Man Steals Women's Razors and .. a Pear? (Also, Nic Cage Sucks)

So, I hate Nic Cage. Honestly, I think he is the worst actor to ever become famous. He’s just awful. I can’t watch Ghost Rider without once getting up and going to the bathroom to puke. Then I go back in and am compelled to stab my eyeballs with sharpened chop sticks.

I don’t get it. Isn’t America kinda based on how good you are? HE’S AWFUL!!! Channing Tatum could out act this buffoon, yet he continues to show up in movie after movie… what . the. fuck.

Despite all of his faults (NEXT, CON AIR, FACE/OFF, GHOST RIDER, etc. ad nauseam,) he did have ONE good line ever…

“I could eat a peach for hours”

Apparently, so could this guy…

A Bethlehem Township man allegedly had heroin on him after he was stopped for trying to steal women’s razors and a pear Friday afternoon from Ahart’s Market. Michael Wodyka, (Could be his Facebook Page) 22, of Regal Road, was charged with theft and drug possession. Source

So, yeah. I have no idea what you’d want to do with both of those items unless:

1. You are obviously mentally ill.
2. You’re really drunk.
3. You plan on shaving a peach then eating it.
4. You have watched too many Nic Cage movies.

Snow Plow + Car = Not Good

One time in high school me and a few friends were driving up a long and windy two lane road into the back country. It was a nice, sunny day and we were speeding along until we came up behind a car going, oh, I don’t know, probably the speed limit. So, my friends were shouting for me to pass the car on the left (which was legal at this point since there was a yellow dotted line) but I would have done so right before the crest of a hill and couldn’t see THAT far in front of me (even though no cars had come in the opposite direction for a good five miles.)

I pulled to the left and started to go, then settled back behind the car, deciding not to tempt any sort of fate waiting for me…

Just then a school bus full of kids comes over the crest of the hill right when I would have been completing the pass.

Phew…

For me, I mean, I could care less about the kids.

A 24-year-old Asbury man suffered a major injury early Saturday morning in a crash with a PennDOT snow plow on Rout 329 in Allen Township.

Pennsylvania State Police at Bethlehem say Lee D. Pyle was driving east on Nor-Bath Boulevard (Route 329) at 1:40 a.m. when he lost control of his 2000 Prizm on the snow-covered road. The car went down a hill and into the opposite lane, where it hit the plow on the front of a PennDOT truck driven by Walter A. Rabenold, 25, of Easton.

Pyle suffered a major injury and was taken to St. Luke’s Hospital in Fountain Hill, where he was listed in fair condition this morning, according to a nursing supervisor. Police say he showed signs of intoxication, and a blood sample was collected to determine his blood-alcohol content.

Rabenold suffered a minor injury and was treated at Lehigh Valley Hospital-Muhlenberg.

Two passengers in Pyle’s car — Devin L. Engle, 21, and Mitch Brown, 23, both of Bethlehem, escaped injury. Source

These guys surely have Facebook profiles, but seeing that they are the innocent victims here, wouldn’t be fair to post, you can find on your own. Let’s hope everyone turns out OK here…

You know what I’m worried about though??? I wonder where that Bangor Teacher’s Aide has been hiding. She won’t go on a date with me:(

"Mutual Flashing" in Easton!

I  never really understood strip clubs. I mean, I GET IT, I get the point of wanting to see boobs or whatever. But, it never made sense to me. Why are you going there to pay these women to take their clothing off?

Do I go to the Hard Wok Buffet to smell the food and leave? No! I eat it all.

Wow, that was a really horrible analogy.

Anyway, I guess for some people seeing is… believing.. especially when you’re stuck in Easton.

An Easton man who exposed himself to a 15-year-old girl must serve 22 months of probation and complete 30 hours of community service, a Northampton County judge ordered Friday.

Terrel N. Sutton, 21, received the sentence from Judge Leonard Zito after earlier pleading guilty to indecent exposure and corrupting a minor, both misdemeanors.

