Abe’s Cold Beer Robbed by Man in Fake Beard

As far as criminal disguises go, the fake beard would have to be a pretty safe bet.

It covers your face enough (depending on the fake beard style) that you can really throw off a potential witness’ description of you.

Add any sort of eyeglasses and you’re immediately unrecognizable, however, you may stick out just a bit when fleeing from the place you just robbed.

Usually, I’d think this was a bit funny, but some guy robbed Abe’s Cold Beer in Bethlehem!!!! I’m there like… twice seven times a week!

Bethlehem police said a lone gunman wearing a fake beard Monday night held up Abe’s Cold Beer, a West Bethlehem six- and 12-pack beer seller.

Police said a black man in his late 20s to early 30s, about 5 feet 10 inches tall with a heavy build and wearing a dark blue jacket, jeans, hat and phony beard, followed a clerk into the store’s freezer at 9:52 p.m., racked the slide on a silver pistol and pointed it at the clerk.

The man ordered the clerk to return to the cash register and give him the money, police said. The man ran away with an undisclosed amount of cash. No one was injured and no beer was stolen, police said.

The store is at 1301 W. Broad St.

Police are working to retrieve video images of the alleged robber. Source

What? The 7-11 up the street wasn’t good enough for you? They have all the free money you can shake a shotgun at.

Leave Abe’s alone! That place has like 2,342 types of beer and all anyone ever buys are 12 packs of Miller High Life.

They sell Four Lokos there like HOT CAKES.

Man, I’m thirsty.

But, seriously, Abe’s was open on LABOR DAY. He’s open all the time. You have to respect a place that you KNOW is going to be open pretty much no matter the time you need your fix of Bud Light Lime. Cause, when you need a Bud Light Lime, it’s like no other fix.

Phillipsburg Residents Allowed to Feed Feral Cats, If They Trap Them

Today is apparently animal day! Yay!

Cats, in general, are always like “Yo, FU!”

Seriously, they only want you when they know they can get something from you, like food or warmth or your firstborn.

But, ask them to do anything and where are they? Basking in that sunbeam in front of the vestibule.

Lazy cats. 

Feral cats are even worse! They are like the illegal immigrants of the cat world and Phillipsburg is all like “yeah feed em, as long as you make sure you also betray their trust!”

Phillipsburg residents will be allowed to feed feral cats as long as they agree to help with the trap-neuter-release program.

Town Council approved a law during Tuesday’s meeting that slaps a maximum $2,000 fine on anyone caught feeding feral cats or other animals without permission.

The contract would permit feeding the felines during daylight hours as long as they treat or seek treatment for sick cats and help trap strays that aren’t yet neutered or spayed.

Bobbi Santini, the founder of the town’s Feline Urban Rescue and Rehab program, reminded the room that cats do serve a purpose. 

“It’s a proven fact — if you take away the cats, you’ll have the other problems,” Santini said. “You will be overrun with mice and rats.”

Resident Mark Dilts doubted the system would work since the town is“putting the people who cause the problem … in charge of taking care of the problem.”

The felines, skunks and raccoons have introduced bad smells and possible health risks to the north side of town, residents have said. Source

Yeahhhh, I don’t see this ending well. Like that one dude said, It’s like asking a cat lady to make sure the cats are happy the best way she knows how.

See, you think that’s by making sure they are spade and neutered. She thinks that means singing them songs and letting them fornicate in her rose bushes.

Allentown Firefighters Rescue Escaped Iguana From Tree

So your cat went up in a tree? Leave it there. I mean, it’s a cat, it’s going to come down, right? 

Wait, you’re going to call the FIRE DEPARTMENT to get your cat down? What if some serious fire happens on the other side of town with a kid in a wheelchair is trapped in a four story building with no staircases?

Oh, you just want Jax the cat back, eh? I guess I can see your reasoning.

Wait, it’s a freakin’ iguana? Seriously?

Allentown firefighters Tuesday afternoon safely caught a pet iguana that had slipped out of its owner’s third-floor apartment and jumped from a balcony into a tree.

The Allentown 911 Communications Center asked if the Fire Department might snag the escaped lizard at the 11 N. Ninth St. apartment house at 5:50 p.m., fire Capt. Joseph Donmoyer said.

