December 2009
59 posts
Happy New Year! (Butts?)
Thanks to everyone who pops in here and reads a little bit each week about the true people of the Lehigh Valley and what crazy shit they do every day. Honestly, this writing this stuff couldn’t be easier. In fact, I can do this while drunk. I do this while I’m playing Chess. Seriously, it takes no talent.
That being said. I’m looking forward to three things in 2010.
Charlie...
Not Everyone Agrees with Lehigh Pub Sucking...
Ok, I’m posting this ONLY because the blogger used the term “cunt-nugget” and had a rebuttal to my naming Lehigh Pub the shittiest dive bar.
I assume she has some accurate points here… but she also basically called every other bar full of “townies.” See, that’s an OK assessment for places like Joe’s Tavern and such, but not for places like the...
Top Three Lehigh Valley Stories of 2009...
Bye bye 2009. I will miss you and all your crazy awesomeness while I hit up the Casino for a bit after work and then try and drown my sorrows in copious bottles of alcohol while kissing my hand at midnight.
But, enough about me, you want to know what the best Lehigh Valley stories were of 2009, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?!?!?
Click the date to go to the original story and if you want...
Best and Worst Bethlehem Bars of 2009 (LVwithLOVE...
Contrary to popular belief, I have not been to every bar in Bethlehem, Pa so far this year, so, I asked around to some people who are better alcoholics than I and have come up with a pretty decent list of the best alcohol selling establishments of 2009.
I figured it was only fair to group them based on what they actually were. See, you can’t really compare a place like The Firehouse with...
Best New Lehigh Valley Blogs of 2009
Oh, 2009, you silly little year filled with drunken promises of change, girls turning 18 years old and Obama pretending he is Jesus… I will miss you.
However, since the year is coming to a close, Lehigh Valley With Love thought it would be a great time to perhaps round up a few different local things/blogs/events/stories/hot chicks in an effort to provide some perspective into the year that...
Open Facebook Profiles into Domestic Dispute...
I felt bad that a friend of mine missed out on a open Facebook profile yesterday because the person closed it up too quickly, douche. So, it was my pleasure to be able to finally give him a Christmas gift in possibly one of the best open profiles I have yet to see….
It all started with a little domestic dispute in Bethlehem.. just a teeny tiny one apparently between a member of Megadeath...
Man Hit By Tow Truck on Airport Road (Ouch)
True story. I was driving this morning and coming to a four way traffic light intersection. There was a man who was crossing the street ahead of me (I had a green light) and he did not ONCE turn around to even check to see if there were cars coming. Keep in mind this is about 8:00 a.m. and you would assume that there is some sort of traffic in Bethlehem for people going to work.
Obviously, I...
Saucon Valley Kids Have to go to School Because...
How would you like to be a teacher at Saucon Valley when every student there knows that the reason they are in school to make up for lost time is because you were part of a strike that made it so?
Eh, I’d say not so much. In FACT, if I was a student, I would be fucking ecstatic to be in school on such a day when I could completely and rightfully tell the teachers that they are punks. YOU...
Everyone Got Drunk Saturday, Many Got Arrested...
(Photo Removed due to request from nice girl in photo on 1/12/2010. See, I am a nice guy….)
So, I went out Saturday night and got pretty tipsy in Bethlehem, however, I decided against getting arrested because not getting arrested is the number 3 item on my New Year’s Resolution list….
1. Grow a kick ass mullet suitable for a work environment.
2. Get my chest waxed by an Asian...
Boy Charged For Mooning (And Some Genitalia...
What’s the world coming to when you can’t moon people? I guess… there are circumstances surrounding certain moonings that would make them less desirable. I mean, you have to really just expose the first 2/3rds of your ass, if you go any further you run immediately into scrotal or vulvular exposure and, while that may be fun in some aspects, it’s usually not something that...
When You Fall Asleep Drunk at the Wheel...
True Story… one time I was drunk and me and my girlfriend at the time were heading back to campus. Well, for some reason I got the car parked (perfect park job between two trucks) and we just fell asleep right there. Wtf?
Anyway, I am awakened to the tap of a police officer’s baton/dildo thing on the window and I wake up. I’m kinda like, “Where the fuck am I? Also,...
Even International Students Can Still Enjoy...
I included some Facebook pages for your additional enjoyment….
Since it’s Christmas Eve and no one is reading this, I figured I’d include a story about those who are “less fortunate” than us on the holidays. Namely, foreign students who are “forced” to stay on campus and miss their families….
For the roughly 150 international students at...
Naked Woman Flees House... Gets Arrested
In college we used to do this stupid “tradition” of running naked relays.. It was… drunken and I saw some things that I can’t unsee, however, it was a good way to pass a good 10 minutes until campus safety arrived and everyone scattered off into the woods.