Sutton, who was charged by Easton police in October 2008, had originally faced more serious allegations of sexual contact with the girl. But he denied that and took a lie detector test that confirmed no touching had occurred, said defense attorney Christopher Shipman.

Assistant District Attorney Patricia Broscius said the girl later retracted those claims. 

Sutton characterized what happened as a ”mutual flashing,” said Zito, who also ordered Sutton to have random drug testing and to get a job within 30 days. Source

Mutual flashing, eh? I guess that’s much better than unwanted flashing… but, whatever. Now, I’m not saying that any of this is OK, it’s totally not. 15 year old girls, no matter how much makeup they wear, are still 15 year old girls and it’s gross. However, nearly a year in jail? Wowsers, Easton does NOT like their child flashers…. good for them though, right?

Wait, That Was Your DOG I Shot? My Bad.

There used to be a beardog (I have no other term to call it) that lived down the street from me when I was younger. It was as large as a baby bear, maybe even a tad larger. The only thing that would distinguish this huge dog from a bear was its shaggier coat and the fact that it didn’t want to eat you.

The owners let the thing wander about, however, due to the animal’s demeanor and no one cared since it was really nice.. however, it was as large as a husky sized 11th grader and I never EVER understood why no one mistakenly shot that thing.

I basically lived in the woods, there were hunters everywhere, it would be an honest mistake and the only people who would have been to blame were the dog’s owners. They knew it looked like a Yogi bear but they let it out anyway. No hunter would be blamed if he shot that freaking thing…

Which brings me to this…

A Lower Saucon Township man has been charged with cruelty to animals for allegedly shooting a dog he thought was a black coyote.

Roya Babanoury, of the 3200 block of New Hill Way, Springfield Township, reported her dog missing Dec. 12 after she heard a gunshot.

David Hough, of the 1600 block of Pleasant View Road, had been hunting and initially denied involvement. After further investigation, he allegedly told Lower Saucon Township police he accidentally shot the dog, thinking it was a coyote.

He was charged last week with cruelty to animals and unsworn falsification, according to a news release issued this morning. Source

I know I don’t have all the details here, but c’mon, do you really think this guy wanted to kill someone’s dog? MAYBE, but I kinda doubt it. Keep that shit fucking tied up lady.

Also, the open mic you may or may not have went to last night at Rock N’ Joe in Bethlehem was a rousing success and it looks as though it’s going to go on bi-weekly!! SCORE!

LVwithLove and the el vee Open Mic TONIGHT!!!

This has nothing to do with local news, but it DOES have something to do with LOCAL AWESOME TIMES!!!

Tonight will be the first, hopefully of many, Open Mics at Rock N’ Joe’s Coffee Lounge and Eats at 1 W. Broad Street in Bethlehem from 7 p.m. - 10:30 p.m. sponsored by yours truly and the el vee (another site you should go to if you don’t.)

Why go tonight? Simply put, it’s a new fun event at a new fun coffee house on the North Side of Bethlehem where Open Mics are scarce.

Open Mic means: Music, poetry, spoken word, art, comedy, tap dancing… who cares?

There are already a few interesting musicians who are signed up to come and holy HELL I think I’m totally going to be playing.

Go to the Invite at Facebook or just show up.

You don’t have to play to come. In fact, just come and get some coffee or check out the review of Rock N’ Joe’s written by TheElvee…

No cover for this event. It’s NO BYOB, but… Joe’s Tavern is across the street if you need a fix. All ages are welcome!

How Local High School Star Athletes College Careers Pan Out...

I know that the sports world loves to focus on where the high school football athletes are headed, but what about everyone else? What about that awesome field hockey player??? Where is SHE going to spend the next four years and never be written about? Well, I’ll let you know, with a prediction of how their career will go.

LIBERTY HIGH SCHOOL:

• Anthony Gonzalez, University of Pittsburgh (football) (Plays pretty OK, but he’s so far away, I mean that’s a five hour drive!, none of the local writers remember to keep track of him.)