“When Com Center called, I thought they were joking,” he said. “It’s usually a cat.”

Bringing down the 2-foot-long iguana was easy, but its natural camouflage made it difficult to find in the tree, Donmoyer said.

“We were looking and looking and looking,” he said. “He was almost the exact color of the leaves. But then we saw the tail.” Donmoyer climbed up a 24-foot ladder and made the capture.

“When I got up there, he was busy eating leaves,” he said. “I bent the branch down and grabbed his tail up by his rear legs. I didn’t want the tail to break off. Then I brought him down and put him in a box.”

“It was just one of those fun calls.”

Donmoyer said the iguana’s owner was not home when it escaped its screen-covered terrarium and jumped 5 feet from the balcony handrail to the tree. A neighbor noticed the escape and made the 911 call. Source

A NEIGHBOR called 911? 

Woah, wait. So, an Allentown resident living on Ninth Street called 911 for his NEIGHBOR because his neighbor’s iguana escaped?

This happened? I’m kinda shocked. OK, now it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

Awww, Allentown, where love happens. 

Don’t Take Illegal Dumps in Lower Saucon Township!

“No Dumping” signs are just asking for trouble from every single college male, aren’t they?

The value of you or one of your friends dumping next to a “No Dumping” sign is literally priceless.

You could take that into a Pawn Shop and totally get like five crappy HD TVs for something of that quality.

The jokes are so endless it’s pointless to write any…

Lower Saucon Township police are looking for the culprits who illegally dumped furniture and other items on Lori Lane last week.

Police say someone left a sofa and love seat in the area Wednesday, and on Friday, a pile of tile pieces was discovered. Source

Let’s find these culprits!

Clues: 1. They once had a sofa and love seat, well, up until Wednesday.

2. They also once had a tile floor!

3. They probably live near Lower Saucon Township!

4. They probably have a vehicle capable of transporting a sofa and/or love seat!

I have been inclined to illegally dump things in the past. But, where do you get rid of a chick who is really into Nickleback? Even the recycling place won’t take them.

“Lawless” Criminal Eludes Police on Motorcycle, for a Minute. (FACEBOOK PROFILE)

If I have learned anything from watching TruTV on cable, it’s that you don’t run from the police because, 1. they are going to catch you or 2. you’re totally going to crash.

I know, at the time it seems like a great idea. All you’ll have to do is outrun their suped up police car engines and you’ll be fine.

I mean, shit, you’re on a motorcycle, HOW THE HELL are the cops going to catch you if you’re on your motorcycle???? YOU ARE SOO good at driving it. I mean, you’ve seen 2 Fast 2 Furious like 57 times. No professionally trained cop is going to be able to track down you, you crazy awesome stunt driver you.

A 20-year-old motorcyclist was injured Monday in a crash in Berks County after he tried to flee police making a traffic stop, state police in Reading said.

Austin Lawless (FACEBOOK PROFILE) of Weisenberg Township was flown by helicopter to Lehigh Valley Hospital-Cedar Crest after an accident about 1:30 p.m. on Route 222 in Maxatawney Township, police said.

His medical condition was not immediately available.

Minutes before, officers from the Berks-Lehigh Regional Police Department had tried to stop Lawless for a traffic violation in Lehigh County. Lawless sped away and committed “numerous traffic violations” during a police pursuit.

Lawless was travelling southbound on Route 222 by Long Lane Road when a car driven by Eric Holm, 60, of Kutztown turned onto the road from a service station.

Due to Lawless’ speed, Holm didn’t see him approaching. The front of Lawless’ motorcycle struck Holm’s car in the right side, and Lawless was thrown from the motorcycle.

Holm was not injured. Source

Yep, that’s him on his bike. I mean, look at it, how can he NOT get away from the cops? Cops are stupid. His bike is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEME….

I have also learned from reality TV that one should never drink the coffee in an office if there is like ONE disgruntled person who works there.

Just sayin.

Lehigh and Moravian Students Robbed at the Point of Gun

I have a friend who was once robbed for his six pack after strolling out of the Tally Ho one weekend evening. 

