Lehigh Valley Missed Connections of the Week (MUFF DIVING)

Lehigh Valley Missed Connections of the Week brought to you by Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant, Townsend Insurance, Molly’s Irish Grille & Sports Pub and Computer Troubleshooters!

You ever have a weekend where you absolutely plan on doing absolutely nothing? Yep. That’s this weekend. 

Maybe I’ll hit up Qmart to buy a samurai sword and some chicken wings, but that’s about it.

Your local weirdos:

Yyle from Sands Casino - w4m - 38 (Southside Bethleghem)

I dont know how 2 start n i never thought id ever opost sumthing like this but i had 2…. i met u on a rainy early morning at sandscasino. i was playing my penny slots drinking my morning rumncokes lol wen all of a sudden u approached me. U were tall dark and handsome n sat down n we played slots n talked 4 hours n had drinks. then we both lost all our money n ended up getting a free slice ofcheese from the restarant n even tho it wuz good it wus still a lil depressin… u just went to the bathrom n nevr came back. i got cut off from drinks n hitchiked home. y dint i get your number…. email me wut u were waring n ware u just moved hear from n some things wetalked about… i been thinkin about u Mr. T. lol .

My homework for you is to draw a picture of what this lady looks like and email it to lehighvalleywithlove@gmail.com or tweet it at @lvwithlove.

I bet you $20 we all draw the same thing.

this morning, and yesterday morning - m4m - 32 (Allentown, Cedar Crest Blvd)

Saw you this morning, again, just like yesterday. You normally come in around 9am. You had a dark shirt on, looked like you had “bed head” it was kinda cute. You were on the “bike” next to me for a few minutes, then you went on to the next station. Don’t know if you swing this way, discreet here, myself. If you are interested, let me know what I was wearing.

Some people are so sexy that they don’t even have to comb their hair to get gay men to want to have sex with them.

And now some poetry!

broke me heart - m4w - 49

you broke my heart
as far as i can tell
quickly you made a brand new start
while i go through hell.

green eyes and a pretty smile
been through alot but i had fell
for u all the way, and even though
you were mad at.me
i could feel how.much without you
id go through hell

but thats ok your happy now
i wish you the best
and i will move on from you somehow
unlike you, though i will take time
to heal and make sure the next woman
is not hurt …..goodbye

Started strong and then lost it toward the end. I really would have liked to have seen the “go through hell” imagery fleshed out a bit more. I feel there was a bunch of untapped potential there. Remember, writing is all about rewriting. I think, with just some extra time here, you could really have a stellar. 

And now your kinda NSFW missed connection of the week!

Going down? - m4w - 28 (Bethlehem)

I’m looking for a girl who loves being eaten out. Don’t need to reciprocate. Hopefully it could be an on going thing and we can do more together. But for now I really want to taste and smell you. I’m fit good looking and have a strong tongue.

How thoughtful! How could any woman turn this down? The fact that you want nothing in return is so… LYING!

Read previous Missed Connections.

“You drive a garbage truck and I drive a Range Rover.”

Being a garbage man can’t be that much fun. However, someone told me once that they make decent money. I guess that depends which hauler they are working for, etc. 

You know what? I bet you find a lot of fun crap if you’re a garbage man. It’s like being an antique hunter, but just in people’s trash instead of their attic.

Either way, respect your garbage man. Not cool, lady.

Let’s set this up. So, some privileged idiot lady in Lower Saucon noticed that her trash wasn’t picked up because she didn’t have it by the curb. The garbage man was nice enough to turn around and come back to get her garbage, which was probably full of stupid and doughnut boxes.

The woman, Sarah Hart, brought her garbage to the end of the driveway and threw it on the ground, police said.

She told Campbell to “pick it up with your teeth because you are a garbage man,” the police report said. “You drive a garbage truck and I drive a Range Rover.”

Campbell tried to leave, but Hart pulled him from the truck and hit him on the left side of the face, police said. The blow left a red patch and broke a molar, according to the report. SOURCE: The Morning Call

Hello crazytown. You see this way too often. Someone who is having a bad day is going to pick on someone who they perceive to be below them in order to establish their self-confidence.

But, seriously, though, do you know how much cool stuff people throw away? I’d be all over that. Anyone a garbage men out there who found a sweet end table or something?

Deer Kills Itself in Downtown Easton

Suicide is really selfish. Sure, shit sucks, but it sucks for everyone and if you go ahead and off yourself it’s just going to make everything suck even that much more for the people who care about you.

