December 2008
89 posts
6 tags
It's That Time of the Year
Like any good capatalistic driven American I am getting ready to not work and spend some money this evening, the dreaded New Year’s Eve.
What’s there to do in the Lehigh Valley on this oh so special of nights where you somehow feel obligated to get drunk only because you’re “supposed to” and “everyone else is doing it”?
Well, I’m not sure. As I...
4 tags
Girl Fakes Mental Illness and Skips School
People often tell me I’m sweet. And then they realize I’m filled with hate. I don’t direct this hate toward everyone because I have no reason to; however, when given the opportunity to cut someone down, I can and will enjoy it. And one local 17-year-old made me giddy with joyful hate today
Rebecca Maykish is 17 and dreads school so much that she stopped going regularly. In...
3 tags
Bethlehem Man Beats Mom with Block
When looking for items to bash over the head of your elderly mother, you could pretty much stop at “wooden spoon” and still do a lot of damage to her wrinkly, frail, smelly old lady body.
A Bethlehem man, however, decided the best thing to beat his mom with needed to be much heavier.
Bethlehem police said a 34-year-old city man struck his 74-year-old mother in the head Sunday with a...
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Super Hero Mom Chases Bicycling Hoodlum
The unnamed 43-year-old Bethlehem Township woman who chased down a would-be-maybe-criminal the other day is my new hero, even if she is a BIT kinda retarded.
So, the lady gets home and see some guy coming out of her garage on a bike. She thinks, “Well, this 25-30 year old man with the scruffy face must be a friend of my kids.”
Hmm, well I’m going to assume her kids are at least...
4 tags
Where Did I Put That Dead Body? Oh Yeah!!
“Honey, where do you think we should pack away the Christmas tree this year?”
“Hmmm, that’s a good question. Maybe we should put it in the basement next to our washing machine and the rigor-mortis-ridden dead body.”
What started with a report of a suspicious odor has ended with the discovery of a female’s body in Allentown. Police responded to 637 North...
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Fake Bills Make for Lots of Change
When using counterfeit money, I’m assuming you’re looking to buy the least expensive thing that will allow you to get the most real money in return without looking like an idiot for using a $100 bill for a non-consequential item.
I think this is pretty simple criminal logic.
If you go for something TOO cheap, then whoever you are buying from is going to be like, “Seriously? You...
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Shoplifter Misses Landing On Triple Salchow
Yesterday it was reported that thief used ice as a ruse to facilitate holding up Boyd’s Theatre. Today ice made amends by helping to thwart a crime.
A slippery patch near an emergency exit at a Lower Macungie Township Wal-Mart thwarted the efforts of three individuals involved in an attempted retail theft Tuesday, according to state police.
Police reported an unknown male wearing blue jeans, a...
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Sex Strangling Begets Self-Strangulation
Steps to take after you just mistakenly killed your girlfriend by asphyxiation during rough sex:
Panic
Forget to 911 to see if they could perhaps, you know, make her breathe again
Write a note that says how sorry you are
Get dressed
Go to bridge
Hang self
A distraught man committed suicide because he had accidentally strangled his live-in girlfriend during consensual sex, authorities said....
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New Jersey Deposits Trash in Pennsylvania
Well, they’ve been importing their trash for years, but the those in the great state of New Jersey were recently caught depositing the non-human kind. (BURN!)
Northampton County District Attorney John Morganelli has asked the state attorney general’s environmental crimes unit to take over an investigation into illegal dumping that has occurred in Nazareth at the Essroc Plant along...
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People are Unemployed and Drunk
I’m not a huge fan of basic news stories about something that is so obvious that the only reason the newspaper or media outlet is running the piece is to make people feel awful or to make fun of their predicament.
So, in today’s news: People who are unemployed and depressed happen to drink more hard alcohol than when they are employed and happy.
Hmm…..really?
Liquor sales are...
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Ice Man Pays Homage to John Dillinger
Just as John Dillinger pretended to be a sales rep for a company that sold bank alarm systems to gain access to the vaults of banks he intended to rob, an unknown man used the guise of ice man to gain access to concession stand of a local movie theatre.
A man who acted as though he was helping workers carry ice into the Boyd Theater in Bethlehem Saturday robbed a theater worker and stole $300...
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Arsonist Located Due To Sexual Proclivity
Man, every since they found out what the hell DNA is, you can’t do SHIT anymore. Nothing, period. And, once you’re in the system, fuck it. Don’t touch anything ever. Don’t even open the door at a restaurant unless you’re wearing gloves. Otherwise, you’re going to get tagged the next time there is a murder there and they pull your old skin flakes off the handle...