South Bethlehem can be a shady, shady place. What sucks about that the most is South Side has been undergoing at least SOME sort of Renaissance what with the First Friday events and other local gatherings such as the Chili Cook Off thing that was totally awesome.

But, those events mostly take place during the day. 

If you’re out after midnight… 

Four college students were robbed at gunpoint around 1 a.m. Sunday near Thomas and Buchanan streets in south Bethlehem,Lehigh University police Chief Ed Shupp said in an e-mail to students and staff.

The victims, a male Lehigh student and three female Moravian College students, were robbed while waiting for a cab about three blocks east of Lehigh’s campus. No one was injured and the only item taken was an iPod, Shupp’s e-mail states.

One robber was described as a 6-foot-2-inch-tall Hispanic man in his mid-20s with a medium build and a chin-strap beard who was wearing jeans and a white T-shirt. The other robber was a 6-foot-2-inch-tall black male in his mid-20s with bushy hair who was wearing jeans and a blue-and-white shirt.

University and city police are investigating. Source

Those are some tall robbers.

Oh, and thank goodness the Lehigh University police are involved, wouldn’t want the Bethlehem Police to have to do all the work themselves. 

Happy post Labor Day!

Summer be over!

Phillipsburg Man Attacks Another Man Based on His Sexuality

Seriously? How old are we anymore? 

This guy is a DOUCHE with a capital “DOUCHEFACE.”

And while the jerk who did this should be forced to face the court of not only the judicial system, but also the court of public opinion, I don’t think the man’s name he allegedly bashed into a wall needed to be hurled into the papers.

Police say a 43-year-old Phillipsburg man attacked another Phillipsburg resident because of the victim’s sexual orientation.

Kurt Sliker, (FACEBOOK PROFILE) of the 1000 block of Ridge Street, allegedly attacked (OMITTING NAME) at his home on Glen Avenue, according to court records.

(OMITTED) told police Sliker has made derogatory comments about his sexuality since (OMITTED) first revealed that he was homosexual. According to (OMITTED) , Sliker also made similar comments to (OMITTED)’s son.

According to court records:

On Monday, Sliker burst into the Glen Avenue home and began screaming derogatory remarks at (OMITTED). He then attacked (OMITTED) by slamming his head into the wall and repeatedly punching him. 

(OMITTED) said Sliker finally stopped the assault when he heard police were coming. 

Sliker was charged with harassment, simple assault, and assault and slander based on sexual orientation. He was sent to Warren County jail in lieu of $2,000 bail. Source

Have a great Labor Day and please be freakin’ nice to each other for a change?

Kthxbye.

Bethlehem Man Escapes City Police, Jumps In River.

But he got caught. Just sayin.

So… this guy was chilling in a bar (would pay to know which one) when parole officers found him and blah blah blah.

Then, on the way back in the police car, he escapes! Keystone Cops ensues! 

A Bethlehem man wanted on state parole charges slipped out of his handcuffs and briefly escaped officers Friday morning by jumping into the Lehigh River, police said.

Shortly before 1 a.m., Jeremy Johnson, 31, was arrested at a Bethlehem bar by state parole and city police officers. When first approached by officers, police said Johnson gave a false name, but was identified by a tattoo on his neck.

Johnson had crack cocaine and marijuana in his pockets, police said, and was handcuffed and put into a cruiser. By the time police arrived at the station, Johnson had somehow slipped out of his cuffs, according to police. When officers opened the cruiser doors, Johnson fled and ran across the Fahy Bridge and down the steps to Sand Island, police said.

Johnson then ran down an embankment and into the river, police said, and officers were able to catch Johnson a short time later. No one was injured during the incident.

Johnson is charged with possession of drugs, resisting arrest, reckless endangerment, false identification to police, possession with the intent to deliver and escape. Police said Johnson is in Northampton County Prison, but his bail was not immediately available. Source

No, really what bar!?!?!??! I wanna know!!!!

Wait, they took him across the Fahy to the station, so that means he was on the South Side, at least we narrowed it down that much.

In any event, as I said, they caught him, which is good because Sand Island already has enough weirdos hanging out down there at night without Houdini playing magic tricks on people.

Off to Labor Day. Peace!