So, I mean, I guess if no one cares about you then… well… go for it, because if you’re not happy and buying some new pants or something won’t cure your unhappiness, then, yep, death.

That being said, I’m a bit disappointed in this deer.

A deer about 8:15 this morning smashed through the front window of a Downtown Easton business and died about a half block away, city police report.

The display window was shattered at Suzy’s Mixing Bowl at 34 N. Second St. and the adult deer was fatally cut.

“I didn’t know what to think,” next-door neighbor Charlotte Haring said, adding that she heard the impact but did not see it. “Who expects a deer in the middle of the city?”SOURCE: The Express-Times

Sure, life was probably getting rough for deer. But, just because deer couldn’t reel in his alcohol problem and come to terms with the fact that he was going to have to pay child support, doesn’t mean he should launch himself head first into a window to kill himself.

There are better options, deer.

There are better ways.

You took the coward’s way out, today.  

Drunk Man Pees on Public Drunkenness Booking Paperwork and Table

When urination becomes an adventure due to your drunken state, there’s usually no going back.

If you’re already at the point where you think peeing out of a two story window or in the corner of a bar is OK, then the only real recourse you have is passing out. There is no sobering up from that moment.

A drunken Easton man who cursed at police trying to calm him early Wednesday in Bangor was increasingly uncooperative, urinating on a table at the Northampton County booking center and threatening a district judge, according to court records.

Police were called to the 300 block of South Northampton Street in Bangor for a man who was screaming at the owners of a residence there. Police met up with Michael Allen Merlo, 43, of the 1400 block of Butler Street, who had a bloody nose which he said he suffered after a fall, according to court papers. Police determined Merlo was intoxicated, court papers say.

He then drops his pants and calls the cops names, so they bring him to the booking center.

Court records show that Merlo’s behavior continued once he was in custody. He allegedly urinated on a table and paperwork while he was being processed at the Northampton County Central Booking Center. He also cursed at and threatened on-duty District Judge Joseph Barner during his arraignment. SOURCE: The Express-Times

Yeahhhh… I don’t care what lawyer you get for this one, there’s no going back from peeing on your drunk and disorderly paperwork in front of cops.

I’m curious how he was able to urinate like that. Wasn’t he cuffed? Did he just kinda prop his hips up on the table and let loose through his pants or was he able to shimmy the rascal free and have free reign?

Either way, his hangover is worse than your hangover.

Our IronPigs Pork Illustrated Cover Contest Submission

The IronPigs and Lehigh Valley Health Network are running a Pork Illustrated Cover Contest for kids 5-12. 

Basically, you download the .pdf and have your kid color it and then send it in. They will then scan them and put them on their Facebook page and users will vote for the winner.

The winner gets their drawing on a cover of Pork Illustrated (the IronPigs game program.)

So, even though we may be just a TAD over the age limit, we decided to enter with this gem.

I think it perfectly dictates exactly what this season of baseball is all about, urinal video games!

Man Breaks Into House, Bear Hugs Woman, Throws Bicycle, Leaves

Nothing like randomly breaking into a house by forcing your way through the front door then bear hugging some lady before throwing a bicycle and some sort of statue near children.

Just another day.

Tomas Santiago, of Allentown, was arrested shortly after the 11:30 p.m. disturbance in the 100 block of E. Winton Street, according to court records. The street is near the Lehigh River and Keck Park.

Rivera told Santiago she didn’t know who he was, so she called her husband. Carlos Rivera came to the door, but Santiago pushed his way in and grabbed another woman inside and placed her in a bear hug.

Josephine De La Cruz told police she struggled to get out of the hug. Santiago eventually let her go but grabbed a bicycle and threw it, damaging two walls and a door.

Santiago grabbed a statue and threw it toward the door, shattering it into small pieces. Two 6-year-olds were in the living room and were almost hit. SOURCE: The Morning Call

The cops arrested him and it doesn’t look like there was really any reason why this guy did this. They found pot in his pocket, but who doesn’t have some pot in their pocket?

I wonder if the lady took the bear hug like Hulk Hogan and was almost out of it until she heard the roar of the crowd and then came back to life and beat the man senseless and then pinned him.

Bear hugs are the worst.

DUI BAC to go to 0.05? One Martini and Done…

I’m not sure I have an opinion on whether or not I think this is a good idea. 