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Dog Eats McDonalds to Live, Owner a Jerk
So, apparently McDonald’s isn’t THAT bad for you since a dog who was lost by his owner at a truck stop in September survived on those yummy little dollar menu items long enough for this dickhead owner to get him back so he can lose him again and not care enough to call and see if anyone had found him.
Three months after his puppy, a Shiba Inu named Rebel, ran off during a stop at a...
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Easton Tries to Sink Into Hell
Is it me or are there sinkholes just about everywhere in eastern Northampton County? It doesn’t go more than three months without reports that the ground just up and fell into itself and demons from another dimension popped out and started raping and pillaging the nearby neighborhoods.
OK, so maybe notsomuch the last part, but the ground doesn’t seem too stable.
A water leak from a...
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Easton Becomes Hispanic Central
Hispanics have successfully positioned themselves as the largest minority group in Easton, according to the 2007 census.
Ok? I mean, I GUESS this is news. I don’t really know what it means though.
So, now the Hispanics get some new perks? Do they get an extra dollar off at the McDonald’s downtown? Do they get an extra seat on council?
Is this just an excuse to print a possibly...
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Happy Christmkwanzhanukasolstice!
Well, with the holidays fast approaching holy shit right now, I won’t be posting for a day since I will be drunk with a wreath around my neck on some cold corner in the Christmas City.
Christmas is obviously the best holiday (or whatever you celebrate, there are too many stupid offshoots now, hanukkah is cool though) since you get gifts and eat lots of food and drink tons of eggnog and...
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Honey, I'm Home! (To Beat You Again)
Ah, a Bethlehem man is being released from prison just in time to head home, open some presents and beat the ever loving crap out of his wife again.
Robert Alan Shinko lucked out being sentenced on Christmas Eve.
Shinko, 46, of the 1800 block of Sixth Street, pleaded no contest this morning to misdemeanor simple assault and harassment charges.
Northampton County Judge Emil Giordano...
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Merry Christmas, Here's Rape
Nothing quite captures the holiday spirit more than raping your girlfriend of more than two years at knifepoint, breaking her cell phone and then stealing her cash.
A Bethlehem man is wanted for allegedly raping his girlfriend at knifepoint.
Nathanael Maldonado, 23, reportedly held a kitchen knife inches away from the victim’s face and neck, and told her she should “just take...
Hey everyone. I will be posting sparingly today and tomorrow due to the holidays. Take the time to go to the archive on the bottom right
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Woman Just Kidding When She Killed Boyfriend
When I play fight with my girlfriend, when I have one, it usually involves a little bit of wrestling, some well placed tickles and “accidentally” unhooking a bra.
Well, for some people it means putting a loaded gun to a perfectly unkilled head and then lighting shit on fire then running away.
Trillble El, 24, pleaded guilty Tuesday to third-degree murder, arson and theft in the Oct....
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Tow Truck Driver Faces Extended Hitch
A former resident of the Borough of Pen Argyl admitted to using a tow truck to steal vehicles.
Kenneth DeRose Jr., 25, formerly of Pen Argyl, pleaded guilty Friday to a misdemeanor charge of conspiring to commit theft. Police said he was paid by another man to drive off with a dump truck and car parked at properties in the 1300 block of Blue Mountain Drive.
It just so happens this is not the...
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Have We Learned Nothing From Baby Hitler?
I have been trying all day NOT to post anything more about Adolf Hitler Campbell.
1. Because the kid is going to have enough fucking problems in a few years and 2. Because it’s getting kinda old. The novelty is wearing off.
HOWEVER, there is a new kink in this story. Apparently, some people aren’t taking kindly to the perceived racism Dolph’s parents are portraying and, well,...
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Easton Replaces Good Idea with Stupid One
The proposed RiverWalk in Easton has been, well, proposed for a number of years. Basically, it would provide a nice, clean, aesthetically pleasing walkway complete with benches, places to sit and look at the Delaware River and spots to stand on the edge of the river and point and laugh at the state of New Jersey.
Sounds like a super awesome idea, right?
Well, people apparently figured out that...
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Laziness Causes Accidents, People!
No one likes to have to wake up on a cold winter morning and head out to the car and spend a good 15 minutes scraping ice and snow off the windshield, windows, trunk, etc.
Most people, especially short women, completely neglect to clear ice and snow off the top of the car, making their vehicles essentially carriages that look like frosting-topped muffins that are actually carrying around weapons...
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Coach Resigns over Stupid Parent's BS
There are a few types of people who absolutely suck no matter the situation they are in. The only way for them not to suck is to just not exist or….move on to some other form of not suckingness.
Here are a few examples:
People who talk on their cell phones while merging onto a busy highway
People who didn’t think about what they wanted while waiting in line at McDonald’s.