One time, however, a female friend of mine (who was pretttty intoxicated at the time) managed to flee the field the...
Who Steals Peeps on Christmas? REALLY???
So, Peeps, whether you think they can survive an atomic bomb or not, are great. I mean, not great in the fact that they are tasty, they kinda aren’t, or even great in the fact that they can compliment some sort of alcoholic drink or meal, they really can’t. HOWEVER, they are great because they are fucking Peeps and you want to eat them even if you don’t know what is in them! I...
Best Idea EVER (Selling Wine in Vending Machines)
I’ve always marveled at the Japanese vending machines that dispense beer and other sorts of alcoholic beverages. I mean, what’s fucking better than walking down the street than walking down the street drunk????
Hint: Nothing.
So, if this whole thing goes through, then that would maybe be the best thing ever because not only can you get drunk from a vending machine, but it will be...
Mom Leaves Kid at Home and Goes to Bar (Guess...
If you guessed EASTON you win!!!!! Ding, ding ding.
Sadly, I’ve heard of this happening before. I’ve had someone (this was totally unbeknownst to me, BTW) leave their 11 year old at home for like 30 min to come out and see me. WTF?
Anyway, I guess there are circumstances where someone may have to leave their teenager or at least 12 year old at home for a short amount of time....
Bethlehem Kid Punched in Face for Throwing...
OOhhhh meatheads. I do miss them sometimes. Their unresolved logic. Their fly off the handle aggression. Their inability to read. Their fun attempts at math. Their working in real estate now or with dad. I do miss them. They made life, a little bit more liveable. Even if their behavior was ridiculously predictable, at least you had SOMETHING to look forward to on a Friday night. Besides, they made...
Man Bodyslams Pregnant Girlfriend
That’s no typo and apparently “bodyslam” is an acceptable term of physical altercation.
I used to be a moderate fan of the WWF when it was the WWF and not whatever it is now. It was around the time I graduated from cartoons to real people TV and would watch all the best. I used to love the Brooklyn Brawler because I felt so fucking bad for him. How did they keep giving him a...
Brothers Steal Dad's Snow Blower and Pawn It...
So, if you’re going to pawn something, you’re best off pawning something that you think people are going to 1. probably want to buy and 2. that the pawn shop guys know that people want to buy.
I mean, if you try and go pawn your old Sonic the Hedgehog video game cartridge, you’re probably not going to get much for it. However, if you’re pawning the Hope Diamond, you...
How Lehigh Valley People React to Snow...
Well, anyone who thinks that whole little dusting was a snow storm this weekend really needs to grow a pair. Where I grew up, we didn’t even start to see how many inches fell on the ground until it started to cover street signs.
People of the Lehigh Valley react to snow in one of two ways:
1. They super overreact and think that that world is going to come to an end and they spend all day...
I Love Lehigh Valley Transplant (Also some Child...
Okay, so I officially have a crush and a new favorite blog! Lehigh Valley Transplant. Go to this super awesome site about life, eats and arts in the Lehigh Valley by some girl who won’t return my e-mails :( SAD! What do I have to do to get noticed anymore? Seriously. My thought is that I should ask her to go “cover” some event or something, right? That way it will look pseudo...
Child Care Center / Child Porn Center?
Ok, so I still don’t get what people get from looking at child porn. I can ALMOST get a foot festish (I mean SOME feet are hot) and I can even ALMOST understand why men dress up in womens’ underwear. However, why anyone would like to see a child naked is 1. beyond me 2. fucking disgusting and 3. a punchable in the spleen offense.
SOOOO, if you’re doing that shit and you happen...
Girl Bites Assistant Principal at Liberty (Stupid...
So, now that every girl thinks that the best way to get a guy is to be a vampire or pretend you’re a vampire or search out vampires on Craigslist, we’re going to be seeing a lot more of this type of activity.
I think it’s time for parents’ groups to step in here against films like “Twilight” that glorify the biting of other people in hopes of making them fall...
Man Can't Stand (at) Sands
My buddy apparently upset the brass at Sands and has a hit out on him for reviewing the Carnagie Deli and basically calling it crap… but, whatever, he’s not close enough that I have to fear for my own life. But, I wouldn’t want to piss of the casino too much, they can do whatever they want to you and your family and everything. Scary, scary shit.
On the other hand, if...
Man Living in Storefront to Raise Money for Kids....
Soooo, when I was in Amsterdam, we stayed in the Red Light District because they had the cheapest rooms. It was pretty economical and the floors were made of rubber. No lie. Also, I didn’t change or take a shower for two days because I refused to to allow my skin to touch the sheets in that place.