NORTHWESTERN HIGH SCHOOL:

• Lindsay Kerr, Wake Forest University (cross country and track) (Does really well and maybe wins a thing or two. Never returns to the Lehigh Valley after discovering the Carolinas have beaches.)

PALISADES HIGH SCHOOL:

• Samantha Dunn, Gettysburg (soccer) (Hits self in forehead once she realizes she went to Gettysburg. Learns a TON about ghosts. And everything else in Gettysburg. Drinks a shitload to try and forget it all. Ends up with a nice degree and moves back to LV.)

• Jamie Koenig, Kutztown (field hockey) (Hopefully does NOT get an STD. Enters undecided and ends up Getting an education degree and teaching at Whitehall High School)

• Danton (Alastair) Ponzol, Lafayette (football) (Gets really pumped up to play Lehigh. Hates Lehigh. Calls you a “Faggot” if you go to Lehigh.)

PARKLAND HIGH SCHOOL:

• Andre Williams, Boston College (football) (Ends up really hating Notre Dame for no reason, again, forgotten about. Who goes up to Boston?)

WHITEHALL HIGH SCHOOL:

• Pat Bet, Penn (baseball) (Gets nicknamed “Pat the Bat”)

• Taray Carey, Temple (football) (Gets nicknamed “Harry Carey”)

• Brooke Hamscher, Penn (track/pole vault) (Guys end up taking tons of pictures of her while pole vaulting, ends up all over the Internet. Uses that fame to start a Website that may or may not be pole related.)

• Elizabeth Millen, Temple (field hockey) (Quickly remembers where Temple is located. Immediately transfers.)

WILSON HIGH SCHOOL:

• Tyler Smith, University of Maryland (football) (Wilson? HOLY SHIT! He got INTO a COLLEGE?) Source

Good luck in your future endeavors kids!

Why Wear Baggy Pants if You're Likely to Get Chased?

Ever watch a movie chase scene and the person being chased is always turning over garbage cans or throwing cardboard boxes in the way in an attempt to stop the pursuer?

Yeah, how much sense does that make? That’s akin to that whole running in front of the car that’s chasing you. Why not, oh, I don’t know, MOVE LATERALLY!?!?!?

If you really think a guy with a gun who has been chasing you at full speed is not going to be able to navigate through a few 1 foot high cardboard boxes, you may want to rethink the whole reason you’re being chased in the first place…

A Wilson Borough man allegedly jumped from a roof Tuesday during an escape attempt from Northampton County sheriff’s deputies trying to serve a warrant, court records say.

According to records:

Deputies knocked about 11:30 a.m. on the front door of a home in the 1500 block of Ferry Street and identified themselves. They saw Adrian Terrell, 29, climb out a second-story window.

Terrell ran across the roof, jumped to the street and ran into oncoming traffic. The deputies gave chase, dodging clothing Terrell was throwing at them.

Terrell fell on the sidewalk and deputies tried to restrain him, but he was thrashing his legs and arms. One of the deputies shocked Terrell with a Taser. Deputies later searched Terrell’s room and found marijuana. Source

Unless that guy’s normal daily attire is chain mail, I doubt the clothing made much of a difference. However, it would be a good idea to discard your pants that are hanging on the ground.

I never understood that. Guys who wear baggy pants that are not even close to around their waist are the probably the first guys that are going to be chased by either police or some other bad guy. Why put yourself at a disadvantage right off the bat? If I was a drug dealer I’d be wearing a track suit all the time….

Wanna arrest me? BOOOM I’m gone like Usain Bolt.

Women Can't Drive Example #9,837

One time my grandma drove me and my buddy the four or so miles from her house to mine on a nice, sunny April day.

I forget exactly what type of car she used to have, but it had that big bench seat in the front and was the size of a beluga whale, but was a tanny shade of brown.

Anyway, we’re heading up on a two lane back road and me, my friend and my grandma are just chatting away, not even noticing that we’re going 15 MILES PER HOUR!!!

