sucks.”
So, after 30 minutes or so of trying to figure out if I could get through a window and seeing if there was anyone else in the building who knew the landlord’s name, I just said fuck it and broke the door and got...
Don't Help Dead Possums
I am off to a weekend of scouting out Sterner’s Island and swimming in the Lehigh in March while also visiting Olio, that new restaurant downtown in Bethlehem. I’m not linking to it because I’m lazy.
So, I wanted to leave you with this fun story to begin your weekend.
Just when I honestly thought I had read it all….
PUNXSUTAWNEY - State police have charged a...
Dorney's New Ride May Be The Anti-Christ
Remember when the Tampa Bay Rays were the Tampa Bay Devil Rays? They had to take the Devil out of it because people who call themselves “Christian” yet are somehow the most intolerant people in the world, decided that it was offensive.
Seriously, if Jesus was real he’d look at the Christians and be like, “Um, guys you TOTALLY got what I was saying wrong, idiots.”
...
7 tags
Is the Lehigh Valley Where the 1980s and 1970s Go...
So, Bryan Adams played at the Allentown Shooter Symphony Theatre the other night. Lynyrd Skynryd (well the undead ones) are scheduled to play at Musikfest this year. YES (which I went to) and STYX have been at the festival in the past and Moody Blues was just recently announced to be playing at the Easton State Theatre.
Which brings me to this……
Is the Lehigh Valley a time machine?
...
Joseph Maher to Allentown Cell Phone Ban: "F@#K...
So, the Allentown Cell Phone ban is in effect and that means while within the city limits of Allentown (but not on 22 or 78) you cannot be on your phone without a hands free device and cannot text or use it for pornography.
One of the problems with this ban is that it’s not congruent with State Law. Now, I guess technically cities shouldn’t be making these laws because imagine how...
Bangor Sink Hole
Hahaha,..pfbttt
Hehehahaha, oh cmon. That’s the best haha, phew. OH man. That’s the best title ever…
Freaking Bangor…
Police are investigating a sinkhole between Division Street and Brown Avenue in Bangor, according to Northampton County dispatch. A witness said the hole is in the street and is approximately eight feet across and eight feet deep. Source
THAT’S...
Oh My. Penis Exposition in the Sands Bathroom
Apparently everyone today is about being a criminal at a casino.
Ok, so, public nudity? Generally it’s not such a great idea. However, one time me and a friend of mine traveled to Whippany, NJ where we attended something called the “Totally Normal Event” where we wanted to see a band we loved (The Luminescent Orchestrii) play a gig.
What we didn’t know is that The...
Drunk Allentown Neon Cyclist Loses Prostate
Did you know you can get a DUI on a bicycle? Basically, you can get a DUI on anything that you can ride on. LIKE YOUR MOM!!!! OH SNAP….
Anyway, public drunkenness is one of those great things in human existence. I wonder if, sometimes, alcohol allows us to all truly be who we want to be deep down inside, just shouting profanities, peeing wherever we want, fonding girls, showing boobs. It...
Man Punches Slot Machine
This is one of those stories that I’m like, meh…
I mean, every day I live this life of complete and utter wonder. Wonder in the sense that when I’m driving by the bank and I see a man pissing on it at 11 a.m. I go, “Really? This is happening?”
Then, maybe later I’m at Steelgaarden and realize that there are seriously 6 guys in there wearing blue shirts with...
Emmaus Gets Minor League Baseball Team
Just kidding. But, since you live in Emmaus and are now reading this… apparently you are not immune to the trifles of other great Lehigh Valley communities such as “Erroneous” Easton or “AK-47” Allentown or even “Narcotics” Northampton.
“Egalitarian” Emmaus no longer. (Ok, so that definition doesn’t QUITE fit, but since you’re too...
I Would Steal These Razors Too
So, of the few things that I purchase on a regular basis, razors are the worst. They cost like $500 for a pack of freaking five disposable razors. Are they made of Jesus’ armpit hair woven by a unicorn? They are so ridiculously priced that I THINK it’s actually cheaper to just buy a new razor every time and use the blades they include with it.
Honestly, it’s some sort of racket....