...
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Urinating on Heads is Just "Goofing Around"
Man. There are enough urination stories throughout the Lehigh Valley for me start thinking this is the center of some really weird golden shower kinky community.
I posted this a month or so ago, about a kid who was bullied and eventually peed on by some fellow students.
Yeah, he was PISSED ON. Urine came out of another kid and traveled through the air and landed on this kid’s HEAD.
Is...
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'Tis the Season to Stab Yourself
The holiday portion of the year is undoubtedly one of the most party packed of the year. Whether it’s a work party or a random ugly Xmas sweater party or a holiday-themed pub crawl, there are more than enough reasons to drink yourself into a stupor even before Santa Claus has eaten your milk and cookies.
Unfortunately, when alcohol and fun times are mixed together, tragedy can soon follow....
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Adolf's Dad Doesn't Like the Attention
About a week after the story of a local store refusing to make a cake for a kid named Adolf Hitler went around the country, his dad is now taking a little bit of a different stance than he did earlier.
He is still, by all accounts, a douchebag.
Heath Campbell, the Holland Township man who named his son Adolf Hitler, says he’s not racist or anti-Semitic. To prove it, Campbell discarded...
3 tags
Piercing Kittens for Fun and Profit
A Wilkes-Barre women came up with the perfect way to line her pockets this holiday season and sell to the wealthy, suburban and angry Hot Topic-crowd of pre-teens that overpopulate our area. And what was her excellent idea? Gothic kittens.
Humane officers say a Pennsylvania woman marketed “gothic kittens” with ear, neck and tail piercings over the Internet.
Officers with the Society...
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Man Urinates on Cop
(I said I was done, but I saw this and couldn’t resist.)
Phew. Well, when you get arrested for drunken driving the best thing to do is pretty much just shut your mouth and do what you’re told. It’s not so easy to do that sometimes, of course, because you’re wasted. And the more wasted you are the more apt you are, apparently, to do some really crazy shit like, I dunno,...
6 tags
Best of the Week
Well. Due to the ice/snow/rain storm going on outside, I’m making an excuse forced to cut this work week short.
Soooo. Enjoy the best of the week!
The racial friendly parents of Adolf Hitler don’t understand why everyone is in a tizzy.
Everyone gets shocked and confused over kids getting drunk at an Easton High School dance.
There are apparently no more safe places in the Lehigh...
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Moravian College Student Robs Dead Solider
What’s Christmas without a little stealing-from-a-dead-soldier-who-also-went-to-your-college?
Wow, talk about big dickery. A Moravian College student who was in the, wait, who was the FUCKING PRESIDENT of the Delta Tau Delta Fraternity stole more than $8,000 from the fund that went to run a memorial golf tournament for Chris Seifert, who was killed in Iraq.
Wow, I knew that Delta had some...
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Musikfest Already Gettin' Ready
Too early to talk about Musikfest? Considering the weather outside is frightful and my fake fire at home is probably so delightful and since I don’t really have a place to go, it seems appropriate to write about Musikfest.
Not even January yet and ArtsQuest (who runs the event) has already announced new events, a new logo and the new theme:
A new artist in residence program and a free...
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Easton High School Will Make You Blow
After a bunch of Easton Area High School kids did the unthinkable and got drunk (OMG OMG) at a dance, the school board figures that they are going to do away with all underage drinking once and for all by bringing in some heavy duty equipment.
The Easton Area School Board armed its district police department with four breath-testing devices and assigned officers to monitor on- and off-campus...
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If You Don't Succeed at Prostitution..Try 24 Times
Any pro woman rights story brings a smile to my face. An Allentown woman would NOT be held down by the man and, instead, made sure that she went ahead with her unalienable rights of sucking penises for crack money.
A 47-year-old Allentown woman was sentenced to up to four years in prison Thursday after being convicted of prostitution for the 24th time. Rose Marie Conyers told Lehigh County Judge...
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Ice and Snow and Asshole Drivers
Prepare yourself kids. The commute to work tomorrow is going to be about as much fun as stuffing a sock full of tacks and hitting it against the soles of your feet.
I grew up in the hills, so I’m quite comfortable driving a car in the snow and know that when ice accumulates on the roads and it’s tough to see through your windshield, you slow down and trade getting to work on time for...
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For Hire: John Acerra
Now that we know John Acerra is getting out of jail and going directly to parole in a halfway sorta house, he’s going to be joining the rest of us in this downtrodden economy and will be attempting to get a job.
We’ve reported on his meth ridden antics here and here.
However, I don’t feel that I’ve done my part in providing whoever is going to be doing a background check...