Seriously, it was hilarious. We looked out the back window and there was a line 10 deep of of severely pissed off people. My grandma couldn’t have cared less as she continued to talk about how apples were going to be in season soon or something…

It was wondrous.

At least she didn’t turn around on train tracks…

A York County woman told police she was lost and trying to turn her car around on Redington Road in Lower Saucon Township when she ended up on train tracks Tuesday night.

Township police were called for a report of a disabled vehicle on the tracks at 10:17 p.m., but before they got there, the vehicle was hit by a train.

Mary Pat Strouse, no age given, of Etters, Pa., was not injured and told police she thought the tracks were a road when she attempted to turn around, according to a news release issued this morning.

She was cited for careless driving. Source

And she was only cited for careless driving because there is no apparent public idiot law.  Seriously, where is the LAST place you would turn around? Train tracks would have to be up there with Nuclear Reactor Core and Broken Glass Factory.

Ugh…. Happy Wednesday, OH OH OH OH, There is a new Open Mic at Rock N’ Joe’s Coffee in Bethlehem that Lehigh Valley with Love is sponsoring tonight. I might be there if I’m not too busy. You SHOULD TOTALLY GO!!!!!!

Jesus, even Pulse Weekly is going! And Lost isn’t on tonight, so c’mon, be a champ.

Police Set for Biggest Pot Bonfire EVER!!!!

So, two guys are driving this really big truck and in this truck is something like two TONS of pot. TWO FREAKING TONS.

Anyway, they get pulled over, blah blah, biggest pot bust in state history, blah blah blah, yeah we’re happy to get this off the road, blah blah…

Ok, NOW what do you plan to do with it Officer Cheech?

A weekend drug bust that authorities say may have been the biggest marijuana seizure in the state’s history, netted 6,500 pounds of the drug, more than the original estimate, police said today.

Authorities initially reported that they seized between 4,000 and 6,000 pounds of marijuana from a tractor-trailer that was pulled over on Interstate 81 near the Lebanon County border Sunday after the driver failed to pull over at a weigh station.

“We have not actually confirmed it, but there is a strong possibility that it is the largest seizure of marijuana in Pennsylvania,” Tpr. Tom Pinkerton of Troop H in Harrisburg said.

Pinkerton said the packaged marijuana was kept in large crates that he estimated to be 4 feet by 4 feet by 7 feet in size. He said the truckers also were hauling boxes holding plastic foam cups. The street value of the drugs has been estimated at between $10 million and $25 million.

The two men traveling in the truck, which police believe originated out of the western part of the country, were identified as 35-year-old Eric Emmanuel of Pembroke Pines, Fla. and 34-year-old Stanley Narcisse of Wintergarden, Fla. Bail was set at $1 million for both men, who are being held at Lebanon County Prison and are facing felony drug trafficking charges.

He said the drugs are being stored in a secure location and that they’d be destroyed once the investigation and subsequent court case are concluded. Source

By “secure” location, Pinkerton is referring to his garage and by “destroyed” I’m pretty sure that they mean “this office is closed Saturday.”

But, really, they have to destroy it at some point, right? Even if it’s used as evidence at some point these guys will go to jail and the cops will have TWO TONS of pot to burn…

Let’s say they find some really remote place and burn TWO TONS of the shit, I don’t care if you’re THREE miles downwind you’re going to be freaking high out of your mind and all you have to do is open the windows and watch some television.

Pot in Lebanon County will be flowing DIRECTLY through your open window.

My guess would be they probably plan to destroy it in segments, but whatever, a two ton bonfire seems like TONS of more fun…

I'm Sorry I Robbed You. Please Arrest Me. Love, Idiot.

I’m no criminal. Even if I was one, I’m not saying I’d be a good one. However, if I was to, say, steal someone’s checkbook and then cash a phony check I’m PRETTY sure the LAST thing I would do is notify that person of my crime because I harbored some sort of remorse.