Don't Be Hispanic in the Poconos
Remember those kids in high school who would wear the “DARE To Keep Kids Off Drugs” T-Shirts but they were really the biggest druggies in school? Oh, the sweet hipster irony. That’s where America is btw, we’re so fucking crazy, fat and lazy that the only thing that gives us any enjoyment is being ironically tragically hip. It’s true. We don’t really care about...
Drunkest Mom. Ever.
Wow I have a serious case of the Mondays. That doesn’t matter, however, when there is super important news to be shared with the world.
Now, there is no shame in occasionally tying one on. In fact, some can say that blowing that type of steam off every once in awhile is good for you.
However, when getting your BAC to nearly 1/2 half alcohol, it’s generally not a good idea to be doing...
GET OFF YOUR FREAKING PHONE (Allentown)
Well, it’s official, the Allentown cell phone driving ban is totally in effect and you WILL be tazed, arrested, cited, be told sternly to get off the phone if you don’t comply!!!!
Well, I guess the cops aren’t going to go balls the the wall just yet on motorists who don’t read the paper, or can’t read the paper, so they are just going to tell you that you can’t...
What's Better than a Drive By in Easton? A Musical...
After the success of Tunes at Twilight in Bethlehem the past two years, it seemed like a good idea for other cities to try something similar.
The concept is simple. If you provide free musical performances by quality local acts then people will come to your downtown area and hopefully you can make them buy some shit.
I love Tunes at Twilight because it’s relaxing, packed with people but...
McDonald's Helps Solve Allentown Woman's Mugging...
I love McDonald’s, this is clearly evidenced here. I know fast food is awful for you, but it’s not my fault I was graced with a fast metabolism. As age creeps on me, however, that metabolism is slowing down. This doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop eating McDonald’s, I’ll just have to forgo the extra double cheeseburger sometime soon :( Not good.
McDonald’s is...
St. Patrick's Day is for Drunks (LVScene's Places...
Ahh, St. Patrick’s Day. The holiday no one knows anything about save the fact that they are supposed to get shitfaced because the Irish are big drunks.
Wow, I just realized how incredibly racist that is.
Imagine if we celebrated Italian day by greasing up our bodies and fist pumping everyone.
Imagine if we celebrated Black day by heading to KFC.
Imagine if we celebrated Jew day by not...
State Sens. Lisa Boscola and Pat Browne not into...
Our favorite political drunk driving duo, Lisa Boscola and Pat Browne, recently introduced a bill that would make it illegal to swap your wife with a hooker, another wife or a farm animal in most Pennsylvania counties except for the ones just under Binghamton, NY.
You know, I never really understood “swapping.” I mean, sure, I can get how you’d get bored of doing your wife if...
Bangor Teacher's Aide is BACK AT IT
By “back at it” you thought I meant “taking naked photos of herself and sending them to students,” didn’t you?
*wags finger
Bad, reader. Bad.
No, after the Bangor teacher’s aide, who is not named by the paper or the district (but I was sent her name and totally tried to friend her on Facebook and it still says “awaiting friend confirmation”) sent...
Weird Robber Asks Victim To Forgive Him in...
When I was in high school some crazy man stumbled through our little community and tried to break into our house one day. Now, he was super duper crazy; clothes that barely fit, a half cocked stare, a nearly visible stench. So, I hasten to say that he was probably trying to break in to find where the silly leprechaun he was chasing hid his box of Cheerios and wasn’t actually there to cause...
Finder's Keepers, Stupid Heads
You get what you deserve, right? I mean.. sometimes you mess up enough that you should be like “Hey, ugh, fine, I messed up and I lose.”
I’m not making sense. Here’s the example: If you just won $150 at the casino on a slot and you print out the voucher and leave it at the freaking slot machine, sorry Charlie, you lose. You shouldn’t complain at all if someone who is...
Back to the Grindstone.
Cliches are stupid. I don’t use a grindstone. I’ve never used a grindstone. Why can’t we come up with something more interesting? Like…. “back to the boring job that saps your life away”? That’s more accurate for this day and age.
ANYWAY, after all the date excitement, it’s back to the.… keg stands.
Some woman in Bethlehem was threatened with...
The Date Results!!!!