Anyway, the Red Light District is pretty much what you think it is. There are literally plate...
Don't Die Alone! Do Awesome Things!
I distinctly remember being in a McDonald’s one night about ten years ago. I think we stopped there on the way home from a track meet somewhere and were all ordering. It was dark out, pitch black and you could see the car headlights streaming by on whatever highway were were near.
And there was this older man, probably in his 60s or so, sitting by himself at a table near the window just...
Skate Park Gets Saved (Also, Hot Skater Chick...
I’m not a skater. In high school, all the skater guys were kinda what the Emo guys are now, except they didn’t seem to cry as much. Come to think of it, I don’t remember the skater guys (and girls) doing much actual skating. I think one time we went behind the Kmart for some reason or another and that was like their “headquarters” where they could skate off concrete...
Easton Police In Search of Random Black Dude at...
Ok, so black people are black, right? I mean, can we all just be fucking adult here and realize that they are harder to see at night or in dark situations than ugly fat white people or even stupid hispanic people?
I don’t get why we are so hung up on shit that’s the truth. It’s just the way shit is going to be and that’s that. If you want to get hung up on all this...
Parents are Stupid so Blinds are Recalled
This is a national story with local impact if you are a parent who leaves their children home alone by themselves for extended periods of time.
From a child’s point of view, EVERYTHING is dangerous. See, kids are stupid by nature, they can look at a spoon and go “what the fuck is this for?” and jam it in their eye. They aren’t exactly good at deduction yet, so ANY and...
How I Almost Got Deported and Some Other Related...
I’m not a super huge advocate for or against all this illegal immigration shit. I mean, we are a nation of immigrants, however, I do understand that just allowing any and everyone in can cause problems and blah blah blah….
INSTEAD, I have a great story on how I was almost deported once!
So, me and a friend of mine were visiting this girl in London I was dating. She was super hot and...
Robbery at Auto Zone Be Serious, Yo
So, there are armed robberies were the person has a water pistol or an air rifle and they still scare the shit out of people because, unlike water guns years ago, the ones they make now are basically copies of actual firearms. So, you can’t blame a store clerk for flipping the fuck out and handing over the money.
However, when someone comes in with a pistol AND a rifle (both of them real)...
Tis the Season for Stabbing People in the Butt
If I had to get stabbed and it had to be in a place that wouldn’t kill me, I guess I would probably go for the bicep or something. Or at least like through a toe. Getting stabbed in the buttock would suck because, as most people can attest, especially my buddy Glenn, getting sharp object impaled into your buttocks sucks because then you can’t sit down or anything for awhile and, well,...
Pot Brownies Sold at Parkland! Typical Girls Ruin...
So, there was a time (is it still going on?) when people ALWAYS made the unfunny joke about there being “pot in the brownies” or “what’s in THOSE brownies?” or “those brownies are laced with a preparation of dried leaves from the Cannabis plant!”
Yawn, OK we get it. Unfortunately, despite the many jokes and nuances, there was almost always NO pot in the...
Charlie Dent Makes First Strike! (Johnny Casino)
The Charlie “Dashing” Dent versus Johnny “Casino” Callahan deathmatch for congress has officially begun with Dent making the first AWESOME strike!!!
For background on this battle, read this post first.
So, Dent “robocalls” thousands in Bethlehem. Now, normally, robocalls are bullshit and you just want to hang up right away. HOWEVER, sometimes they can be...
Something Happened and Something Might Now Happen...
This may be the single most stupid story I have ever read.
Ok, so there were some off duty Wilson cops involved in something outside a pub, but no one will say what! So, until there is some actual information, let’s just make sure to get it on the Internet as fast as possible so that the only thing an informed reader can do is speculate, the exact thing that you’re not supposed to...
Whatcha Doing With My Safe? Oh, You Just FOUND It?
You know that awkward moment when you catch someone in a lie, but they keep the lie going only because if they don’t they are going to be caught in a lie and have to admit it, but then they just end up looking stupid because you KNOW they are lying and they keep on perpetuating the lie?
Yeah, I do that all the time… Hmmm…
Anyway, if you steal someone’s safe and they catch...
Don't Take Up Two Parking Spaces at the LV Mall...
I do nearly all of my shopping on Christmas Eve. I’m not exaggerating for effect, either. I just kinda already know what I’m going to get, so why get it ahead of time and stand in line for some deal when I could be out enjoying life and playing Uno for money? I just make a list of things I need, then I head out that day somewhere I can get all that stuff (I MIGHT go to two stores if I...
SERIAL Parking Offender on the LOOSE!!! (Lock Up...