A Phillipsburg man faces charges after he allegedly stole a checkbook from a city home Thursday night and then left a letter apologizing for the crime in the home’s mail slot, court records say.

According to court records:

Henry Rodriguez, 29, climbed through Nancy Marshall’s window in the first block of North Delaware Drive and stole a checkbook. Rodriguez allegedly forged a check for $2,500 and cashed it.

Marshall was able to identify who broke into her house because Rodriguez left a letter in her mailbox apologizing for the crime. He allegedly stole the checks because he needed the money.

Police contacted Rodriguez and he was arrested Friday. He was charged with burglary, forgery and theft, and was sent to Northampton County Prison in lieu of $10,000 bail. Source

I think that my note would go more like this:

Dear Nancy Marshall,

Hi. I totally stole your  checkbook after I climbed through your window. It’s fucking February! Who leaves their window open? I mean, it wasn’t that hard to get past your complicated security system comprised of an open window that basically said “Please rob me, I have either 100% faith in the niceness of people or I’m suffering from early onset of dementia.”

Either way, I’m totally going to cash you checks after I badly forge your signature. That should also probably cause you to question what bank you bank at if a Hispanic male can easily take in one of your checks with a poorly copied rendition of your signature and walk away with $2,500

I’m not sayin’ I’m jussaying.

Love,

Henry Rodriguez

P.S. I took a soda too. My bad.

Illegal Immigrants in the Lehigh Valley? Say it ain't so...

Are there still people who ride up to the Home Depot and pick up the Mexican guys, pay them to do some landscaping, then drop them back off later that night?

I think I witnessed this once. I mean, fuck, it’s the American way. And while no one wants the problems that come along with illegal immigrants, namely the fact that they are harder to trace to crimes and such since they have no history here (oh and the whole taking your dad’s job thing) if you were in their situation I’d you bet you a Toaster Strudel that you’d do the same thing they would do.

Everything is relative.

Except relativity.

Right?

Twelve alleged illegal immigrants were detained in Lehigh County Prison after a three-vehicle crash Friday evening on Route 22 in South Whitehall Township.

Pennsylvania State Police at Bethlehem say Edward D. Hersch, 46, of Coplay, was driving east about 5 p.m. in an area of heavy traffic. He was unable to stop his vehicle before crashing into a van driven by Jose R. Crespo-Gradio, 25. John P. O’Donnell, 51, of Easton, then rear-ended Hersch’s vehicle.

Police say Crespo-Gradio and 11 of his passengers were in the country illegally from Mexico. Police called Immigration and Customs Enforcement to detain the men. Source

They listed the names of the immigrants…. however, since the servers for LibroDeLaCara.com are down I couldn’t find any of their profiles.

Ahh, such is life.

Oh, I also recently decided I’m not drinking for a month in an effort to see what the world is really like on Thursday through Sunday. Please wish me well in this effort.

Punxsutawney Phil is the Closest Thing to Jesus We Have

Punxsutawney Phill saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of WINTER!!!!

Ok, that’s the last time I’m spelling the name of that town, it’s too early. I know some people are all blah blah about this whole holiday. I mean, PETA wants a robotic groundhog. For the LOVE OF RAY J, PETA!!! Don’t you have anything else better to do? I bet this fucking groundhog has better apartments than most of your members…

Anyway, I had a point I was trying to make it was that even though everyone KNOWS that this is just a stupid little fun holiday and a GREAT public relations and marketing move basically built into a city that would otherwise look like a cookie crumb on the Pennsylvania road map, tell me that you didn’t get a twinge of depression after learning this rodent’s verdict.

TELL ME you didn’t feel a BIT upset about the fact that a FUCKING rodent saw its shadow and because of some stupid tradition made up by some stupid man a bazillion years ago, we’re going to have six more weeks of winter.

Of course, it’s completely absurd, but then again people love this guy too, so what can you do?

You know, Punxsutawney Phil (fine I broke down) is probably the closest thing to Jesus we have… either that or Nostradamus.