People are Beating People.Well This Guy Beat This Girl in Washington Township

Hey, it’s almost Labor Day and you know what that means! It means the summer is almost over and you know what that means! It means that we’re all sad about summer being almost over and you know what that means! It means we’re going to start not having patience with our neighbors and you know what that means! It means we’re going to push ladies to the ground and kick them in the back and you know what… ugh. ok…

An Upper Mount Bethel Township man was charged with harassment Thursday for allegedly assaulting a woman during an argument.

Pennsylvania State Police at Belfast say Robert Kreis, 45, of North Delaware Drive, got into an argument with Wendy Lacaillade, (FACEBOOK PROFILE) 23, also of North Delaware Drive, about 4:20 p.m. He allegedly pushed her to the ground then kicked her in the back.

A police news release does not specify how the two are acquainted. Source

Well, the are obviously acquainted through violence!

Stupid people. Let’s be nicer to each other because it’s almost fall and you know what that means! Football! Or something.

Man Attacks Lady With Bayonet

Living through the Civil War probably sucked. I mean, sure, that’s an obvious statement, but crap, everyone you knew probably died.

Also, they fought during the summer in what equates to wearing about two leisure suits at the same time.

Was the 1800s too primitive for shorts? Wouldn’t the better cooled side win? What if the South was like “Hey were going to wear bloomers?” We’d totally all be Confederates right now!

Police have charged a Bethlehem Township, Pa., man with sexually assaulting a Bethlehem woman after he cut off her clothes with a bayonet and threatened to dismember her at his home in the Miller Heights neighborhood, court records say.

The woman, an acquaintance of the suspect, also told police she was drugged during the incident, records say. She reported she eventually fled from the suspect by running naked to a neighbor’s home after the suspect chased her with a hunting knife, records show. 

Charged today in connection with the March 24 incident is Daniel A. Bissey, 53, of the 3800 block of Lehigh Street, records say. He was jailed after an arraignment on one count of rape and related offenses.

Township police Capt. George Boksan said the time lapse between the incident and Bissey’s arrest was the result of police and members of the Northampton County District Attorney’s Office having to interview the woman several times. He said that process can take months to complete.

The accuser, whose name is being withheld by The Express-Times because of the nature of the charges, claims the incident happened when she tried to retrieve some personal items, which were at Bissey’s home, court records say.

As she left the home, Bissey grabbed her arm, held the bayonet to her neck and cut off her shirt and underwear, court records said. He also allegedly forced her to take off her pants.

During the incident, Bissey allegedly told the woman he was going to cut her into pieces and wrap them in plastic. He also allegedly threatened to chop off her fingers and flush them down the toilet.

Bissey then forced the woman to take prescription pills and drink alcohol before sexually assaulting her, records say.

When the woman tried to run from the home, Bissey allegedly chased her with the hunting knife. She arrived at the neighbor’s nearby Timothy Lane home naked and was wrapped in a blanket by the time police responded to a call at the home, court records said. 

Bissey was arrested at his home Thursday and taken before District Judge Joseph Barner for arraignment.  Source

JEEESus, this guy is all sorts of screwed up, but it’s nice to know that since this severely crazy man was able to hang around until now considering this happened in March…

While some women can be super crazy and come up with outlandish stories, dontcha think the cops should have maybe at least brought the guy in after she came forward? He seems like someone who shouldn’t be on the streets.

Bethlehem Women Brawl Over Biscuits

I hate it when I bake something and then someone comes up and is like “NOM NOM NOM” with all of whatever I just baked.

I’m like “Hey bizatch, I just baked that pastry product! Bake your own, freeloader!”

And then everyone is like … well, yeah this scenario will never happen so.. moving on…

Bethlehem police said two women have been charged in a brawl over a plate of biscuits and exactly who was supposed to eat them.

The alleged fight happened just after 11 p.m. Tuesday at 3120 East Blvd., Bethlehem.

Quartoia Felder, 26, who lives at the home with her boyfriend and his family, told police she baked the biscuits and put them on a plate.

Police said when other people at the home ate some of them, Felder got mad and said the biscuits were only for her. A fight broke out between Felder and her boyfriend’s mother, Sandra Bryant, 52, according to police

Felder told police Bryant scratched her on the chest and arms. Bryant told officers that Felder held her in a headlock and bit her on the wrist.