Do da do. What? What’s are you asking me? Yes, yes, the weather is abhorrent. What? The Flyers kicked ass this weekend? Tiger Woods is a douche? What? OH OH OH. You want to know how my DATE WENT. Don’t you?
Well, of course I planned it out perfectly. However, Earth was a total jerkhead and it rained like crazy and my umbrella turned inside out five times like a bad old English...
This Date is SO ON.
Sooooo, Saturday is my big date challenge with Rebecca Wilder from the Singled Out in the Lehigh Valley blog. If you don’t know about it, then you’re stupid, but also just go here to catch up.
Basically, she dates boring dudes and has an awful time so I said, “Hey, I will take you on a date and your head is going to explode.” And she was like, “Awesome, I’ll...
It's Going to Rain and Flood and We Are All Going...
There was a huge flood in like 2004 or 2005, somewhere in there, right when my first niece was born. Monocacy Creek turned into the the Mighty Mississippi and me and my brother (along with a ton of other local residents) decided to head down to Monocacy Park with the infant in tow and watch the raging rapids.
Now, she was totally safe and all, but, in hindsight, maybe not the best idea ever?
...
Coffee Party to Meet in Bethlehem. Hippies.
I don’t mind a good protest. I mean, it’s great to pretend that there is a big conspiracy that is conspiring against you so that you can justify your feelings without actually having to come to the conclusion that some things, even with change, are going to remain the same and then you could adequately cope like an adult.
Then there are these .. people
A local chapter of Coffee Party...
Easton Grandma Beats Kids!!!
My grandma never beat me up. In fact, I don’t think she ever hit me. I think my punishment was more or less her making fun of me, which, in hindsight, worked pretty well. Like, if i was crying or something, she’d be like “You look like a fool and your face is going to stick like that and it is going to be hilarious.” Or if I was bored she’d be like “Only stupid...
Note To Parents: Keep the Guns and Video Games...
Remember when they used to be like “OMG, Grand Theft Auto is going to turn all the kids into thugs!!!” ? Well, it didn’t. I mean, it’s a pretty healthy and cathartic way to get out energy, I think. I mean, if you can kill someone in pretend life, you probably wouldn’t be so apt to do it in real life, right? Just my thought.
Anyway, remember when they also said...
Man's Penis Legally a Deadly Weapon
Remember when Magic Johnson got AIDS? I do. Well, I don’t remember like exactly WHEN he got it, but I remember him being on TV saying he got it. And, at that time, one would think “Oh, man, Magic Johnson is SO going to die in like a week.” But, lo and behold he’s still alive and kicking and how did his wife NOT divorce him? Amazing.
Anyway, AIDS has come to the point now...
You Spring Forward This Sunday (Three Weeks...
Springing forward BLOWS.
BLOWS BLOWS BLOWS!!!
As you can see on this picture, Blue are areas that currently use Daylight Savings (I have been informed by an uber anal individual that it’s Daylight SAVING time, we can all sleep better), Orange are the areas that gave it up and red are the areas that do not observe daylight saving because they are too busy fighting wars.
And because...
Hate Mail!!!
As one could imagine, I receive a truck load of hate mail (but I receive a barge full of love letters) anyway, the one I got yesterday was super fun, so I decided to share it with you. Names have been removed to protect the innocent!
Well, hey, let this be a lesson to you everyone!!! LOCK UP YOUR FACEBOOK. If you have a picture up and someone can link to it, then take down the photo and the...
Total Bar Fight at Magnolias!!!!
So, if you’ve never been to Magnolias in Orefield, then you wouldn’t know that it’s pretty nondescript. No, that’s wrong. It’s mildly descript. It a quaint, apparently former home that has been converted into a bar/restaurant and if I was really old I would probably hang out there a lot because it’s a nice place. I have only been there one time, but the one time...
SOME GUY FROM EASTON WON AN OSCAR!? (lies)
I promise you I’m not a day late on this I just really had problems writing about it since it is such a load of shit.
Besides that, I was really excited to get home last night because Double Jeopardy with Ashely Judd was going to be on TV and if ever where was a film that DESERVED an Oscar and did not receive one, then Double Jeopardy was that film, followed closely by Kiss The...
Chucky Cullen Serial Killer's Ugly Mug Brought...