He is all knowning. He is gracious. He is furry. He has books written about him. He doesn’t wear a ton of clothing. He is heralded by thousands. He is the son of god. These are all interchangeable descriptions about both of these good natured guys.

Pennsylvania’s most-famous groundhog once again saw his shadow this morning, predicting another six long weeks of winter.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of Punxsutawney Phil and his doom and gloom predictions. Never mind the fact that, according to the calendar, spring starts March 21 — six weeks from now — whether it’s sunny or shady on Gobbler’s Knob.

The Groundhog Club says Phil has offered this same prediction almost 100 times since 1887, but there are no records for nine years. The punk rodent owes it to his faithful fans to shake up the forecast a bit. 

After all, Phil has a lot of followers. Hundreds gathered in the cold this morning to await his message, and there was so much traffic to his Web site this morning, that it has been impossible to even check up on the Western Pennsylvania celebration for the past few hours. Source

Jesus Groundhog owes nothing to NOBODY!

I sincerely hope he has a concubine of other female groundhogs and performs daily miracles while walking around thinking up clever fables.

You think I’m being silly, but I’m not.

And, so what if Punxsutawney Phil said six more weeks of winter nine years in a row, it doesn’t change my plans of using Seasonal Affective Disorder as an excuse to be an asshole to everyone I meet for the next six weeks. Peace out!

Woman Drives Into Easton Square One Market (Literally)

Ugh. Monday.

So, I didn’t win a car at the Sands Casino this weekend and that really pissed me off. I have to say that I have never, ever, ever seen it that packed, not that I go often, but it took nearly 15 minutes to get from halfway across the Mini Trail Bridge to a parked location.

Speaking of parking, some lady in Easton needs a few tips, or less crack.

A woman drove her Nissan Sentra into an convenience store about 9:30 this morning on South Third Street in Easton.

The woman crashed through a front window of the Square One Market,knocking over a display stand. A witness, who declined to give her name, said she was inside at the time of the crash and no one was injured. The witness said the woman walked away from the crash and said a baby who was in a car seat appeared to be uninjured.

Police closed the store while they investigated and cleaned up from the wreck. Firefighters were poking out glass shards still hanging from the window pane. Source

Ahh,  yes, when driving with my baby in the car I find it difficult to have to get OUT of the car to buy shit. I would instead just like the option of driving directly into the store and only have to reach out of my car to acquire the items I need and then maybe pay for them.

Oh, btw, there is a super awesome open mic you need to come to on Wednesday. If you haven’t already, then check it out and RSVP and then go and either play your kazoo or  just watch local artists play their kazoos.

The Most Famous People Who Live in the Lehigh Valley

So, the Lehigh Valley is a nice place. If you don’t live in the middle of Easton or Allentown, it’s a good place to raise a family and send them to school. It’s a nice place to go to college. You can even make some money here depending on what you do.

There isn’t much of an entertaining nightlife unless you REALLY enjoy just getting wasted or going to strip clubs that are stocked with heroin addicts.

HOWEVER, regardless of any pitfalls, the Lehigh Valley still is home to some famous people.. and by home I mean, they live here currently and not in L.A. or NYC or Tulsa.

See, Johnathan Taylor Thomas (or JAY T T as I call him) over there was BORN here, but he doesn’t live here anymore.

Fame Factor will be counted in hearts with four hearts meaning that they are super duper famous in the Lehigh Valley and everywhere else and one meaning that they are only famous in the Lehigh Valley.

So, I guess this is in no particular order let’s start with….

Tom Ring

Relatively new on the “I know THAT GUY” fame, Ring does something at Brown Daub Kia. What he’s famous for, however, is being a general oddball who pops up on your radio station every FIFTEEN seconds saying “Everybody Drives.”

This guy is just freakin’ EVERYWHERE. He has absolutely no shame (good thing.) And, to be honest, I think he’s great. Heprobably sells a boatload of cars and gets to act like a moron while doing it.