I mean, no one should drive drunk, but, how many people drive when they are at a .05 compared to a .08?

Isn’t a .05 like half a martini in an hour?

Federal accident investigators recommended today that states cut their threshold for drunken driving by nearly half, matching a standard that has substantially reduced highway deaths in other countries.

The National Transportation Safety Board said states should shrink the standard from the current 0.08 blood alcohol content to 0.05 as part of a series of recommendations aimed at reducing alcohol-related highway deaths.SOURCE: The Express-Times

I guess it would really come down to the fact that if you have more than one-two drinks over the course of a meal in an hour or so, you’re just gonna have to wait awhile until you can drive home.

Also, they pointed to the fact that this has been adopted in many European countries, which has resulted in a drop in DUI related deaths.

However, many European countries have a much better public transportation system than 99% of United State cities.

Sure, a .05 in New York City is no big deal, because you’re taking a taxi or the subway home. But, that’s a different story in an area where you don’t have a public transportation option. Either you’re going to risk getting caught or your “going out” plans are just going to be reserved to places you can walk to.

OR you’re going to become much better friends with that one friend who doesn’t drink.

Occupy People are Back in Easton (Yawn, Zzzzzzzz…..)

The Occupy Lehigh Valley people took time off from being unemployed to return to Easton where they are going to set up tents and yell about stuff for awhile until they realize that it’s uncomfortable and go home like last time.

In all seriousness, though, it’s good to have a little protest here and there. I just can’t take it seriously when a protest says how they will be there forever and then move for Christmas.

So, hopefully something comes out of this.

The Occupy movement is trying to find its legs again as a small group set up camp over the weekend in Downtown Easton.

After three days back living in tents, the group was asked to move from Centre Square and took up residence in the first block of North Fourth Street where protesters camped in late 2011.

“Nature” Dave Gorczynski said the group wanted to reorganize, adding that anyone can protest anything. The goal is to make people aware that all issues can be solved with education and unity, Gorczynski said. 

This time, the occupiers will consist of protesters from not only Easton, but New York, New Jersey and Ohio, he said.SOURCE: The Express-Times

Again, good for them. I just feel like these protests end up being more about the protesters getting mad about where they can and cannot set up camp rather than about some global something or other.

If you REALLY want to protest, why not go to the local soup kitchen and volunteer while also protesting at the same time. You’ll get much more positive press while you’re still protesting and you’ll also be doing something in the community that directly affects those who need help.

Or, instead of camping outside and everything, why not help out the local homeless who are actually not able to go back to somewhere warm when the whole novelty of sitting outside in a tent wears off.

It just seems like a lot of playing semantic bullshit to me.

If you really want to change the world, go change it, don’t just sit somewhere and have your whole protest end up being about the fact that the cops may not want you in a certain area.

And moving on…

Sign Up for the Miss Allentown Freak Out Contest!

The Lehigh Valley’s freakiest festival, The Allentown Freak Out Fringe Festival, returns to Allentown on June 21st and 22nd.

The Freak Out has quickly become one of the most popular fringe/freak/subculture festivals from here to Philly or NYC and features fire dancers, film, art, music, sword swallowers, painting to music and, of course, us.

The Lehigh Valley with Love Miss Freak Out 2013 Contest will be held June 22 and YOU should enter.

Well, you should enter if you’re a lady (or lady gentleman) who is interested in showing off for an anti-pageant pageant.

We’re looking for ladies who don’t hold back, have a fun talent, and don’t mind winning some great prizes from local sponsors. The winner will be selected by a panel of local celebs.

So, Sign up here. If you have any questions, email lehighvalleywithlove@gmail.com

Watch a clip of last year’s Freak Out including a part of the pageant.

Woman Attacks Sister with Knife, Bites Her

I’m not sure if brother vs. brother is worse than sister vs. sister.

Sure, brothers can beat the hell out of each other with fists and such, but, sisters are viscous. Not only will they pull knives on each other, but they will do all sorts of psychological shit to each other just because one of them borrowed a sun dress or something.

No thanks.

A woman attacked her sister with a knife and then bit her in the back, officials said.

Xesenia V. Martinez went after her sister, Milagros Ruiz-Martinez, with a kitchen knife in her sister’s apartment at 1307 East 4th St., Bethlehem, at 4:10 p.m. Thursday, officials said, adding that after Xesenia V. Martinez was disarmed by her sister, she bit her sibling in the back.