So, you’re familiar with Charles Cullen, AKA The Angel of Death? Probably the only other serial killer who operated in this area besides Harvey Robinson.
Ok, so Cullen killed tons of people (nearly 30 or so) by injecting them with shit when he worked as a nurse. For more reading on Cullen, hit up here.
I don’t know why I’ve always been fascinated with serial killers. I mean, I...
Pen Argyl Snow Police
UGhhhh.. can it PLEASE just be spring already?
Honestly, the air smells like spring, doesn’t it? I mean, when it’s like 5 p.m. and the sun is setting all pink-like and the air just smells and nice and Downy fresh, I mean, you know that spring is coming. There is no more WINTER. I mean, winter, really, we totally got the idea. You can stop now.
Last month’s major snowfalls were...
Best. Date. Ever. is Coming!
Sooooo, remember when I totally called out Rebecca Wilder and was like, you won’t go on a date with me because you only date not fun dudes?
Well, she accepted my challenge and, um… now I have to come through with the BEST DATE EVER like I promised!!!
Crap!
Due to the site’s strong following, there has been significant feedback on the article and particularly since my challenge...
Remember Zach and Adriana? F*#% Them! They Totally...
So, do you remember Zach Heffelfinger and Adriana Nikles? Remember??? The high school couple from Emmaus last year that was going to BE IN LOVE forevers?!??!!
RECAP:
As students streamed out of Allentown’s Central Catholic High School at dismissal today, girls shrieked and giggled when they spotted Emmaus High School junior Zach Heffelfinger. He was holding a dozen roses in each hand. In...
I Challenge You, Rebecca Wilder, To a Date with...
UPDATE! Rebecca has ACCEPTED my challenge. Please use the comments section below to suggest activities! I have already secured a professional photographer…
So, there is some 32-year-old chick who blogs about dating and stuff in the Lehigh Valley. She never seems to find luck, but has some good tips and stuff for those who are looking pa nub in all the wrong places….
Her own dates,...
32-Year-Old Cougar Does 15-Year-Old Boy!!!...
Remember in middle school when all the chicks wanted older dudes who were in like 8th and 9th grade? What bullshit. Those guys were such freaking tools. Just because they were a grade ahead and had cars… wait, no… um jobs, wait.. no… what DID they have that I didn’t have in 7th grade? Nothing, that’s what.
And when I got to 8th grade all the 7th grade girls were...
Allentown Bans Cell Phone Use While On...
So, Allentown banned the use of cell phones while driving… Wow, wait, is this a “progressive” Allentown City Council measure? I’m golf clapping. (Is golf clapping still funny? Let’s pretend it is, just one more time.)
I’m kinda astounded. This is a great move, it’s the right move and I hope that they enforce it starting 10 days from now when it goes into...
Knight Rider Fails to Pull Woman Over
You always hear that whole thing about not pulling over if you can’t see if a cop car is really a cop car?
I guess that only works when it’s really not a cop car.
Because, I kinda have a hard time thinking that a cop would treat you nicely if you didn’t pull over until you got to a well-lit Wal-Mart parking lot to make sure the officer was real. In fact, I think the officer...
Is That a Banana In Your Pocket Or Are You Just...
Remember the guy who dropped his wallet at the scent of the bank robbery?
Yeah, well he’s going to go to jail for awhile.
I never knew he had an overly ripe banana in his pocket though. I wonder if this changes him from, “dumbest bank robber ever” to “dumbest bank robber ever who still gets adequate potassium intake.”?
A Philadelphia man who stuffed a rotten...
Oh, Irony...
So, a guy who was out and about delivering snow removal fliers, got himself stuck in the snow….
This is called irony…
When you’re delivering snow-removal fliers, the one thing you don’t want to do is wreck in the snow. But that’s allegedly what happened last week to Joseph Arnold, 49, of the 1600 block of Rosalie Drive in Lower Saucon Township, township police...
Everyone Hates/Loves/Hates the Casino (Also,...
Remember that first super awesome debate on politics you had in college (or vo-tech school) and how you were like “wow, I feel like a substantial and worthy human being who is now totally seeing things for the way they are and how our government is really out to get us and we’re funding wars across the world and i could fight about this alllll day!”“
Yeah, that was soooo...