He also gets to go to work and be like “So, I was thinking of a new ad campaign. If you can’t get a car here I’m going to tell people I’ll kiss their mother-in-law!!! Get it?!?!? NO ONE LIKES THEIR MOTHER-IN-LAW HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!

He also gets to scream and yell a ton.

Fame Factor: 1 Heart. Yeah, he’s everywhere, but it’s only in the valley.

Ed Hanna

WFMZ Channel 69’s (really? 69? ugh) perennial happy dude who makes you actually enjoy watching the weather. I don’t know if it’s because he resembles a really large teddy bear or that he just doesn’t seem to have a malicious bone in his body, but he just seems like someone you’d want to be around.

He’s probably a mean drunk, though… I’m just guessing. No one can be THAT happy and perky all the time and not have some sort of inner demon.

Hope your arm heals up, Ed!

Fame Factor: 1  I’m sure that he’s known in the meteorology “circles” outside of the area, but if he stepped foot in Lancaster no one would look at him twice. However, if I saw him at Wegman’s I’d totally flip out!

John Callahan

Bethlehem’s Mayor and congressional hopeful (against Charlie Dent who, arguably is more “famous” than Callahan, but he’s a bit more boring so i didn’t list him), Callahan has brought Bethlehem back! Well, his predecessor Don Cunningham did his share too, but Callahan had his hands in the Casino and tons of money coming into the city, which is good for property owners.

His boyish good looks and frequent rumors about his womanizing make him an awesome mayor because you can either love this guy or love to hate him because he made out with your girlfriend in the bathroom at the Apollo Grille.

He’s also well-known as Johnny Casino!

I like Johnny Casino much more than boring John Callahan, don’t you?

I’m not saying, I’m jussayin.

Fame Factor: 2 Hearts.  Definitely known outside of the area, but more in the political realm. Not many people in Gettysburg, Pa. even know where Bethlehem, Pa. is, but man, he’s just sooooooo gooood looooking.

I love seeing him out and about, too. Makes me feel like I’m helping out my city or something.. I dunno.

Chuck Bednarik

Old crotchety Bednarik lives in Coopersburg and kinda hates the Philadelphia Eagles even though he’s the most famous Eagle if (you’re over the age of 65) that ever lived.

I’m sure that Chuck spends his time just basically being a dick. I mean, I would. He’s from that generation. You’re SUPPOSED to drink a lot of whiskey and watch as your wife makes you ham sandwhiches and hit your kids. I’m not saying he does any of these things, but  he should. Also, I bet he was a kick ass / awful dad. Like, you know he had to be hard on his kids being that he was basically a gladiator and played with broken bones and shit all the time…. but then he probably would beat the hell out of your for anything “pussy like” you did like not beat up everyone in school or something…

Fame Factor: 3 Hearts.  Unless you know football, you don’t know Bednarik. But, if you do know football, then you know Bednarik. You do the math.

Mario / Michael / The Young one Andretti

O heeerrre we go. Now we’re talking about the big boys. I’ve already written about the day that Mario Andretti tried to kill me, so I won’t go over it, but yeah, I kinda hold a grudge against this dude. He seems so fucking smug. So what, you can drive a fucking car! CAN YOU RIDE A POGO STICK? Didn’t think so Mario, didn’t think so. Go save the princess…

Anyway, the Andrettis, including the young dude who currently drives who I couldn’t care less about until he wins The Indy 500, are world known and MAYBE deserving of being the most famous people currently living in the Valley (albeit probably not full time.)

What a life this guy has. Think about it. He gets to drive fast cars, wins shit, gets tons of money, probably gets a banging hot girl, has some kids, retires and now gets to ride around on four wheelers all day.

What would he have done if Ford didn’t create the T-Model? Hmmmm???? Then what Mario? WHAT WOULD YOU BE NOW?