Xesenia V. Martinez resisted being placed under arrest, and caused about $500 in damage to a police car, including putting a dent in the left rear door with a kick, officials said. SOURCE: WFMZ.com

She has a Myspace profile, which is about as useless as a Long John Silvers.

I understand crimes of passion and all, but, it just seems like you can get your semi-violent point across without knifing someone.

Lehigh Valley Missed Connections of the Week (SAMMY HAGAR’S IN TOWN?)

Lehigh Valley Missed Connections of the Week brought to you by Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant, Townsend Insurance, Molly’s Irish Grille & Sports Pub and Computer Troubleshooters!

Tonight, The Great Socio returns to Lehigh Valley from their Philadelphia success for a to play The Funhouse. Just get there anytime after 9 p.m. Their deck is open and.. yeah.. The Funhouse has a deck.

Also, ManDudeBro is doing their version of improv comedy shenanigans at Artsquest latenight.

So, do one of those, or both. We’re doing both.

Now, onto your local internet weirdos.

Jess Korpacz’s Feet - m4w - 21 (Allentown)

Just wondering if anyone from the LV knows Jess Korpacz. I think she graduated from Parkland in 2008. She has the sexiest little feet I have ever seen! If anyone knows her or has pictures of her feet please help me out!

Thanks
Jake

This is the best I could do for you, buddy. Also, the feet thing, not sure if any girl has ever really appreciated a guy complimenting her on her feet because 1. girls generally don’t like their feet, even if they ARE cute and 2. it’s fucking creepy.

Neighbors grandson - w4m - 25 (Allentown )

Your my neighbors grandson you always come over to cut the grass lately it’s on a Thursday, we always wave to eachother. Not like you’ll see this but it’s totally worth a shot! Your in your late 20 maybe early 30. You drive a Black Ram. If its you, email me back.

I swear i have seen this movie before. In fact, I saw it on Netflix last week. It was recommended to me because I watched Mean Girls four times in a row. But, cmon, how easy is it to hit on the grandson of your neighbor who is cutting the grass? I’m not sure there is an easier target.

stonewall thursday 4-25 - m4m (allentown)

I came downstairs and was by the coat check with a few women, when you pushed me up against the wall, pulled my shirt up and started licking my nipple. You said something to me prior to pulling up my shirt, tell me what you said and send me your picture.

Did you know guys have nipples because we all start out female, but then some hormones kick in for those who are going to be dudes and they grow a penis, but keep the nips!

Sammy Hagar in Chris’s? - w4m (Allentown)

Swear I saw Sammy Hagar in Chris’s Diner on Tilghman one night last week - cant remember the night, but was he playing in the area? Steelstacks maybe? Anyone?

If Sammy Hagar was playing anywhere near Chris’ Diner I would know about it. Trust me. I know this may not be popular, but I kinda like the Van Hagar version of Van Halen more than Diamond Dave’s stint.

He just had more… heart. I mean, sure, all his songs are about cars, sex or booze, but, shouldn’t all songs be about cars, sex or booze?

Read previous Lehigh Valley Missed Connections.

Man Arrested For Mooning Eighth Grade Girls

What happened to the days when mooning was just the right thing to do out of the bus windows when you went on a field trip.

In fact, the art of mooning has probably gone the way of the Hypercolor T-shirt.

It was a fad of the 80s and one that, I think, should make a quality and triumphant return.

However, with events like this, sadly, that day may never come.

An 18-year-old Saylorsburg man has been charged with open lewdness for flashing his bare buttocks at a group of 8th grade girls touring Pleasant Valley High School in Chestnuthill Township, Monroe County.

Charged was Lawrence Carl Liero.

The incident occured about 9:25 a.m. Monday, according to state police at Fern Ridge. They list two unidentified 13-year-old girls as victims. SOURCE: WFMZ.com

Oh jesus.

Really? This isn’t even one of those, “I get it because it can lead to something.”

The kid freakin’ mooned them. Life goes on. We all need a good mooning once in awhile to remind ourselves that we’re ridiculous animals.

MOST OBVIOUS NEWS OF THE DAY: Scoobies Fire Ruled Arson

So, yesterday we went over how Scoobies Gentleman’s Club is located on “Whore Island.” You probably want to read about that so you can get up to speed.

Now, there was a fire at Scoobies and .. OMG it was an arson. 

The arson has two logical suspects though, not like when the Hawthorne House caught on fire and it was pretty obvious who did it.