Both women are charged with harassment, police said. Source

This sounds like a Tyler Perry movie (that’s not racist, it’s true!)

Also, I bet breakfast was a bit awkward the next morning, dontchathink?

Also, just bake some more freakin’ biscuits fatty! Seriously, you were planning on sitting down, watching “The Fall Guy” and eating a WHOLE plate of biscuits? WHO DOES THAT?

Tyler Perry, that’s who.

What It Feels Like to Get Hit in the Balls

Is there an woman equivalent of a man being hit in the gnards? I was once told that getting in the boob hurt, but that’s not your balls and hitting a lady in her private parts can’t really hurt THAT bad, they are already kinda.. well I’ll spare you the logistics. Let’s just move to a description of the feeling.

Getting hit in the balls feels like someone shoved a very angry elf in-between your bladder and your bowels. That elf makes you feel simultaneously sick to your stomach and wanting to puke. Your eyes also water and you feel as though someone just tied two two-pound weights to your scrotum and then swung said weights like a pendulum.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

A 61-year-old woman upset with her husband struck him in the crotch with a crowbar and then hit him in the head with it, Stroud Area Regional police said.

Dale D. Morris, of Stroudsburg, was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault and reckless endangerment and sent to Monroe County Correctional Facility on $10,000 bail.

Police were dispatched at 8:30 p.m. Monday to a home at Fetherman Street to investigate the domestic assault against Neil Morris, 61.

Police said Dale Morris got angry over a note her husband left her and when he came home, she confronted him and then struck him in the crotch with a crowbar. When he bent over, she struck him in the head with the crowbar. Police and court records did not indicate what was written in the note.

When police asked her where she hit her husband, Dale Morris responded, she “hit him in the ——-because he deserved it,” according to an arrest affidavit.

Neil Morris was taken to Pocono Medical Center, but his condition was unavailable. Source

Um, his condition is “This sucks.”

Ok, a few things, 1. this lady carries around a crowbar awaiting the return of her husband? 2. Not only did she hit him once in the head, but she decided to go ahead and bash him another time in the nuts. 3. This woman has some serious issues that probably do not stem from merely being left a note that wasn’t up to her satisfaction.

I hope it read, “Bitch, you be buggin’”

Ugh, just thinking about that makes my eyes water.

Penn State’s Nittany Lion, Parkland Grad, Charged with Underage Drinking (SHOCKING NEWS!)

I would HATE to be a college student right now. Don’t tell me how great it is with the new technology keeping everyone in touch and the great new advantages, etc. etc. Screw that, college prices are sky high, there are no jobs and you can’t even get a little underage drinking citation without being all over the freakin’ Internet.

Give me the days where your parents may not even find out if you turned the dean’s car over, mainlined black tar heroin and engaged in bestiality. I mean, you could totally go to the mailbox and get the letters before mom and dad ever read them!

Sadly, in today’s day and age, you can’t even sneeze without losing your position as the new Penn State Lion Mascot.

Clint T. Gyory, the Parkland High graduate and Penn State Nittany Lion mascot, has been charged with underage drinking and ripping a rearview mirror from a vehicle at State College.

Because of the Aug. 1 incident, Penn State Universityhas suspended the North Whitehall Township man as mascot for a month. Gyory is a junior.

“We are certainly disappointed in the news of this incident, perhaps no one more so than Clint himself,” Penn State cheerleading coach Curtis White said Tuesday in a prepared statement.

Gyory was arrested at 2:55 a.m. Aug. 1 after a night celebrating his 20th birthday. According to the citations against him, that night he drank alcoholic beverages, broke off a vehicle’s mirror and passed out in the bed of a pickup truck.

College police officer Adam Salyards made the arrest, accusing Gyory of underage drinking, public drunkenness and criminal mischief. The charges were filed Aug. 24. Gyory faces more than $1,000 in fines.

Ashley Shaw, the woman whose mirror Gyory allegedly took, does not want restitution for it, police said.

Gyory was picked last year to be the Nittany Lion mascot. At Parkland High School, he had been that school’s mascot, Trojan Man. He was the first freshman in memory to be chosen for the honor. Source

20th Birthday? Wait a minute, that’s not legal drinking age Clint! You’re not supposed to drink until you’re 21!