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Gas Prices Cause Attempted Judge Killing
There’s plenty to be angry about with the economy in shambles, but at least gas prices have gone down. A particularly angry Kutztown resident obviously didn’t get the memo:
Police have charged 21-year-old Ryan Schappell, of Kutztown, in an apparent case of road rage that injured a Berks County Judge. West Reading Police say Judge Stephen Lieberman is in fair condition at Reading...
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Don't Bring in Homeless People this Christmas
Homeless people are homeless for a reason. Either they cheated on a test in sixth grade and it got put on their permanent record or they got kicked out of the house for bringing too many chicks home OR they don’t like jobs OR they tried really hard but the man has kept them down and won’t allow them to read.
Anyhoo, it’s not a good idea to act like some new fangled Scrooge on...
7 tags
Bethlehem has a Bevy of Bank Robbers
I have no data on this and I’ve been trying to find it somwhere, but it seems to me like Bethlehem is the capital of the bank robber in recent years. There is at least one a month and sometimes more than two in a week and that’s no joke.
Well another one got held up yesterday. Right in time for the Holiday Season. Those bank robbers’ kids best get some new video games.
What...
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Latin Kings Get Served
As much as you might not believe it, since you’re sitting where they obviously have Interenet access, probably aren’t mainlining any Class A drugs and are waiting at least until after noon to get drunk today, the Lehigh Valley is rife with a bunch of gangs we more commonly see on episodes of The Sheild and America’s Most Wanted.
Granted, they ususally keep to themselves when...
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Evel Knievel Lady Not So Safe
A woman trekking on the post-snowy night Lehigh Valley roadways found out that not only is she a daredevil, but that it’s also a good idea not to wear your seatbelt when the roads are covered in slush and ice and snow.
A woman driving southbound on Route 33 about 12:30 this afternoon lost control of her pickup truck, which sailed 90 feet through the air in what an emergency official...
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Well That Didn't Take Long
Earlier this month the wife of the late Wayne Grube took over his post on Northampton County Council.
She stepped down last night.
Now, I’m not going to say I told you so, but I completely told you so.
Hey, I feel bad for her and can’t imagine losing a husband after 20 plus years of marriage, but there was just no reason for her to take over her post, no matter how intelligent she...
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Little Hitler Famous as F*&k
This is a picture of the now famous Adolf Hitler Campbell, a boy who couldn’t get his birthday cake, and his parents, Douche and Bag. No, Heath Campbell and Deborah Campbell, really. What nice, ordinary names that won’t get them shot and fuck with their mental development through the important years of childhood and adolesence.
This story got picked up by about three bazillion...
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Melt Offers a Sharp Meal
(That up there is a pun. I love it.)
I’m actually a bit happy to post this story. The Promenade Shops in Center Valley, for the most part, represent all I despise in an otherwise pretty cool capatilistic society. The fact that they came in and basically made a fake town in the middle of a field (I don’t think they used union labor, either) and gave the streets little cute names and...
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Local Teenage Gangs have no Organization
Two separate gangs of teenagers were recently arrested for burglarizing homes and a food market, respectively.
One awesome gang of three was in Whitehall:
Whitehall police charged three teens today in connection with a string of daytime burglaries that netted items including handguns, televisions, laptops, video game systems and $70,000 in jewelry during the past week, police said. Police...
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Crime Creeping into Historic Bethlehem
It’s easy to make fun of South Bethlehem or Allentown or, well especially, Easton. I usually reserve downtown Bethlehem and its historic district as a spot in the Lehigh Valley where you can walk home after leaving a bar at 2 a.m. and not be bothered with anything more than a few college kids puking on the sidewalk.
In the last few weeks, however, there were two separate instances of people...
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Easton High School Scandal!!!!
Breaking News: A few high school kids got drunk and went to a school dance. Everyone is shocked. Not only has this never happened before, but the community is woefully unequipped to handle a crime of such unimaginable scale.
Their parents were outraged, initially yelling at administrators and saying things like “My kid would never do that,” and “My kid would never do that, it...
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Baby Hitler Can't Get a Cake
There are a lot of different types of child abuse. You can beat a kid. You can sexually abuse them. You can mentally torture them, you can even starve them to death.
But, why not the gift that keeps on giving? Why not name your kid something so deplorable, so offensive that they are going to be teased throughout their lives, possibly not be able to make friends and will undoubtedly seek...
4 tags
Lose Your Wallet? We Might Not Have It
Some money was found in Perkasie.
We’re not going to tell you how much it was. In fact, we’re not going to tell you where on Constitution Avenue we found it. We’re not going to say if it was in coins or bills. We’re not even going to tell you if it was fake money or real money.
But, if you can come in and tell us it’s yours.
Then you can have it.
Some cash has...