The fire early Wednesday morning at Scoobies Gentlemans Club in Allentownwas intentionally set, a city fire official said this morning.

The blaze, which caused about $30,000 in damage to the first floor of the controversial strip club in the 2300 block of Hanover Avenue near the Bethlehem border, began about 3 a.m. and was under control in about 20 minutes. The fire pattern where it started near the bar, the reaction of a K-9 to the scene and eliminating other causes led to the conclusion of arson, Allentown Assistant Chief Lee Laubach said this morning. It’s possible an accelerant was used, he said, not wanting to provide too many details before the investigation gets to the suspect phase. SOURCE: The Express-Times

Wait, they have an arson detecting dog? That’s pretty awesome.

Ok, so, it could have been: 1. The owners of the club. They know that there has been a lot of controversy around the bar and they may have wanted to burn it to the ground to collect on insurance money.

2. The family/friends of the man who was murdered outside the club recently. There has been talk that they may hold the club somewhat responsible.

Fire at Scoobies Gentleman’s Club (ON WHORE ISLAND)

Scoobies Gentleman’s Club in Allentown is on a tract of land that I like to call “Whore Island.” The streets kinda surround it so that it’s on an island to itself without a parking lot or … I guess there may be sidewalks but… whatever…look at the thing.

It’s a concrete and slimy island of stripperdom. Local pirates like to go there to score booty and watch wenches walk the the pole plank! 

Anyway, there was a fire there!

A fire early this morning at Scoobies Gentlemans Club in Allentown was quickly brought under control.

Smoke from the first-floor fire worked its way through the building at 2327 Hanover Ave. in Allentown, Assistant Fire Chief Lee Laubach said just before 6. The first call was about 3 o’clock for the fire that began in the bar area, and it took about 20 minutes to get under control, he said. The club was not occupied when the fire started, he said.

No one was hurt and the cause of the one-alarm fire is under investigation, he said as he left the scene. “We’re looking at everything,” when it comes to a cause, he said.

There is about $30,000 damage to the first floor and the club will not open “for the foreseeable future,” he said.SOURCE: The Express-Times

If you read the article, you’ll find that there have been some complaints there by local residents who feel that Whore Island shouldn’t be an oasis in their town.

Also, someone was recently murdered in the area near Scoobies and the FBI has been brought in to try and find his killer.

I’m sure the idea of the owner burning it down is in the minds of some, but like any good Scooby-Doo episode has taught us, it’s probably NOT WHO WE THINK!

Going by their logic, we can surmise that it was MOST LIKELY the little old lady who lives down the street who was tired of the shenanigans going on in her neighborhood!

“And I could have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and that dog who is obviously high on pot,” she will say when she is finally unmasked!

Sadly, this may mean that I will never be able to strip at Scoobies under the name I had picked out…. Snacks.

Mix CD in Man’s Pants Leads to Sexual Harassment Call

Much like its predecessor, the mix tape, making the perfect mix CD was a work of art.

Sure, you’d make one for a road trip or one for a Friday night party. You’d have one for studying and maybe one you’d put on to go to sleep. But, it was the one you made or at special someone that was the thing of beauty.

You’d have a stack of CDs on your computer desk ad go through each one taking off the ballad that was on them. Ten, after you had all the songs in a playlist you’d sit there for hours making sure you got the order of the tracks just right.

You were a mix CD maestro.

And, of course, you’d pull out the Sharpies of all colors to add the final touch… The Mix CD artwork.

Then you guys broke up a week later so you had to make a sad mix CD. What a vicious cycle.

A 45-year-old man thought a Monroe County gas station attendant had the hots for him, so he reached into his pants and said he had a present for her: a 20-song mixtape CD, state police said.

The gesture creeped out the gas station attendant, who called police on a report of sexual harassment on Wednesday afternoon, state police at Lehighton said.

Police charged Robert S. Perry, of Saylorsburg, with harassment and disorderly conduct and ordered the wannabe Casanova to stay out of the Sunoco on Route 115 in Saylorsburg. SOURCE: The Morning Call

Awww. He just wanted to give her the mix CD he made of songs that, if played backwards, open a gate to hell.

I am probably going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing this wasn’t the first time this guy had some sort of interaction with the lady.

Also, who gives someone a mix CD anymore? That’s just creepy in itself. You have to give that lady in your life a sexy flash drive, yo.