Jeez.

Oh man, he has to feel like crap, look at this nice write up Penn State did for him on their website.

Crap, I’d have my tail between my legs right now…

Clint Gyory thought he could keep it a secret, at least for awhile, about being chosen Penn State’s next Lion mascot. But with front-page stories in The Daily Collegianand Centre Daily Times and an article in his hometown newspaper, Allentown’s Morning Call on Feb. 2, word spread quickly about the next guy to wear the brown furry suit.

If not for a newspaper story a year earlier, Gyory would now be working on his gymnastics routines rather than flipping for the crowd at his first public appearance as the Lion at a recent gymnastics meet. “If I hadn’t been selected as the Lion, I was planning to try out for the gymnastics team,” Gyory said during a recent interview in the Hintz Family Alumni Center’s Robb Hall.

What led Gyory (pronounced “Jory”) to Lion mascot tryouts was an earlier article in theMorning Call. That article covered Gyory’s experiences as Parkland High School’s Trojan mascot during his senior year. Former Nittany Lion mascot Chuck Kimble ’02 read the article in which Gyory said he dreamed of one day being the Penn State Lion. “Chuck contacted me and ultimately put me in touch with the current Lion, James Sheep,” Gyory said. “I came up last year and visited him when I was still in high school.” Source

How easily alcohol can destroy your dreams.

…..

ARE YOU KIDDING? This kid is going to be applauded every time he gets on the field now. NOTHING about this is bad for him other than his parents frowning in disgust. This kid basically just earned his stripes err, make that mane, and is now officially a Nittany Lion.

You can’t exactly be taken seriously as a college mascot if you’re not drinking heavily. GO CLINT!

Vote for Easton’s Farmer’s Market (what?)

So, Easton is apparently in the running to be first in the nation for something.

Noooo, it’s not “how many crimes can we fit in a box full of children”, it’s actually for America’s Favorite Farmer’s Market (no, really) and, you know what, eh, vote for them…

Easton is… a .. nice.. place… to…. do .. stuff… 

Whatever, if they can have at least one shining point to its otherwise checkered existence, then, let’s give it to them.

Easton Farmers’ Market is within only a few votes of being #1 in the small market category. It’s been back and forth with this Ohio marketfor the spot for the last week. Right now the vote tally is 1854 -1847… Ohio winning. From Laini’s Little Pocket Guide to Easton

GO HERE TO VOTE. As much as Easton is a little dingy city, it’s OUR LITTLE DINGY CITY! Ohio is suckier, they don’t even have Lebron anymore.

You get to go to a party TONIGHT if you vote. So, hey, why not?

Kids are Back on Campus, Commence Drinking! (Facebook Profile)

This is just the calm before the storm, so I wanted to do a test article to make sure I still had what it took to properly write about drunk college students.

Phew, here it goes.

SO there was this DRUNK Lehigh Student (stop me if you’ve heard this one before)..

….

That was a figure of speech, I didn’t mean actually stop me…

A 20-year-old college student was taken to St. Luke’s Hospital in Fountain Hill early Monday morning after she was found unconscious in a Bethlehem student apartment, according to city police.

Bethlehem police say Emily Flanagan (Facebook Profile), 20, of Chatham, N.J., was found unconscious and intoxicated at 1:13 a.m. Monday in an apartment in the 300 block of East Fifth Street, near Lehigh University. The apartment is part of student housing owned by Fasnacht Property Management, police said.Police did not specify where Flanagan goes to school. (LVwithLOVE Note: She Goes to Lehigh, Class of 2012)

St. Luke’s Hospital did not have a record of Flanagan this morning, a nursing supervisor said. City police charged her with purchasing, consuming or possessing alcohol while being underage. Source

Well, she sobered up and left Dodge.

SUCKS when you get so drunk you pass out THEN they charge you with shit.

I mean the hangover is bad enough.

Well, welcome to campus 2010! So many more to come I cannot wait! Man, without you college kids, I’d have nothing to write about all fall except this stupid Congressional race between Tweedle Kennedy and Tweedle ManCougar.

How’d I do?