Fame Factor:4 Hearts. I would say they probably peaked in the 1980s with EVERYONE knowing the name “Andretti,” but I would hasten to say that their fame has waned in recent years, most people probably still know the name, but I wonder if they could put it to a face?

Larry Holmes

Ohhhhh Larry Holmes. Now this guy. This guy? He’s just the guy. Fights for the World Heavyweight Championship of the world and trains in EASTON, PA!!! Stays in Easton, Pa after making bazillions of dollars!!! He fought Muhammad Ali, no, he BEAT MUHAMMAD ALI, and he decided to STAY IN EASTON, PA.

That’s like Derek Jeter living in Fort Indiantown Gap and traveling to NYC just to play games. I mean…

Easton? You have to get skill points just for living there. Holmes was immediately better than every opponent just because his body was so used to drinking Easton water and breathing Easton air. As soon as he was somewhere non-toxic, like Africa, he would be like Superman under Earth’s bright yellow sun!!!!

Holmes has a nice house in Palmer, I think that’s where it is, I’ve seen it. It’s like a compound. But, to his credit, he’s given tons of money to the city and has donated to youths and blah blah blah. I just want him to have a George Foreman Grill or something.

The Larry Holmes Easton, Pa Bullet-Proof Vest.

Fame Factor:4 Hearts.  I don’t care if 14 year old girls don’t know who Larry Holmes is. If you can still wear purple suits in public and no one 1. makes fun of you or 2. tells you that maybe you shouldn’t do that, then you are awesome in my book.

Anyone I missed? Feel free to comment. Remember, they have to LIVE here NOW.

***UPDATE Darryl Dawkins!!!

So, this was up for like 10 seconds before I started getting ripped for not putting Darryl Dawkins on the list. Well, I just wasn’t sure if he still lived here or if he moved or whatever.

Apparently, “Chocolate Thunder” is now the coach of the esteemed LCCC Basketball Team, which is probably the best coaching job a former NBA star could ever hope to want.

Besides that, this is a giant man and I met him once, actually. No, that is not me in the picture, it’s my buddy who went there to take photos and Dawkins almost mistook him for an M&M and ate him…

Anyway, I was covering an event at an elementary school where he came in and played the entire school of kids in a game of basketball. Was pretty glorious!

DARRYL! If you read this, totally e-mail me cause I WOULD LOVE to go out on the town with you one night. PLEASE? I’ll donate money to charity!

Woman Drives Car into Bath... Water.. he he he

Happy Friday!

What’s going on this weekend? Let’s see here… do da dooo… There is the SOUPER BOWL at the Banana Rama Factory in South Bethlehem.

One of my buddies (the dude who runs www.theelvee.com) is totally a judge and I hope that he has tons of gastrointestinal problems Saturday night…

Anyhoo, on to some more fun stuff, namely, stupid girls driving their cars into rivers in ironically named towns….

A Lehigh Township woman who crashed her vehicle into a creek in Bath on Monday was charged with drug offenses.

Colonial Regional police were called to the wreck at 7:30 a.m. Monday in the 300 block of Monocacy Drive. When they arrived, they found Kayla L. Frederick’s (FACEBOOK PROFILE) vehicle on its roof in a nearby creek.

Frederick, 20, of the 1100 block of Blue Mountain Drive, and an unnamed female passenger, had escaped without injury. 

When police pulled the vehicle from the creek, they allegedly found drug paraphernalia inside. Frederick was charged with possession of a small amount of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia. Source

I hope when I get in a big car wreck or arrested for kicking the hell out of a priest they refer to me not by where I currently reside, but rather, my current state of affairs.

For example, it would be like “A totally awesomely chill dude recently beat up a priest” or “A strangely catatonic young handsome man totally saved the day” or “A guy that looks as though he doesn’t know what time it is just made out with some random chick.”

I don’t want to be known as a “Bethlehem man.” Fuck, that’s so … pejorative.

Anyway, kudos to you Kayla Frederick. With a name like that you shouldn’t have much problem starting a well paying stripping career in the near future.