Everyone knows that the Bethlehem Parking Gestapo Authority is staffed by a bunch of jerkfaces who literally drive around in the “two hour parking” zones and will mark the tires of cars that don’t have permits, then come back and ticket them later on. There have been more than a few times that I was ticketed back in the day when I was under the two hour limit. See, I moved my car...
Man Steals Purse and Gets Chased Down. FAIL
So, if there was ANY crime that I feel I would be adequate at, it would be that of purse snatching. Besides the obvious awesome name that comes along with the crime, I feel that I am faster than most women who walk around places I walk around. I just don’t think that they could chase me down and, besdies, when they chase me down what are they going to do? Beat me with their PURSE? HA!
So,...
Churches Let Homeless People In and Want You To...
It’s the holiday season so I’m not going launch a ruthless attack on churches just because, buttttt, when they are in the news for ALLOWING homeless people to sleep there, it’s kinda like, really? I know, I know, they are underfunded and understaffed and blah blah blah, but wasn’t Jesus underfunded and understaffed? HMMMM wasn’t HE ?!!??!?!
Bethlehem’s...
Hunter Baits Bear With Unidentified PASTRIES!
I remember watching Yogi Bear when I was a kid vaugely. Like, I KNOW I watched it, but I can’t, for the life of me, remember any of the hijinks he pulled. I just remember him and his little retarded buddy running around with a picnic basket they must have stolen and the ranger dude was chasing them around.
Why not just EAT the ranger dude. Did he have a gun? Hold on a second here…....
HOLY How Did This Woman Not Die?
Old people SUCK at driving. I have always said you should have to take a test after 65 or something to make sure you can still drive properly, because some of those geezers are a menace to society out there going 5 mph and running over everyone’s municipal parks and shit…
A 75-year-old Hackettstown woman suffered back and leg injuries Monday night after her vehicle veered over an...
You Know Table Games are Coming
Remember when they were like, “Hey, we want to build a Casino and we’re totally only going to have slot machines and won’t have table games for like, um, 10 years or something, ok?”
And everyone was like, “Yeah, ok well I guess that’s ok if you just promise only to have slots or video dealers for a long time.”
And then they were like, “Yeah,...
Dead Man Found Near Casino. Coincidence? Hmmm?
So some hunters found a decaying man’s body beneath the Minsi Trail bridge, not far from the Sands Casino. Now, there is absolutely nothing yet that suggests (that we know of) that this man was murdered or that he was murdered FOR OWING MONEY TO THE MAFIA!!!! RAR GOODFELLAS ATTACK!
A man’s skeletal remains were found by two hunters in Bethlehem on Saturday afternoon. The remains were...
Obama Flips John Callahan the Bird
Oh, did everyone see Obama flip John “Casino” Callahan the bird while he was speaking in Allentown?
Well, just for the sake of you having to go and search for this, here it is:
Obama you little trouble maker you!!!
Woman Assaults Husband with Ashtray
True story: I once dated a girl who loved to throw things and also brandish them. She’d throw whatever was near by without any real care for what she struck. She also threw my new iPod I just got for my birthday down the street because she was drunk. Life is full of fun little caveats like this and give you reason to continue to look for women who are not emotionally unstable and choose to...
Man Fondles Boobies in Car Then Lies About it
So, boobs are cool and all, I mean, nice boobs, not those side boobs that are all gross and sad looking and not the fake ones either, the ones that are all swollen and too hyped on caffeine. I’m talking about just regular nice corn fed boobies. There is just something very homey about them. That being said, I can’t fault a guy for wanting to rub his hand across one, however, this dude...
Steve Russo is a DOUCHE
OMG OMG OMG OMG Steve RUSSO! If you haven’t read about Mr. Russo, I don’t feel like rehashing the whole underage stripper pole sex den thing so just go here.
Ok, now that we’re up to date on this awesome scumbagasaurus, he’s FINALLY going to prison!!!! And he totally tried to be a dick to the judge! It’s true, it’s true. Read this shit.
Northampton County...
Obama Doesn't Care About You Like I Do
You ever watch the news and you see all those protesters with their shitty signs being all like “we’re going to change something”? Yeah, well, no one fucking cares about your shitty protester signs because they are busy getting shit done while you’re on strike/unemployment/welfare and using your free time to use your different colored Sharpies.
But, whatever, people will...
OMG OBAMA!!! WTF LOL
So President Obamarama is in town today and everyone is like “Holy shit, Obama is in town.” Whatever. It’s like, so what if the most famous person in the history of recorded history is in the Lehigh Valley, whatevs…..
My mom once saw Deion Sanders in Scranton, now THAT is a famous person. This Obama dude hasn’t done fucking shit besides try to make us look like...